11 Phrases Men Only Think Are Rude When A Woman Says Them
Women who hear how rude they are for saying these things often find themselves completely baffled.
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock.com Most women can relate to the feeling of being in what seems like a pleasant enough conversation with a man, only to be told what she thought was an innocent statement came off to him as almost unforgivably rude. They may be engaged in an important discussion at work or a passionate conversation with their partner, when they are blind-sided to find themselves being snapped at for something they casually said. This is because, while men may not even be conscious of it, there are several specific phrases they typically only think are rude when a woman is the person saying them.
These women don't mean any harm, and are more likely than not just doing their job or stating a clear boundary, yet, as the team at GRG Executive Search explained about women who display leadership characteristics like assertiveness and confidence, "Because these qualities are the antithesis of stereotypical feminine behaviour... [they] often incur a 'likeability penalty."
Here are 11 phrases men only think are rude when a woman says them
1. ‘No, thank you’
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While many people, regardless of gender, are susceptible to adopting people-pleasing behaviors as a result of childhood trauma or toxic relationships, society places pressure on women to people-please from a very young age. According to experts from the Connolly Counselling Center, this pressure can manifest in a number of ways, but many are rooted in gender norms that encourage women to be quiet, pleasant, and agreeable, both to appease men and to protect themselves.
While the societal reinforcements of this behavior evolve over time, following women into the workplace, relationships, and personal anxieties, many women’s people-pleasing tendencies — as well as prior experiences with men — encourage them to avoid saying “no.”
Of course, everyone should feel comfortable saying “no” to set boundaries and protect their own well-being, but women are often characterized as rude or entitled when they do so, especially when compared to men, who are collectively celebrated for their stubbornness and perceived confidence.
2. ‘I’m speaking’
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It’s no surprise that there are inherently gendered double standards when it comes to perceptions of rudeness, and studies like one conducted by Stanford researchers confirm that disproportionate reactions can be subtle and manifest in unsuspecting situations. The researchers found that men who interrupted others were deemed assertive, confident, and passionate, while women who made similar interruptions were labeled “rude, less friendly, and less intelligent.”
While using phrases like “I’m speaking” to reassert themselves during conversations where they're not being respected is important for women in order to carve space for their voices, they can also be simultaneously deemed “rude” by men who do the exact same thing.
Combating these double standards may seem like an overwhelming task, but it’s possible for women to contribute to changing this dynamic. BBC correspondent Lucy Kellaway argues that “men should not be made to interrupt less, women should be made to do it more.”
3. ‘I deserve more money for my work’
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According to research studies on employee salary negotiations, women are much less likely to negotiate their pay with a potential employer or even ask for a raise in an existing job compared to men — not because they’re complicit with still-existing pay gaps, but because they’re perceived as rude, unlikeable, and “difficult to work with” for doing so, compared to men deemed “tough and competent.”
Considering many women are encouraged to demand more money and lead with confidence in their salary negotiations to combat unequal pay and gender discrimination at work, it’s ironic that this often leads them to a worse-off position — being deemed as rude for standing their ground and advocating for themselves.
Like any of the other phrases men only think are rude when a woman says them, this one is rooted in the toxic belief that women are inherently inferior and should behave in a quiet, more submissive way to make space for male dominance and success. While it may be hard for anyone to come to terms with, women often face gender bias — even from men who don’t realize it.
4. ‘Thanks but I don’t need your help’
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A study from the Journal of Management Development found that intelligence in women often manifests as sheer assertiveness and confidence — two traits that are incredibly uncomfortable for men driven by stereotypical gender norms and beliefs. Coming from a competent, assertive, and intelligent woman, a phrase like this one can quickly be deemed as rude by an insecure man.
Of course, outside the scope of gendered double standards, asking for help can often contribute to positive perceptions of intelligence, according to a study published in the Management Science journal. However, for women, it can also reinforce the misguided notion that they’re incompetent and don't have the same wisdom as men, making the virtue of independence controversial for women.
5. ‘I’m the most qualified person to handle this’
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While it’s inevitable that many women will be more qualified than their male peers in certain instances, this is one of the phrases men only think are rude when a woman says them.
