11 Phrases That Seem Innocent But Can Quietly Ruin A Marriage
You should avoid saying these phrases if you want to live happily ever after.
goodluz / Shutterstock Many people still are apprehensive about tying the knot nowadays, as it seems even the best of marriages end in divorce. Fortunately, this couldn't be further from the truth. Despite popular belief, marriages now are actually more stable than they were in the 1970s. That being said, just because marriage rates are dropping doesn't mean you can be careless with yours. In fact, there are several phrases that may seem innocent to the person saying them but that can quietly ruin a marriage over time.
Couples who truly want their marriage to last must do their utmost to consider their partner's needs. From dismissing their partner's feelings to making comparisons, doing their best to take these common phrases out of their vocabulary is a great way to start.
The 11 phrases that seem innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage
1. 'I told you so'
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The first phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is "I told you so." Every single person has likely either heard this from their partner or has uttered this phrase themselves. And whether it's said during an outing or while they're cleaning, this phrase can cause serious problems.
Saying this phrase is like rubbing salt in a wound. Sure, one party might have been right all along, however, rubbing it in the other person's face and pointing out how wrong they were isn't a good idea. Like it or not, using this phrase is just another form of belittling, which can damage your partner's self-esteem. After all, this phrase is condescending and can quickly make their partner feel inferior or dismissed without the other person even meaning to.
However, this isn't necessarily done on purpose. According to clinical social worker Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., "Most of us unconsciously belittle our partners to feel better about ourselves. This pattern is normal and unavoidable." That being said, just because it's normal doesn't mean couples can't do better.
By not saying this phrase or expressing their emotions more healthily, couples can avoid the pitfalls of marriage by simply being respect and honest in their responses. For instance, if it bothered them that their partner didn't listen, say, "Hey, I feel a bit unheard because..." Not only will this better address the issue, but it'll avoid making their partner feel less than too.
2. 'You remind me of so and so'
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To be fair, most people unconsciously make comparisons without even meaning to. When discussing celebrities, old exes, old friends, or even family, partners might say 'You remind me of so and so," a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage.
Let's face it: nobody wants to be compared. Depending on how bad a relationship ended or how close they are to their family, it might be triggering to hear that they're similar to an ex or their parents. And though people might think that comparisons are an obvious no-go in marriage, most people would be shocked by how many partners go the extra mile to point out these comparisons.
And while comparisons are useful when picking a partner, they're not necessarily useful in keeping one. Researcher and professor Aaron Ben-Zeév Ph.D. said, "Comparison is essential when choosing a romantic partner, for we compare their personal characteristics to those of others."
However, once couples have their partner and are married, it's best to stop with those comparisons. Zeév explained that it's much healthier to focus on accepting their partner as accepting leads to a decrease in this unhelpful behavior.
3. 'I'm not mad, I'm disappointed'
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Everyone has felt disappointed in their partner at some point in their marriage. From forgetting to take out the trash to forgetting their anniversary, these disappointments can pile up and cause couples to grow resentful. That being said, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is, "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed."
There's nothing wrong with expressing disappointment. Being open and honest about those uncomfortable feelings is the quickest way to resolve conflict and bring about closeness. However, there's a difference between saying, "I feel disappointed because of this," versus, "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed."
Uttering this vague phrase doesn't actually fix anything or help their partner get to the bottom of what's going on. In all honesty, it's just an unhelpful phrase that actively makes someone's partner feel terrible and riddled with guilt. According to researcher and professor of psychology Susan Krauss Whitbourne PhD, ABPP, "Being plagued by guilt can set up a pattern of interpersonal dynamics that can eat away at you, if not erode, the quality of your relationship."
So, while expressing that disappointment is important, be sure to be clear, otherwise, this guilt can slowly erode their otherwise healthy relationship.
4. 'You always do this'
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Every couple is bound to get into an argument here or there. From forgetting to clean up after themselves to trying to control situations out of their control, there are plenty of reasons why couples might bicker here and there. However, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is, “You always do this.”
It’s unfortunate, but many people say these words without blinking twice. When tensions are high, it’s easy to allow emotions to get the better of them and use extreme language to get their point across. Still, it’s important to exterminate that language in their vocabulary, otherwise, they can actively make things worse.
According to psychotherapist and professor of psychology Yana Hoffman, RP, C.C.D.C, and Hank Davis, Ph.D., saying always can be a trigger word that instantly puts the other person in defense mode.
So, instead of using this phrase, couples should simply say how they truly feel. Saying, “I don’t feel like my needs are being met because I don’t feel heard,” is a great alternative that doesn’t put the other person in defensive mode.
5. 'We will talk about this later'
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After arguing for hours on end, it’s all tempting to move on and let bygones be bygones. Most couples understand that no resolution can be accomplished when emotions are high and screaming matches have entered the building. Still, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is “We’ll talk about this later."
Now, there’s nothing wrong with saving a conversation for later. Taking a quick break after couples find themselves in an unhelpful screaming match is the quickest way to come together. According to the Gottman Institute, "Breaks give you time to calm down, deepen your perspective, and have a successful 'do-over' with your partner."
Even so, there’s a difference between saying, “We’ll talk about this in twenty minutes,” versus using the vague word later. Unfortunately, couples who typically say later really mean never, allowing things like resentment to manifest in the relationship. This is dangerous as resentment often leads to contempt, which is the number one predictor of divorce, according to the Gottman Institute.
