6 Peace-Making Phrases To Use In Your Marriage That Work Like Magic (Almost) Every Time
Shift your relationship from misery and return to magic.
Olezzo via Shutterstock As a certified Divorce Mediator, I specialize in divorce prevention and saving marriages that are in trouble. People often ask what I've learned, and the primary lesson is that when one partner learns to let go of anger and frustration, both partners can reconnect with love.
It is easy to get stuck in a bad pattern. Most people can relate to the moment you look at them across the breakfast table and wonder where your happy spouse has gone. When did this person creep into your home? When did you become so disagreeable? The good news is, life-long couples can prevent catastrophic disagreements by learning a system of phrases.
But if you ignore the tension in your relationship for more than a few weeks, it’s like forgetting to vacuum the floor or wash the laundry — the anger accumulates like dust and dirty clothes. Small irritations grow until you want to pack a bag and ask your friends for their divorce lawyers’ phone numbers. But you can fix it.
Six peace-making phrases to use in marriage that work like magic (most of the time)
Remember to tailor these to the situation at hand and to say them with love and understanding.
1. 'That sounds very stressful...'
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The first step to ending an argument is to develop a soft, calm tone of voice and practice using it. Most divorced men and women will tell you denials, arguments, and defensive statements create the end of marriages, as does the use of an aggressive or overly loud tone, as outlined by The Gottman Institute.
Here's what works.
- Understand your partner may argue with you because they are stressed or afraid — so recognize that in your calm voice. When you have a calming, happy voice instead of a defensive, resentful one, some issues begin to disappear because you are not increasing their stress.
- Practice this calm voice until you convey love rather than judgment or resentment, which is a skill worth developing. Many people will benefit from recording themselves into a cell phone voice memo and playing it back.
By learning brain-breathing, you will be able to self-soothe in 3 minutes and can truly offer your partner a peaceful home. Brain-breathing is a quick technique based on yogic breathing to re-oxygenate your brain, calm yourself, and ground you into your body.
This moves you from anxious thoughts and back to peace. It is a technique to shift focus, use full breath, awaken more of the brain, and create peaceful and joyful thoughts.
2. 'I think I understand what you're asking for...'
The second step is to translate complaints, which are negative words, into needs, which are positive words, so you understand what triggers your partner and avoid unnecessary friction. The Journal of Marriage and the Family shows how complaints about arguing and bickering mean there is an urgent need for peace.
Wife: “He never listens to me.”
This is her opportunity to learn how to motivate her husband to listen. By speaking first about his needs instead of her own, she will be amazed as he begins to listen intently.
Instead, try saying: "It would be meaningful to me if we could slow down this conversation and talk about what we really need. I would love it if I could express my whole thought and then you can express your whole thought. We won't interrupt each other."
Husband: "She always argues with me."
When a husband says his wife always argues with him, he can create peace by learning how to listen to her and then persuade her instead of reacting and fighting.
Instead, try saying: "I hear you that you feel like I'm not listening. I don't want to do that. Let's try to fix it."
3. 'I remember the wonderful times from the past, can we try that again?'
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The Journal of Family Psychology helps us understand that verbal hostility about sex means there is a need for greater intimacy and passion, even though it sounds as if the complaint might imply a desire not to be intimate.
We often say things like this:
Husband: “You never touch me anymore, don’t you find me attractive?”
Instead, try: “When you ignore me at night, I assume you’ve lost interest in me. Can we discuss this and see how to heal the distance between us, dear?”
Another example
Wife: “You used to love having sex with me, now it’s like you'd rather do anything but”
Instead, try: “I can also remember how passionate we used to be. Can we have a dinner date tomorrow like we used to and remember how wonderful it can be?”
4. 'Can we set a time to talk about this and make a plan together?'
Arguing about money sounds as if there’s a complaint about how you spend money or how much you spend, which usually means the partner who is the greater earner is concerned for the family’s financial security or about accumulating a nest egg for their future retirement, as supported the Family and Consumer Sciences Research Journal.
Husband: “No matter how much money I bring home, it’s never enough!”
Instead, try: "Can we discuss our bills and see where we can economize? I want to be on the same page so we don't end up in conflict."
Bonus points, if you can reply to this request with something like: “Honey, I’m so proud of you for the success you’re having in your career. I think it would be great to be on the same page."
5. 'I want to make sure I understand what you're feeling...'
Conflicts about children aren't always the way they sound. They may sound like nit-picking over details, but they are always based on fear. Some partners fear safety issues will affect the children. Others feel jealous their children have the love and attention the spouse wants for themselves.
Here's an example of how a husband turned a fight-provoking phrase into a peaceful solution:
Wife: “You never spend any time with Bobby!”
Here, the husband can choose a solution-oriented phrase rather than a defensive one to turn the conversation around.
Husband: "I want to make sure I understand what you're feeling. Are you asking me to create a plan for the three of us, or is there something you think Bobby would like to do just with me?”
-OR-
Husband: “Do you think Bobby would prefer to go fishing or batting practice with me? I have time tomorrow for either of them.”
6. (insert loving phrase about handling jealousy)
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Jealousy is one of the worst “viruses” to infect a loving marriage. It can begin with an innocent look at someone at a party and take hold with such a tight grasp. Eventually, the most loving bond has been destroyed, as supported by a study of marital problems and subsequent divorce. So, try the following.
Wife: “Why did you take me to your office party if you were just going to flirt with that blonde!”
Husband: I did no such thing! Why are you so insecure!
Instead, the husband can try acknowledging the reality: “I made a mistake paying any attention to her. I will be careful to be sure she understands that my marriage means everything to me.”
Most divorcees will tell you that criticism, harsh judgments, and bickering ended their marriages. While so many brides and grooms believe their beauty and appeal will last forever or the attraction they generate will lead to a lifelong commitment, unfortunately, they rarely do.
Instead, you can use language to create love, loyalty, respect, and trust for a lifelong bond. Once this foundation is firmly established, passion, cooperation, and joy develop and are sustained as long as you keep these verbal skills ready at hand.
Susan Allan is a Life Coach whose Evolution Revolution Trainings offer proven tools to experience joy, and happiness and let go of suffering.