5 Ways To Tell If Someone Is A Genuinely Kind Person Or Just Being Nice, According To Psychology
Yes, there's a difference between kind and nice.
Syda Productions | Canva Pro Kind and nice — the two words seem to be synonymous, but there are key differences in how genuinely kind people act and how people just being nice act.
Kindness comes from honoring one's own boundaries while also respecting others, but being nice can be a surface emotion that is ultimately self-serving.
A life coach named Francesca took to TikTok to share the nuanced distinction between these often interchangeably used characteristics and why it's so important to know the differences.
Here are 5 ways to tell if someone is a genuinely kind person or just being nice:
With a B.S. in psychology and a resume that includes published author and podcast host, Francesca is well-versed in how to distinguish kind people from simply nice people.
1. Kind people let you know how they truly feel
According to Francesca, nice people tend to keep quiet so "they keep the peace" in relationships. Whereas kind people will communicate their feelings even when they disagree with you while still taking yours into account.
They don't just smile and nod to get through conversations; they listen to you and want you to know that you hear them.
Being nice when you disagree is much easier than being kind, but if you truly care about the person you are interacting with, those hidden feelings could lead to resentment.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author, told CNN, "Being nice involves being polite and pleasing to others." Adding, “If you’re people pleasing, you’re placing an expectation on the person you’re being nice to that they respond to you in a certain way."
2. Kind people will 'lovingly' tell you 'no'
It's okay to say no, and genuinely kind people are comfortable with this. They won't be mean in their negative response and will likely offer you alternatives, but they won't do something they don't want to or are simply uncomfortable with because they are afraid it might hurt your feelings. Kind people don't disregard their own boundaries, but they will try to meet you halfway.
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Francesca noted, however, that when someone is simply being nice, they'll say "yes, when they really mean no."
According to PsychCentral, saying no is an emotionally intelligent skill and is crucial to self-preservation. Saying yes to everything and everyone may drain us substantially and take away from our own time.
3. Kind people are honest about their emotions
Nice people will often smile through the pain instead of admitting they aren't doing so well, which can be detrimental at times. They'll fake their way through social gatherings and one-on-one hangouts to please others.
Kind people will let you know how they are feeling, but be sure to let you know they do want to spend time with you. They take your feelings into consideration while also putting themselves first.
While people often shy away from putting themselves first, MSNBC states that it improves your happiness and productivity by allowing you to have time to recharge so you can be at your best.
4. Kind people are honest about their likes and dislikes
Nice people will let others walk all over them by not revealing any of their preferences. They live in a go-along-to-get-along mindset.
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For example, imagine all your friends want to go out for frozen yogurt, but you're not a fan. Instead of going along with the group and spending money on something you don't even want, a genuinely kind person will let their friends know the truth and offer suggestions for other places to go instead.
5. Kind people 'respectfully communicate their boundaries'
The overarching theme of all these signs is boundaries. Respecting boundaries is important in your relationship with yourself as well as those around you.
Kind people will respectfully communicate their boundaries when they are crossed, while nice people won't say anything when they're hurt.
According to Psychology Today, to set boundaries, you must figure out what you want from your life and the people around you. From there, you can work on developing and enforcing those boundaries.
It's easy to mistake niceness for kindness, and if you notice more nice characteristics in your personality than genuine nice characteristics, that's okay. Recognizing the difference is how you can begin to change. Once you do, you'll likely be surprised how it improves your life and your relationships with the people you care about most.
Sahlah Syeda is a writer for YourTango who covers entertainment, news, and human interest topics.