6. 'You're being silly'
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The next phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is, “You’re being silly.” Whether it’s a partner crying over food or crying over a movie, there will always be moments in which people allow their emotions to get the better of them.
Having a bad day plus a minor inconvenience can turn even the strongest person into an utter mess. Even so, referring to a partner's emotions as silly simply because they don’t understand their perspective is one of the most dismissive things someone can do.
Being dismissive changes the way people perceive their emotions. One study published in 2024 found that when their emotions are judged as unacceptable, people are more likely to experience daily negative emotions and stressors.
So, instead of chalking it up to overreacting, try being understanding. Meeting them halfway there and saying, “I don’t understand what you’re going through or how you’re feeling, but I’m here,” is one of the best ways to validate their partner, thereby strengthening their marriage in the process.”
7. 'I can't do this anymore'
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Marriage isn’t easy. After being married for years, it’s all too common for couples to find each other at odds. From complaining about the way they sleep to not liking the way they handle family situations, the phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is, “I can’t do this anymore.”
Sure, saying this phrase might be the most honest way a partner can express themselves. Maybe they've truly had and want to express this vulnerability in the only way they know how. But there are more effective ways to express oneself than threatening the relationship.
Whether couples agree or not, saying this phrase is not only unhelpful and vague but simply dishonest as well. Rarely do people who say leave. It’s more likely that someone says this phrase simply because they’re overly emotional in the moment.
With this in mind, it’s better to take a break instead of saying the first thing on their mind. This method will avoid misunderstandings and cause both parties way less stress.
8. 'I'm fine'
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Life doesn’t always go according to plan. From setbacks at work to problems in their family, people must suck up their emotions and wear a grin to get through the day. Should people express themselves if they find themselves going through a rough time? Yes, but nobody wants to come off as burdensome and as a result, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is, “I’m fine.”
In front of their peers or coworkers, it’s okay to fake it until they make it. After all, someone they work with doesn’t need to know how bad of a week they’re having. But in the comfort of their home, it’s important to be upfront and honest about their emotions.
Remember: your partner is there to weather the storm with you. So, don’t feel ashamed to express vulnerability. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, suppressing emotions leaves the negative emotions intact while getting rid of any positive emotions, leading to the ending of their marriage if couples aren’t careful.
9. 'You should know by now'
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After spending years together, it's safe to say that most married couples can read one another like the back of their hand. Do they prefer coffee over tea? What about their favorite movie of all time? If a married couple is truly in sync with one another then these simple questions are as easy to answer as breathing. That being said, a phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is, "You should know by now."
Now, when it comes to simple questions like their favorite food, of course, their partner should know by now. However, there are certain things that a partner will never know the answer to, despite how 'obvious' it might seem to the other party.
For instance, not everyone knows how to react during emotionally charged situations. Most people are overly terrified of making people feel worse and, as a result, might hesitate to react as quickly as their partner might've preferred. This, unfortunately, might lead to worsening relationships as one partner misunderstands the other person's intentions.
To avoid this, both parties need to communicate their needs. While one person might need to speak up about their confusion on how to handle things, the other person should be willing to lend them a hand and tell them what they need. Remember, people change, and because of this, the 'comfort methods' that used to work five years ago might be completely different in the present day. So, as 'annoying' as it might be, make sure that both parties are informed about what the other person needs, otherwise, they can't be too upset if their partner doesn't know what to do.
10. 'We already talked about this'
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Nobody wants to repeat themselves after saying what's on their mind already. After all, revisiting that uncomfortable conversation can quickly make both people uncomfortable, leading to tensions as one person is unable to let go of the past and move forward in a more positive direction.
However, that's not the only thing wrong with this, as refusing to allow their partner to express themselves can make them feel isolated. As human beings need community and socialization to thrive and live their best life. So, when our partner doesn't allow us to say what's on our mind, it unintentionally causes us to repress our emotions, stunting healing in the process.
To avoid this, each person should listen to their partner and allow them to say what's on their mind. Even if it's uncomfortable, actively expressing themselves can make their partner feel relieved as they're finally able to address what's truly been bothering them.
11. 'That's just the way I am'
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Finally, the last phrase that seems innocent but can quietly ruin a marriage is, "That's just the way I am." Now, to be fair, if someone enters into a relationship with someone, they shouldn't try to change what they already know. For instance, if someone already knew that their partner loved going out and dressing up, they shouldn't expect them to suddenly change simply because they're married.
That being said, certain behaviors aren't acceptable. Being a temperamental-stubborn person with zero regard for anyone else shouldn't be brushed off. People need to grow and become better than what they were. Like it or not, staying in the same place without ever growing or learning from their old ways is the quickest way to end a marriage without even meaning to. People must be willing to compromise and work on their toxic behavior if they ever want to make any relationship work with someone.
Saying, "That's just the way I am," is a way of avoiding accountability. Psychotherapist William Berry, LMHC., CAP. stated, "These words have even been prefaced by, 'I can’t help it…'. Some might view it as a cop-out. In other words, one might be saying, 'I don’t have the motivation to change this aspect of myself.'”
With this in mind, both parties must work on themselves and their flaws if they want their marriage to work. Otherwise, they can kiss their otherwise beautiful marriage goodbye.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.