9 Signs Someone Is Not Nice, Even If They Pretend To Be
People like this eventually show their true colors.
Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock From an early age, we're taught that being nice is one of the most important traits to have. In kindergarten, we learn the value of the golden rule: to treat others as we want to be treated.
Yet not everyone takes that rule to heart. In fact, sometimes, someone is not nice despite pretending to be. People often put up a front that makes them seem nicer than they really are, but their true selves always show up in subtle ways.
Here are 9 signs someone is not nice, even if they pretend to be
1. They're judgmental
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Being judgmental is an indication that someone isn't as nice as they pretend to be. To some extent, being judgmental is part of human nature. When we meet a new person, we judge whether we can trust them and if we feel safe around them.
A 2020 research study noted that making immediate inferences about someone's personality is rooted in evolution, and doing so is part of the adaptive process that helps us make decisions. Yet making assessments on people isn't necessarily a neutral activity, even if it is human nature.
It's likely that a person who isn't as nice as they're pretending to be will openly share the judgments they make about others without hesitation. Their judgments might take on a cruel tone, or they might be in reference to aspects of someone's personality that they can't control.
A truly nice person is open-minded enough to change their initial judgment calls once they learn more about someone, unlike a person who isn't actually nice.
2. They lack accountability
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Another sign that someone is only pretending to be nice is that they're quick to blame others, but don't show any accountability of their own.
Admitting when we're wrong is rarely a comfortable feeling, yet doing so proves we're self-reflective and willing to take responsibility for our mistakes.
Accountability goes beyond just saying sorry. To be fully accountable requires people to think critically about how they relate to others. Being accountable means you accept your imperfections, without lashing out or getting defensive.
Someone who's not nice will always find a reason that their behavior isn't actually their fault, which reinforces their inability to hold themselves accountable.
3. They disrespect boundaries
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Psychologist Nick Wignall explained that setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships, and for a person's individual emotional health and well-being.
He noted that in order for boundaries to work, specificity and consistency are key. Making clearly-defined boundaries requires a person to clearly state what behaviors they'll no longer tolerate, along with the consequences for what they'll do if their boundaries are crossed.
Crossing boundaries doesn't necessarily mean someone isn't nice, but if it happens repeatedly, they're showing you their true colors. When someone habitually crosses boundaries, it indicates that they care more about their own needs than anyone else's, which is a cornerstone of not being nice.
4. They don't show gratitude
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According to the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, gratitude is a form of "social glue" that holds relationships together. A lack of gratitude can erode people's connections to one another.
Gratitude can be categorized in different ways. It's an affective trait, meaning that someone can have an overall grateful disposition. Gratitude can also be both a mood and an emotion.
Various studies have found that cultivating gratitude makes people more generous, kind, and helpful towards others. Researchers often note a particular aspect of gratitude that helps people form and keep relationships: The "find, remind, and bind" function.
Someone with a strong gratitude practice pays attention to how thoughtful others are, which helps them find people they want to be in a relationship with. Having gratitude reminds people about the quality of their existing relationships, and it binds people to their friends and partners by making them appreciate and feel appreciated.
A person who's not nice usually struggles to display gratitude. Their general attitude skews toward negativity, meaning they pick out what's wrong rather than what they feel grateful for. Their relationships tend to suffer because they don't appreciate what they already have.
5. They're not reliable
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You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat other people's time.
A kind, thoughtful person shows their respect for others by following through on what they said they would do. This means they meet you for coffee when they said they would, instead of texting you 10 minutes beforehand to say they can't make it.
Reliability requires people to think beyond their own needs. Being reliable shows that a person is empathetic, as they're able to consider other people's perspectives and imagine how they feel.
In contrast, a person who's unreliable doesn't take other people's emotions into consideration. Being unreliable is a sign that someone isn't as nice as they pretend to be.
6. They put other people down
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Another way to tell if someone isn't as nice as they're pretending to be is to pay attention to how they talk about other people.
They might put up a front of kindness when they're around certain people, then talk about them behind their backs. They might call attention to another person's insecurities, then say it was just a joke. They might tease people, then ignore them when they express that their feelings are hurt.
Relying on insults and putting other people down to make themselves feel good is a clear indication that someone isn't as nice as they're pretending to be.
7. They have a superiority complex
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Having a strong sense of sense-worth is vital to a person's well-being, yet it's also possible for someone to overemphasize their abilities and alienate the people around them.
A person with a superiority complex has an inflated sense of self. They believe that they're better than other people. While it seems counterintuitive, having a superiority complex is actually caused by deep feelings of insecurity.
According to psychotherapist Alfred Adler, superiority arises out of inferiority. It exists as a defense mechanism against someone's feelings of inferiority.
A person who's insecure doesn't always have an oversized ego. Their insecurities might manifest as having low self-esteem or not believing in themselves. Yet when someone routinely puts themselves on a pedestal and looks down on others, it shows that they're not very nice at all.
8. They hold grudges
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Not accepting other people's flaws is a sign that someone isn't nice, even if they pretend to be.
People who show true kindness are able to hold space for inconsistencies and recognize that no one shows up as their best selves all the time. They understand that perfection is a myth.
When they feel hurt, they call attention to it and expect actionable repair, but they don't hold people's mistakes against them. They let go of past damage, instead of letting it consume them.
But someone who holds grudges is often unable to see a person's mistake as separate from who they are at their core. They define people by what they've done wrong, instead of giving them grace.
9. They don't return favors
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Someone who isn't as nice as they pretend to be has high expectations for their friends, but doesn't offer their own friendship in the same way.
They expect you to show up for them whenever they need you, yet that flexibility and generosity only goes one way, from you to them.
If you ask them for even a small favor, they always have an excuse about being too busy or overwhelmed to help out. They rely on the kindness of other people, but they don't pay that kindness back.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.