11 Times People Think They’re Setting Boundaries But Are Actually Just Being Rude
There's a huge difference between setting a boundary and just being plain rude.
FGC / Shutterstock There's no denying that setting boundaries is important. Licensed psychologist Jordan Fiorillo Scotti, Ph.D., explained that setting boundaries better helps people to interact safely in regard to their emotional and physical needs. And though setting these boundaries is vital for each and every relationship, sometimes, when people think they're setting boundaries they're actually just being rude.
From walking away from people mid-conversation to ignoring calls or text messages in order to maintain their peace, these actions can impact those around you, hurting your relationships. That being said, there is a way to turn the ship around and make things right.
11 times people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude
1. Walking away mid-conversation
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One of the times people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude is when they walk away mid-conversation. Most people who are taught to set boundaries are taught the whole 'protect my inner peace' sentiment. And on the surface, protecting one's peace regardless of the consequences sounds appealing. However, people can protect their peace while respecting the people around them.
Flipping the script, nobody likes the idea of being ignored mid-conversation. Not only is this unkind and dismissing, but it is also another way to reject a person without saying a word. Now, with creepy strangers, this type of behavior is absolutely valid. But doing this to friends or family members is a lot more hurtful than people realize.
According to The American Psychological Association, experiencing social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness. So, while protecting peace is important, people should afford their families the right to an explanation. Simply saying, "Hey, this conversation is really making me uncomfortable, and I'd prefer to either end it or walk away from it," is much kinder, more mature, and more direct than avoiding their loved one completely.
2. Ignoring someone's calls or messages without explanation
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Learning to set boundaries often requires people to hyper-analyze who's in their inner circle and, most importantly, whether they should remain there or not. During these tough moments, people might distance themselves from others to protect their peace or to figure out where the relationship ought to stand. Yet, a time people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude is if they ignore someone's calls or messages without explanation.
Sure, they might be distancing themselves and focusing on their mental health. However, just because someone is focused on setting boundaries and improving themselves doesn't mean they should cut that person off with zero explanation. After all, toxic or not, people deserve to know where they stand in someone's life. And if there's no explanation as to what's going on, misunderstandings can take place, making the situation worse.
According to a study published in 2022, feeling misunderstood predicts higher perceived stress, lower life satisfaction, and motivation, and less healthy cortisol slopes. So, before you ignore someone's messages or block them, be sure to let them know ahead of time. Not only will this help make the transition easier, but it'll also be a great way for both people to receive the closure they deserve.
3. Shutting someone down without providing an alternative
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It's completely awkward when someone says no without a follow-up. Not knowing where to go from there, both parties are left visibility uncomfortable and even distressed. However, this isn't all that shocking if someone is setting boundaries. If they read up on boundaries or listened to therapists online, they might've been taught that they can say no without needing to explain themselves or offer an alternative solution. However, doing so is just another way people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude.
In a situation where something feels uncomfortable, it's okay to express that to someone. Simply saying, "Hey, I really don't want to go out next week because that Friday is my self-care day, but we can FaceTime Saturday" is a perfectly reasonable response.
Believe it or not, most people are a lot more understanding than others give them credit for. According to a study in 2024, people overestimate how much they'll be judged, for instance, when revealing secrets. That being said, this isn't always easy. Considering that most people struggle to communicate, on the surface, it feels easier to simply reject someone head-on.
But be careful with that rejection, as simply saying no with zero context can make someone feel confused or disrespected, leading to friction in the relationship.
4. Staying silent during tense conversations
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There's this popular idea going around that to best someone, the best thing someone can do is simply stay silent. This means that during confrontations or when someone disrespects someone, people who set boundaries are often taught to let their silence speak for themselves.
For example, imagine someone is in the middle of a conversation when their friend, coworker, or family member crosses their boundary by saying something triggering. During moments like this, people might feel tempted to shut down, effectively allowing their silence to speak for themselves. Yet, it's important to not let silence fester for too long. In the middle of a conversation, staying silent is something to do when they think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude.
Let's face it: silence during a tense conversation is uncomfortable. According to licensed psychologist Michele Leno, Ph.D., silence can be uncomfortable as it triggers anxiety and overthinking. So, while staying silent might be tempting, it's better to speak up and express comfort instead. Pulling someone aside and saying, "Hey, that comment crossed a boundary," is the most effective way for people to fix their wrongs and to ensure it's less likely to happen again in the future.
5. Being overly honest
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They say that honesty is the best policy, and in certain instances, they'd be right. Whether it's a broken plate or a mistake they made at work, being honest and upfront is the best way to approach most situations. This sentiment is especially true when it comes to setting boundaries and telling people what someone is and isn't comfortable with.
But a time people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude is when they choose to be a bit too honest. For instance, harshly pointing out someone's flaws or, worse, refusing to consider the time and place can quickly make someone feel defensive and a little embarrassed. So, to avoid this, what should people do?
According to Professor Jason Whiting Ph.D., while being honest is great, there's a huge difference between honesty and rudeness. Whiting continued, "Being honest in relationships does not mean spouting off the first thing that comes into your head, especially when you are tense." While someone might think they're being brutally honest, the truth of the matter is that they're being more brutal than anything.
With that being said, just be kind and considerate. Be honest while also considering their feelings. Not only will this better smooth difficult conversations over, but it'll make someone feel respected in the process, leading to more closeness in the relationship.
