12 Sad But Common Signs Your Marriage Is Already Over
Making a decision to end a marriage is far from easy.
Motortion Films | Shutterstock While it's often uncomfortable to confront the reasons why partners stay in toxic and unhealthy marriages — from being present for the kids, to navigating loneliness post-divorce, and even fearing financial consequences — staying in a long-term relationship that's actively sabotaging your physical and emotional health isn't doing anyone any favors, according to psychiatrist Dr. Fredric Neuman.
If there's no communication, trust, or respect in a marriage, those are certainly a few of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over, but if there's space to grow with a partner, acknowledging and addressing these uncomfortable behaviors and feelings can help bring a relationship back to basics. You have the power to craft the life you deserve, whether that means finding a way to reconstruct your marriage back to a healthy space or making the difficult decision to leave it behind.
Here are 12 sad but common signs your marriage is already over
1. There's no mutual respect
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While many couples define respect in a variety of ways, experts like Aricia E. Shaffer argues it's about equity above equality, ensuring that partners have the freedom to support each other and feel supported in ways that make sense for their dynamic.
When those feelings of mutual understanding and support are sabotaged with deceit, a lack of communication, or even resentment, the lack of respect that follows is one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over.
Actually noticing this lack of respect and the subtle ways it manifests in marriage can be difficult, but marriage therapist Elisa M. Thomas argues that it's most commonly acknowledged as a feeling.
Do you feel safe, loved, and appreciated by your partner? Are the boundaries you set being respected? Can you trust your partner to be there for you, even in the hardest moments?
By recognizing these emotional gaps — how you need to be treated and how you're currently being treated by your partner — you can acknowledge where your marriage is falling short. In some cases, there are ways to rebuild this respect, but in others, it might be time to consider moving on.
2. You're constantly fighting
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If you constantly find yourself in petty arguments with your partner or can't shake the feeling that you're fighting all the time, that may be one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over.
While certain arguments founded on open communication and trust can be helpful for a marriage, helping partners to voice their needs and gain emotional support from their spouses, feeling drawn towards anger or irritability during every conversation isn't helping anyone feel secure.
3. You envision a future without your spouse
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Yearning for a sense of autonomy, independence, and personal fulfillment isn't uncommon, even in the healthiest of marriages, but with the right boundaries and a supportive partner, you can find ways to satisfy all those needs without getting a divorce.
However, one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over is feeling secluded from those opportunities, urging you to envision a future that doesn't include your spouse.
Dreading the future in a relationship is a clear sign that something needs to change. Not only does this uncertainty tend to build resentment and add unnecessary anxiety to your present moment, it pressures partners to avoid necessary conversations about the future — from financial decisions, to parenting choices, and long-term investments.
4. There's no more physical affection or intimacy
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Lacking physical intimacy and affection in a marriage isn't necessarily a sign that your marriage is completely over, considering all the other elements of daily life than can urge partners to disconnect, like relationship coach Christiana Njoku explains — from work stress, to parenting responsibilities, and even illness — but coupled with other red flags, it's important to acknowledge.
Considering emotional intimacy and connection are intangibly connected to physical affection in partners, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, a marriage that lacks communication, respect, and trust will likely fall short in physical attachment, as well.
Not only do both partners feel less drawn towards physical affection in a spouse that's not emotionally supporting them in other ways, they occasionally grow resentment in ways that sabotage many aspects of a marriage — from honest communication, to making compromises, and effectively resolving issues and conflict.
5. You blame each other for everything
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When one or both partners in a marriage refuse to take accountability for their mistakes or genuinely apologize for their hurtful behavior, it's not uncommon for uncomfortable feelings of resentment and distrust to form.
Not only do both partners become the worst versions of themselves motivated by these feelings of contempt, constantly blaming their spouses rather than owning up to their shortcomings, this situation can also cause a relationship to become stagnant.
Without the ability to grow and push each other to show up better in their marriage with healthy conversations, both partners lose sight of the connection that makes them a team.
