5 Ways To Set A Much-Needed Boundary — Without Saying A Single Word
You're the only one who can stick up for you.
Azim Islam, Ron Lach | Canva You cannot be a happy, healthy, successful person without boundaries. Healthy boundaries give us healthy relationships, healthy self-esteem, and healthy well-being.
How important is it to set healthy boundaries? Research has shown that in families with healthy, flexible boundaries, each person can develop into a distinct person with unique interests and skills.
Having strong boundaries does not make you mean or bad or any other label that people will put on you if they resent your boundaries. Having strong boundaries makes you attractive to healthy people who like knowing where you stand. Having strong boundaries will weed out unhealthy people.
Here are 5 ways to set a much-needed boundary — without saying a single word:
1. Boundaries are not about being nasty, mean or rude
Boundaries simply recognize that you end in one place and I end somewhere else. All good boundaries do that. You can't worry that people will think you are being mean or "not nice."
It’s not a matter of not being a nice person anymore. It’s just a matter of getting “tough enough” so that people aren’t walking on you, so that you’re not suppressing your true feelings and so that you’re not “playing nice” just for a chance to play.
If anyone deserves boundaries, it’s the nice people of the world.
2. Boundary setting happens calmly, using "I" statements
Not by becoming moody or so irritated you start to snap people's heads off. If you have a friend who is always late when you have plans to go somewhere, you may find yourself blowing up at her in frustration.
Instead, you can say, "I would appreciate it if you were here on time. Otherwise, I'll have to go ahead without you." She may push back, but prepare to do exactly that the next time she is late. The behavior will stop.
3. Learn to recognize manipulation and subtle "put down" messages
They're designed to get you to do something you may not want to do. Think about a statement such as, "I would do that for you." It's full of manipulation and subtle messages of "you're not AS GOOD as me" and it's a passive-aggressive way to GET the speaker his or her way.
It's not about what is good for YOU or what YOU would do, it's about what he or she wants YOU to do and the guilt-inducing manipulation is intense. There are FOUR MILLION variations of this but one answer: Good for you. That's YOU, that's not ME. Thank you for playing.
4. You cannot pick and choose who to have boundaries with
You have to have them with everyone even if some are harder than others.
You have to have boundaries with parents, children, friends, lovers, work acquaintances, storekeepers, customer service representatives, bank tellers, the reservation clerks, the cat sitters, the dog groomers.
Pexels / Mikhail Nilov
It is about taking care of yourself and letting people know they can’t invade the spaces you have defined as yours.
5. Listen to your inner voice as to when it is time to set a boundary
When people are borrowing your things and either not returning them or not taking care of them, it’s time to set a boundary. When you feel as if your (parents, children, spouse, pets, coworkers) do not listen to you, it’s time to set a boundary.
When you feel angry and put upon, it’s time to set a boundary. When you feel sad and think that everyone is taking advantage of you, it’s time to set a boundary.
Boundaries are tough in the beginning, but they make everything so much better down the road. Set those boundaries today! Life will work so much better when you do!
Susan J. Elliott is a media commentator, lawyer, and author of the book, Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.