Of course, the key to ensuring women are heard, respected, and not immediately demonized in traditional institutions like the workplace isn’t to adopt a sweet and agreeable approach. According to philanthropist and former Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, it’s to frame their confidence, intellect, and assertiveness as passion intended to support and help others. Sandberg suggests that if we can’t collectively overturn and unlearn the patriarchal construct and gender norms we’re living with, women can surely use them to their advantage.
6. ‘That’s not right’
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According to a 2008 study published in the Psychological Science journal, men who express anger experience a boost in perceived status and competence, compared to women who consistently are perceived as of lower status and lower competence.
Even in the workplace, this study suggests that assertive women, relying on the same phrases as their male colleagues, receive lower wages as a result expressing their opinions and calling out ignorance when they see it.
It’s a lose-lose situation for many confident and assertive women. When they speak up for themselves, call out misunderstandings, or forgo asking male colleagues for help, they’re deemed “incompetent and rude,” but when they don’t, they’re only feeding into the social norms and constructs that keep them in subordinate positions.
7. ‘I need you to do this’
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A survey from the Center for Creative Leadership suggests that women are much more likely to be labeled as “bossy” in the workplace, despite exhibiting similar — if not, the exact same — behaviors as men in the same positions.
By having respondents look at these behaviors without the term “bossy,” the survey also found that men were more likely to encourage and engage in the behaviors they deemed rude or overbearing in female leadership roles.
Like many of the other phrases men only think are rude when a woman says them, simply asking someone to complete a task, focus on their work, or be productive can cause men to believe a woman is inherently rude or bossy — even for just doing her job.
8. ‘Be a man’
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While the phrase “be a man” has its own toxic roots — encouraging men to feed into “restrictive masculinity” ideals that lack vulnerability and emotional intelligence, it’s often perceived as less aggressive when it comes from male peers than when it comes from the women in a man’s life.
Despite being controversial and misguided, the dichotomy between how men using this phrase are viewed vs. women doing the same illuminates gendered double standards — allowing men to protect and defend their misguided hyper-masculine identity by labeling women as rude, ignorant, or incompetent.
9. ‘I don’t appreciate being spoken to like that’
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Women who stand their ground and confidently speak up against disrespect in their lives are often deemed rude and difficult for simply setting boundaries and refusing to tolerate people who want them to apologize for being strong and confident. Young girls often learn to over-apologize and people-please from a young age, whether it’s through teacher sentiments at school, what their parents modeled in their relationship, or toxic relationships they have with men early in adulthood.
Rather than feeling empowered to speak their mind and confidently express their needs, girls and women are encouraged to be agreeable, quiet, and nice — held responsible for appeasing men who yearn for power, superiority, and control.
The realization that women are taught how to behave in the context of men is what fuels many empowered women to de-center men in their lives today. No, this isn’t a misandrist movement or a “man-hating” sentiment. It’s simply one that encourages women to behave, speak, and interact with their best interests in mind, rather than subtly appeasing the patriarchy, which can be controversial to men who are otherwise thriving in the context of traditional gender norms.
10. ‘It’s just a joke’
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The same phrase that many men rely on to gaslight and invalidate the women in their lives is one of the phrases men only think are rude when a woman says them. When they’re offended by a joke and their male friends or colleagues use this phrase, they’re less likely to hold a grudge, but when a woman uses it, they’re thought of as rude, ignorant, or unattractive.
While it’s an uncomfortable and sometimes triggering behavior to acknowledge, studies like one published in the Journal of Research and Personality, which suggests that in alignment with gender norms, unattractiveness, as perceived by men, is often linked with a risk for aggression, neglect, and bullying in women.
So, there’s another element to many of the discussions and phrases men only think are rude when a woman says them and it’s an incredibly harmful. If a man, especially operating successfully and willingly within toxic patriarchal structures, perceives a woman to be unattractive, there’s a chance they’ll be even more prone to aggression or bullying when they feel internally insecure or offended around them.
11. ‘You’re so dramatic’
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It’s important to recognize that many of the phrases men only think are rude when a woman says them are not necessarily healthy to use in relationships and conversations, but they’re still important to acknowledge as a symptom of gendered double standards.
Especially when it comes to a phrase like this that reimagines the insults and gendered stereotypes men often enforce with women, these statements can be even more offensive to a toxically hyper-masculine man.
When the script is flipped and they’re forced to confront the same insults and assumptions they perpetuate onto women, it can feel uncomfortable, disorienting, and lead to a defensive approach.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.