6. Giving someone an ultimatum
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Another time people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude is when they give someone an ultimatum. There's a reason why giving someone an ultimatum is so damaging. For starters, telling someone, "You're either going to do this or that," takes away the ability for them to make their own decisions, leading to more conflict and resentment in an already unstable relationship.
Not only that, but according to Blank, giving ultimatums can completely ruin the relationship. Licensed marriage and family therapist Andrea Dindinger, LMFT, explained it perfectly, writing that people tend to make ultimatums when they feel powerless to change the other person.
So, what should people do instead? As hard as it may be, allow others to choose for themselves. At the end of the day, people can't control everything. As hard as it may be, someone actively doing their best to control others will only lead to disaster in the end.
According to Noelle McWard LCSW, "Control, or rather, seeking to have control, is a form of anxiety." It's rooted in the belief that things aren't going to be okay. And the more people try to control, the worse their anxiety becomes. This is why people should allow others to decide for themselves what they want to do when the other person sets their boundaries.
7. Insisting that others change their behavior
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If there's one thing people get wrong about boundaries, it's the idea that boundaries somehow fall onto the other person. However, according to Blank, this couldn't be further from the case. Like it or not, your boundaries are something you enforce, not the other person.
This means that if someone isn't listening or isn't respecting your boundary, it's up to the other person to reinforce that boundary by telling them that they must pull away from the person or situation for their own mental well-being. Now, is doing this always easy? No, however, knowing what to do during these situations better helps people to avoid making these situations more awkward and frustrating than it has to be.
Clinical psychologist Rubin Khoddam, Ph.D., suggested, "When setting boundaries, it is important to stand your ground and be consistent with your original decision." Don't try to backtrack that boundary, but instead, reaffirm that boundary by repeating it. She ended, "The firmer you are with your boundaries, the more likely your boundaries will be respected."
While in practice, doing this might be terrifying for the average person. However, with dedication, courage, and hard work, people can slowly begin to change their mindset as they grow comfortable and confident in their own boundary-setting.
8. Being dismissive of other people's feelings
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When therapists talk about setting boundaries, there are tons of good advice they give. From learning what boundaries are to learning how to create and set them, people often walk away from the conversation feeling confident and sure of themselves. That being said, a time people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude is when they dismiss other people's feelings when they're enforcing boundaries.
Now, don't get it wrong: boundaries are meant to be set and respected by those around them. Even so, accepting these boundaries isn't always easy, depending on what the boundary is. For instance, if someone says that they no longer feel comfortable with their good friend hugging them, it might feel hurtful to their friend as they slowly begin to feel unloved or unsure of their importance in the relationship. They might even feel guilty as they wonder what they did to make this boundary happen in the first place.
This is why it's important to show consideration and respect while setting these often tough boundaries. Reassuring them, being careful with their words, and better explaining why they're setting these boundaries can help ease their worries as they slowly understand why those boundaries are important while simultaneously feeling convinced that their relationship with someone else isn't in jeopardy as the result of some unknown grievance they committed in their head.
9. Abruptly changing a boundary you previously established
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It can be difficult to create a boundary when people are still learning about themselves and their comfort levels. This is why it's worth it when boundaries come to fruition. After spending long hours in therapy and even longer discussing their boundaries with loved ones, there's nothing more satisfying than feeling the after-effects of healthy and well-established boundaries being set in place.
Even so, people might become a little too boundary-happy, and because of that, abruptly changing a boundary without consulting others is just another way people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude. Everyone needs to understand that setting boundaries isn't easy.
It can be an adjustment that takes time to get used to for both parties. This is why it's important to set boundaries slowly or adjust them, as quickly expecting people to adjust might cause them to feel anxious instead. In turn, this can quickly cause an otherwise healthy relationship to grow sour as the other person might feel like someone is demanding too much, with very little time or understanding on their part.
10. Acting frustrated when someone doesn't respect a boundary immediately
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People can't just snap their fingers and expect others to instantly know what they want or how they want them to do something. Let's face it: nobody is a mind reader and to expect someone to instantly adjust to a boundary simply because someone else said it, is a bit unrealistic.
Like it or not, it takes a lot of time and behavioral changes for people to accept, let alone change their actions to respect someone else's boundaries. For instance, if someone is so used to hugging another person, it is already ingrained in their habit to reach out for a hug. This is why acting frustrated because someone isn't respecting boundaries is a bit unfair.
Behavioral adjustments can take months to years to fully change, depending on how big the boundary change is. So, while it might be tempting to snap at others for not respecting those boundaries, having a bit of patience and working with them by reminding them of that boundary will be much more helpful than screaming or freaking out on someone simply because their natural habit took over.
11. Refusing to show up without offering an explanation
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Finally, a time people think they're setting boundaries but are actually just being rude is refusing to show up without explaining. Understandably, family is complicated, and as a result, they don't always want to go to that baby shower because the toxic cousin they despise is going to be there. Even so, informing someone of their absence, instead of simply deciding not to show up with zero explanation is the more respectable thing someone can do.
After all, not showing up to an important family event such as a wedding or, worse, a funeral is already slightly rude. But not even bothering to inform the other person is arguably even more rude and can definitely damage their reputation with others if they're not careful.
Whether people want to admit it or not, keeping themselves in people's good graces can be beneficial when someone is in a pickle. Not only that but refusing to consider their reputation and allowing it to get tarnished makes it increasingly more difficult to bounce back from. One study published in Social Cognition found that it took weeks more for people's perception of someone to improve after a bad first meeting. So, while not caring is easier, it might be better in the long run to show a bit of kindness and consideration. Who knows, that consideration might come in handy later on.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
