11 Behaviors People Think Are Self-Aware, But Are Really Just Rude
Don't let these misguided attempts at healthy emotional intelligence fool you.
Zmaster | Shutterstock Truly self-aware people tend to do two things incredibly well, according to clinical psychologist Melanie A. McNally: they acknowledge their emotions, feelings, and behaviors, while also regulating and coping with negative, uncomfortable, and unhealthy ones. Without the ability to self-regulate, overly self-aware people can fall into a spiral of anxiety and shame, but many of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude, don't fall into either of those categories.
Whether it's adopting misguided "therapy speak," a radicalized version of self-righteousness, or even narcissistic tendencies that lack empathy, some people who proclaim to be self-aware may use the label as a scapegoat for their ignorant or selfish behaviors. By recognizing when someone is pretending to be emotionally intelligent or using their own self-awareness as an excuse for misbehavior, you can protect yourself from falling into their trap of guilt, resentment, and insecurity.
Here are 11 behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude
1. Being 'brutally honest' in relationships
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People who misguidedly argue that they're self-aware, but are truly just battling a superiority complex or self-righteousness, often make excuses for their hurtful behaviors and rudeness by suggesting it's simply "brutal honesty."
Rather than taking accountability for their actions and language when they're hurtful, invalidating, or dismissive, they prefer to divert that guilt and shame onto others, hurting others in the face of "honesty" that's truly just masked insecurity.
Professor and author Louay M. Safi argues that truly healthy and self-aware people always make an effort to support someone who's struggling, whether they're in an argument, conversing with someone who's hurt them, or grappling with a stressful situation.
Arrogance and self-righteousness are a clear sign of lacking empathy, but they're also one of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude.
2. Trying to point out other people's shortcomings
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According to Dr. Brené Brown, in a podcast episode with Tim Ferris, the reason there's so much divide, polarization, and unhappiness in the world today is because people largely lack self-awareness. Research conducted by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich, PhD solidifies Brown's theory, arguing that while 90% of people believe they're self-aware, only 10% of people truly are.
One of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude, that feeds into this disproportionate adoption of the "self-aware" label is trying to point out other people's shortcomings and misbehaviors.
You can't initiate self-reflection in someone else. While it's natural to want to speak your mind and share wisdom you might have learned yourself, responding to someone's behavior — even if it's something like overstepping a boundary — by pointing out all the ways they're falling short isn't healthy for anyone.
3. Shaming someone who crosses a boundary
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According to psychology coach Jo Nash, PhD, while it's true that self-aware people are more willing and able to set healthy boundaries in their relationships — recognizing when a certain type of behavior or language causes them distress or discomfort — a truly aware person is intentional about how they discuss this in a relationship and, more importantly, where they discuss it.
A person who's not truly self-aware, but simply rude, often views condemning other people's behavior in the face of an overstepped boundary as a kind of punishment, rather than a healthy, collaborative, and vulnerable conversation.
Rather than set expectations together in a relationship or express their own emotions in the face of a disrespected boundary, they look for opportunities to shame others, even in a public space.
Unsurprisingly, people who have a misguided view of self-awareness are often stuck in a cycle of shame themselves — hyper-focusing on their own toxic behaviors or shortcomings without change — urging them to pass off similar discomfort onto other people.
4. Acting overly self-righteous
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While it's possible to be both self-aware and occasionally self-righteous, believing your outlook on life and values are powerful and helpful for others, it's a fine line to walk.
Especially considering self-righteous people tend to demonize other opinions and experiences, preach without listening, and judge people without acknowledging their own shortcomings, it's not surprising that these are behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude.
While it's true that being more self-aware is often synonymous with being more self-confident, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, people who are egotistical and self-righteous aren't displaying the kind of confidence that boosts emotional intelligence, genuine connection, or trust — they're looking for a platform to preach.
5. Trying to over-explain when they hurt someone
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Intent is different from impact, according to personal growth coach Mark Nichols. When you hurt someone, especially if it was unintended, it's important to make space for their emotions, especially if you're hoping to continue a relationship with this person and nurture a healthier dynamic in the future.
By trying to over-explain why you did something that ended up being hurtful, you're not only dismissing and invalidating their experience by trying to justify your actions, you're making them feel guilty for expressing their discomfort or frustration.
