11 Behaviors That Seem Rude But Are Actually Signs Of A Very Nervous Person
Discomfort and anxiety are often misconstrued for hostility.
pics five | Shutterstock Considering the emotional and physical experiences of anxiety — feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes, according to the American Psychological Association — alongside general nervousness are often overwhelming and all-encompassing for the person navigating them, it's not surprising that some of their behaviors are perceived negatively by others.
Feelings of anxiety and nervousness can urge people to adopt a "fight or flight" mentality, where they're more concerned with coping with discomfort and steering away from perceived danger than being present in social interactions and conversations. Because they're focused on grappling with that automatic nervous experience and the physical changes that accompany it, it’s not surprising there are certain behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person.
Here are 11 behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person
1. Getting distracted easily
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One of the common behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person is the tendency to get distracted easily, whether it's looking over a person's shoulder in conversation, struggling to complete a work task, or avoiding eye contact with someone.
According to a study from the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, it's common for people suffering with anxiety or nervousness to struggle with concentration, experiencing cognitive overload and overstimulation in ways that can fog their brain's ability to focus on a specific task, person, or conversation.
Of course, being distracted or struggling to focus on someone in a conversation can also be deemed "rude" in social situations, despite being a coping mechanism for anxious people, as it encourages other people to feel less heard and valued.
Alice Boyes, author of "The Anxiety Toolkit," argues that anxious people who get caught up in their own nervousness and demanding emotional needs often sabotage their chances at being perceived positively by others.
Considering their emotional needs feel more overwhelming in social situations, it's not uncommon for them to hyperfixate on coping with that discomfort over making space to listen and support others, helping them to feel valued in conversation.
2. Canceling plans
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Especially leading up to social events and interactions with people they don't have an established relationship with, a nervous and anxious person's tendency to cancel plans can be quickly deemed rude or insensitive by others.
According to psychologist Emily Hylton-Jean, PhD, many nervous people grapple with social anxiety that encourages them to withdraw from social interactions and avoid seemingly uncomfortable plans. Leading up to the event, they're always thinking about how to avoid going, overthinking how they may be perceived or the toll that the interaction with others will have on their social battery.
However, canceling plans because of social anxiety can actually exacerbate its consequences in the long-term, according to Hylton-Jean, encouraging people to miss out on the benefits of social interaction that socially anxious and nervous people still experience, as explained by research from the Journal of Anxiety Disorders.
Many of the behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person, like canceling plans or avoiding social interactions, aren't actually helping them to prioritize their true emotional well-being.
3. Being quick to irritability and frustration
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Anxiety and nervousness tend to heighten irritability, according to a study from Psychological Medicine, encouraging socially anxious and nervous people to be quickly perceived as rude in conversations and conflicts.
Considering many people's natural response to fear — whether it's tangible or not — is to get angry or defensive, it's not surprising that nervous people who tend to live in a constant state of "fight or flight" view social interaction and emotional overstimulation as a trigger for this behavior.
However, this reliance on frustration and irritability can also sabotage the ability for other people to feel comfortable, valued, and heard in conversations, making this one of the behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person.
4. Avoiding social events and interactions
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Anxious and consistently nervous people tend to have their own perceived threats about navigating life. Whether they be uncomfortable social interactions, judgment, or something entirely different, it encourages them to feed into the cycle of anxiety-avoidance that experts like certified psychiatrist Nicole Washington describe.
They may consistently avoid or steer clear of people, situations, or events where it's possible that they're forced to confront that threat. While it may seem practical and comforting for a nervous person to cancel plans, avoid social events, or new interactions with people in their office, it's also one of the behaviors that's quickly labeled as rude by others.
Especially for people who don't struggle with this kind of overwhelming nervousness themselves, an anxious person's tendency toward avoidance can feel like a lack of interest or respect, rather than a misguided coping mechanism.
5. Not asking other people questions
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Many anxious people only give one-word answers or avoid heavily participating in conversations at all to avoid their fears of judgment or criticism in social situations, encouraging other people to label them as disinterested or rude.
According to therapist and psychology expert Linda Hubbard, especially in overstimulating social situations or conversations, anxious people tend to unknowingly disregard other people's needs and emotions, more focused on coping with their own internal struggles and discomfort.
Manifestations of this overwhelming experience can look different for everyone — sometimes even encouraging people to talk about themselves or in general too much — but it often leads to other participants in conversation feeling unacknowledged and unvalued.
6. Hypervigilance
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Many anxious and nervous people live in a constant state of hypervigilance, always on the lookout for perceived threats and triggers that can spark emotional overwhelm. According to a study from the Journal of Anxiety Disorders, this common behavior feeds into a toxic cycle of anxious thoughts where perceived threats spark anxiety and nervous thoughts encourage people to be more hypervigilant.
More focused on acknowledging these triggers and coping with the distraction that often follows, it's not surprising that to others this is one of the behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person.
7. Never making plans with friends
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Many anxious people fall short on taking the lead with social interactions or making plans in their relationships, which can often be perceived as disinterest or rudeness by others, especially when their anxiety and personal emotional struggles aren't always a topic of conversation.
Waiting for someone else to reach out or "push them out of their comfort zone," an overly anxious person may let their overthinking tendencies and anxious thoughts keep them from reaching out first — afraid of judgment, being perceived as "needy," or being the person to make plans that they may not want to go to down the road.
8. Being emotionally avoidant or withdrawn
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Depending on what sparks an anxious person's nervous thoughts, vulnerable conversations, conflicts, or passing conversations with strangers can encourage them to hyperfocus on their own discomfort.
Rather than being present and expressing their emotions to others, they may retreat inward, being perceived as emotionally avoidant or withdrawn by the people around them.
Like many of the other behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person, other people's perceptions of an anxious person aren't always well-founded. In fact, a study from the University of Minnesota found that anxiety and apathy have much different effects on a person's communication and decision-making skills, despite both playing a role in misguided perceptions like disinterest or rudeness.
9. Avoiding eye contact
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Unfortunately for anxious people who tend to close off emotionally and physically when experiencing discomfort in social situations, avoiding eye contact encourages people to perceive you as less competent and confident than those who make an effort to maintain it, according to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
Despite being an innate coping mechanism for grappling with anxious thoughts and emotional overstimulation, having closed off body language or avoiding eye contact can sabotage truly healthy connection and interaction for everyone involved.
When people don't feel acknowledged, appreciated, or heard — even by a person's body language — they're less likely to form a positive perception of you and the social interaction, which often fuels misguided perceptions of rudeness in very nervous people.
10. Not replying to text messages
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Not responding to text messages or avoiding phone calls with peers is one of the behaviors that seem rude but are actually signs of a very nervous person. In fact, the longer an anxious person procrastinates responding to a text message and overthinking their response, the harder it is for them to actually respond, creating a natural disconnect between them and their friends, family, and peers.
While it might seem unnatural to people who grew up outside of social media and the internet, many relationships are supported by communication online, so it's not surprising that a person's avoidance of a phone call or text messages is one of the behaviors that seem rude to the average person.
11. Asking people to repeat things
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According to a study from Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, many anxious people experience a decline in cognitive skills like memory processing, concentration, and focus, as their brain spends most of its energy trying to emotionally regulate and cope with the overwhelming nature of fear, nervousness, and discomfort.
In conversations, this can look like emotional withdrawal, but it can also force anxious people to ask for repetition consistently in their social interactions, encouraging others to believe they weren't listening or were disengaged or distracted while they were talking.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.