6. You attack each other's character
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Outside of nonverbal and verbal manifestations of contempt in a marriage, like a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues can sabotage intimacy between partners, attacking a spouse's character is one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over.
Whether it's name-calling, spreading rumors, shifting blame, or making false accusations, partners who don't have the ability to treat each other with a basic level of respect and compassion often struggle with other foundational elements of a healthy relationship like conflict resolution or affection.
7. You speak negatively about each other to other people
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When there's an issue in your marriage or a problem that needs resolving, the only person you should be turning to is your partner, at least in a healthy relationship, according to dating coach Nick Notas.
While it's natural for partners to occasionally complain and talk about how you're feeling to friends and family, relying on them as an outlet to speak poorly about your spouse only sparks resentment and mistrust.
For bigger issues of commitment, emotional needs, and trust, it's integral to a marriage's well-being to invest in healthy communication avenues between partners. If you don't have a safe and secure space to speak to your spouse about what's hurting you, that's one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over.
8. There's no mutual trust anymore
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While there are certainly a variety of reasons why couples may struggle with trust in a marriage, like past traumatic experiences, deceit, anxious attachment styles, or even lacking communication, figuring out ways to rebuild and establish understanding is required for healthy relationships, according to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology.
From larger deceits like infidelity to more subtle behaviors like telling white lies, a relationship without trust is one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over.
Life is complex, our routines are chaotic, and there may even still be love between partners in a struggling marriage, not all of these signs are definitive signs of an impending divorce. But if there's no mutual commitment to changing them, who's truly benefiting from tolerating this behavior?
9. You avoid conflict about important topics
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Opening up conversations about martial issues and uncomfortable feelings like resentment can feel anxiety-inducing, even in a healthy relationship, but to rebuild a safe and secure space for communication, partners have to learn how to embrace conflict as a means of resolving their issues.
When couples actively avoid conflict to protect their own victimhood or to shift blame, those issues don't simply go away; rather, they linger under the surface of every interaction and petty argument.
To nurture a truly healthy relationship for everyone, both people have to be willing to set their own ego aside to celebrate arguments and conflict. They not only bond partners closer together, ensuring their voices are heard and their needs are met, they also encourage important emotional and relational growth.
10. You both don't communicate outside of arguments
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Studies, like one from the Journal of Marriage and Family, argue that there's a link between marital satisfaction and communication, but both play into each other in important ways. Of course, if you're getting your needs met by a partner, feel safe in their presence, and trust them to support, respect, and show up for you, you're going to be more inclined to communicate openly with them.
Similarly, if you're committed to open communication and having honest conversations, you'll feel happier and more satisfied in your marriage. However, one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over is a deterioration of both of these experiences — never feeling safe enough to communicate, but also not committing to truthfully communicating outside of petty arguments.
The only way to get on the same page with your partner, especially in a long-term relationship like a marriage where everything is constantly evolving, is to communicate honestly and openly.
11. You seek affection and attention from other people
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Investing in relationships with friends and family outside of a marriage is important, especially when they provide emotional support, healthy communication, and respect, but seeking out the attention and affection you're missing from an intimate partner in these situations can spark resentment and disconnect.
In some cases, this desire for external validation and attention is a symptom of insecurity and low self-esteem — sabotaging healthy relationships and connections — but in other cases, it can be a result of lacking intimacy and attention in a marriage. If you're not getting your needs met by a partner and feeling drawn elsewhere, that can be one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over.
12. You feel like you're living separate lives
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According to licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, prioritizing alone time in a marriage can be incredibly healthy, giving both partners a chance to invest time into their own emotional regulation strategies, hobbies, interests, and personal growth.
However, when the balance between quality time and alone time in a relationship grows uneven, it often causes disconnection between partners that can be isolating and uncertain.
If you don't feel prioritized by your partner, even to the extent that it feels like you're roommates or living separate lives altogether, that's one of the sad but common signs your marriage is already over.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.