"We have to be able to take a step back and separate our emotional connection from somebody and their feedback," Nichols added. "Just because you have done an action that they perceived as malicious... does not mean that you are a bad person."
When you know you've hurt someone that you care about, it's important to be receptive and supportive to what they're saying to you. Knowing why you did something in the moment and trying to over-explain that to someone looking for support is one of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude.
Self-aware people take accountability, look for growth opportunities, and support without reservation.
6. Giving unsolicited advice
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One of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude, is giving out consistently unsolicited and unwarranted advice. Trying to offer their perceived wisdom, experience, and advice, even when they're not asked to, a misguidedly self-proclaimed "self-aware person" often sabotages their healthy conversations and connections by trying to "solve" everyone's struggles.
People who misguidedly believe they're self-aware, but may just be rudely "blunt" and egotistical, may offer up advice without grasping the limits of their knowledge or privilege. Similar to a narcissist, who often has emotional intelligence without the capacity for empathy, they believe they're always right, no matter the circumstances.
However, in most cases, when someone brings up their struggles and vents about the anxieties of their lives, they're not looking for an immediate solution and they're certainly not yearning to be preached at — they simply want a listening ear and a beacon of support to lean on.
7. Policing other people's behavior with boundaries
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Setting and enforcing boundaries is always about you, not necessarily about other people.
When you set an intentional boundary in a relationship or communicate that line in the sand with others, it's about the kind of behavior you're willing to tolerate, not a means to police other people into acting a certain way.
You can't police someone else's reactions, responses, or behaviors with boundaries, but you can protect yourself from falling into the cycle of resentment, frustration, and guilt by removing yourself from the situation. Going into a conversation and condemning people for acting a certain way — under the ruse of "setting boundaries" — is one of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude.
While the prevalence and overuse of "therapy speak" has made phrases like "setting boundaries" and "protecting my peace" vague and unclear, truly self-aware people know that they're the ones in control. They can't shame, guilt, and police other people, trying to fit them into a mold that's most comfortable and palatable for them.
8. Not expressing emotions in vulnerable situations
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In healthy relationships and vulnerable conversations, people who misguidedly believe they're "self-aware" may subconsciously suppress their emotions, believing that "acknowledging" their emotions requires them to not show them at all.
While a truly self-aware person is capable of acknowledging and accepting that their emotions are not a reflection of their character — keeping them from having emotional outbursts of anger or frustration — they don't disregard the importance of emotional vulnerability in relationships they care to maintain, according to author and Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan David.
Suppressing emotions and holding emotional expression as a moral high ground over others in a relationship is one of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude, especially in the face of another incredibly thoughtful and intentionally vulnerable person.
9. Going 'no-contact' with people over petty disagreements
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The effectiveness of a "no-contact" decision, or cutting a relationship completely out of your life, relies upon a truly intentional, mindful, and self-aware person, according to psychologist Mark Travers. When someone is simply cutting off relationships because they don't want to hear their opinions, make space for differing values, or cope with discomfort, that's one of the behaviors people think are self-aware, but are really just rude.
Especially in relationships that can be saved by better communication and healthy boundaries, like psychologist Carla Shuman suggests, truly self-aware people won't cut someone out of their lives simply out of convenience or comfort.
10. Hyper-focusing on what they do well
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While it's true that self-awareness is a general acknowledgement of the behaviors you do well, alongside things that are opportunities for growth, people who preach only about all the things they do wonderfully — especially intending to seek attention or grasp at feelings of superiority in social situations — are generally not as aware as they claim to be.
Being open to growth and confident in seeking out challenges is incredibly important for sustaining a healthy well-being, according to a study from New Ideas in Psychology. However, it's important to be able to recognize where you need to grow, especially in close relationships and connections with other people. Otherwise, you set yourself up to dismiss other people's hurt and invalidate their emotions in the face of your misguided actions.
11. Refusing to take accountability for other people's hurt
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A foundational piece of self-awareness is not only being able to acknowledge the ways your words, actions, and behaviors affect yourself, but also others. Taking accountability for your mistakes and shortcomings isn't possible without self-awareness, according to master coach Dr. Peggy Marshall.
Even for self-aware people who don't agree with another person's opinions or even believe their actions were justified in the moment, they take accountability for making others feel dismissed, invalidated, or unseen. However, misguidedly self-aware people tend to avoid this kind of accountability, over-explaining their actions and shaming others for expressing their hurt.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.