10 Phrases To Remove From Your Vocabulary To Avoid Sounding Like A People Pleaser
What you say impacts your mindset.
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock Believe it or not, what you say impacts your mindset. This is why removing specific phrases from your vocabulary is essential to avoid sounding like a people-pleaser.
According to research, negative and positive words impact your brain. Specifically, uttering negative words released stress and anxiety, as cited in research by PAIN. In comparison, the book Words Can Change Your Brain cited that positive words activate your frontal lobe and lead to viewing yourself and others positively.
Knowing how powerful words can be, what are some phrases you need to start avoiding in your everyday vocabulary? Most importantly, how do these phrases impact you?
Here are the ten phrases to remove from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like a people-pleaser:
1.‘Please, it’s no trouble at all’
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One phrase you should remove from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like a people-pleaser is, ‘Please, it’s no trouble at all.’ Though it might sound considerate, saying this phrase makes you appear desperate and eager to please.
Most of the time, when people say this, they’re hiding the fact that the other person's request was actually troublesome. But not wanting to appear rude, you disguise your real feelings by reassuring the other person that they did nothing wrong — even if it does inconvenience you.
Not being open and honest about your feelings can result in lasting consequences later on. It can even encourage others to demand unreasonable things since you never asserted your boundaries.
Findings from Current Opinion in Psychiatry suggested that not being honest about your feelings can lead to incidents of depression, personality disorders, somatoform disorders, and other psychopathological symptoms.
Be open and upfront about how you feel. This will not only prevent future misunderstandings but also reaffirm your boundaries.
2.‘It’s no big deal’
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It might not seem like a big deal, but saying, ‘It’s no big deal,’ can have devasting consequences on your mental health. When someone comes up to you and says something rude or does something inconsiderate, it's easy to brush it off by saying, 'It's not a big deal,' so you can move on without conflict. However, doing so can do more harm than good.
You may already know that hiding your feelings can have significant consequences on your mental health. However, according to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that refusing to express yourself leads to poorer social support, closeness, and social satisfaction.
This is why it’s essential to remove this phrase from your vocabulary. Not only will it help you avoid sounding like a people pleaser, but it’ll ensure that your relationships remain intact and that your feelings are heard.
3.‘If you don’t mind’
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Another phrase to remove from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like a people-pleaser is, 'If you don't mind.' In the moment, you may just be trying to be extra kind — not wanting to overwhelm the other person or come off as too demanding. It gives the illusion of choice, but if you genuinely need something done, it's best to come out and say it.
Asking them if they mind opens the floor for them to refuse your request, more so than if you were simply direct in letting them know what you need. There's no harm in being assertive—being direct can prevent misunderstandings and get the job done faster.
According to a study published in PNAS, misunderstandings impact communication, often causing confusion and disagreement, which ultimately causes more conflict than necessary. So, to avoid all the drama, be clear-cut about your needs. It'll save both of you the headache.
4.‘I’m probably wrong but…’
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Unfortunately, saying the common phrase, 'I'm probably wrong, but' undermines your intelligence and makes you sound like a complete people-pleaser. Though it may seem minor, saying this phrase makes you look unconfident and unreliable.
According to one Institute for Research on Labor and Employment study, overconfident people are viewed as more competent than those who accurately rate their confidence. In the Journal of Experimental Psychiatry, researchers found that people who know they're right become increasingly confident, making them more persuasive.
This is why it's crucial to be self-assured in your answer. Even if you are wrong, people will still respect you more and see you as competent and intelligent.
5.‘I’ll just do it myself’
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Delegating tasks to others is not easy, and it can feel like a better solution initially to just avoid the conflict altogether and do something yourself. But do this often enough and people will start taking advantage of you, allowing you to take on more than you can handle.
It's easy to get frustrated and take the reins, but instead, try to be straightforward, honest and helpful by letting them know how it needs to be done and taking the time to make sure it's done right. Putting in the extra effort also helps avoid misunderstandings and allows both parties to be on the same page.
So, the next time your partner, friend, or coworker isn't helpful, don't suppress your emotions and take it on yourself — instead, embrace the uncomfortable. Your future self will thank you.
6.‘Whatever you want’
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Another phrase to remove from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like a people-pleaser is, 'Whatever you want.' You might say this phrase to avoid confrontation. After all, you want to make those around you happy, right?
Unfortunately, saying, 'Whatever you want,' has the opposite impact. Not only does it pressure the other person to make a decision that will please both sides, but it also totally disregards your own feelings, wants, and needs.
Professor of Psychology Deacon Joseph Ferrari, Ph.D., claimed that indecisiveness leads to increased anxiety, worry, regret, rumination, and shame. He continued that those who are indecisive go to great lengths to ensure that they don't put their decision-making skills to the test.
Because of this, when the outcome is less than desirable, they can blame others for their 'bad situation.' This, in turn, self-handicaps you and makes it more difficult for you to grow as a person.
7.‘I don’t want to upset anyone’
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In life, you're bound to ruffle some feathers, and one day — even if you try not to — you're going to upset someone. It's unavoidable, but believe it or not, being honest about your feelings will help you avoid confrontation more than skirting around the issues will.
There will come a time when you need to establish boundaries and be clear in your desires. Unfortunately, certified people-pleasers struggle with this. They don't want to 'upset anyone,' so they compromise their boundaries in exchange for other people's comfort.
Not having clear-cut boundaries inevitably leads to burnout. For instance, a study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that poor work-life boundaries lead to burnout and exhaustion, which is detrimental to your health and well-being. A survey from World Psychiatry found that exhaustion causes difficulty concentrating, irritability, emotional instability, and sleep difficulties.
So don't cause more problems for yourself down the line. Instead, be confident and assertive with your feelings and learn to work through conflict before it gets out of hand.
8.‘Don’t worry about me’
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It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to let people worry about you sometimes. Everyone needs a little help occasionally, but people around you won't know anything is wrong if you don't tell them or brush them off with, "Oh, don't worry about me."
In Emotional Expression and HealthAdvances in Theory, Assessment, and Clinical Applications, researchers found a link between stress and emotional suppression. They observed people's sympathetic nervous system activity while watching films and found that it increases when people suppress their emotions.
This is concerning, as emotional stress has been found to lead to coronary heart disease, accidental injuries, respiratory disorders, cirrhosis of the liver, and self-harm, cited the Malaysian Journal Of Medical Sciences.
So, the next time you feel down, be open about your struggle. It has a more significant impact on your health than you think.
9.'I’m sorry to bother you’
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Another phrase to remove from your vocabulary to avoid sounding like a people-pleaser is, 'I'm sorry to bother you.'
Firstly, it should go without saying that overly apologizing is a tad frustrating. It doesn't just give people pleasing vibes; it can also come off as insincere.
A study from Harvard Business Review found that overapologizing makes people appear weaker and less competent. Additionally, it makes the other person appear more blameworthy.
This isn't great if what you're apologizing for wasn't indeed your fault. So, if you want to avoid these consequences, it's best only to apologize once if you make a mistake. Otherwise, your simple mishap can quickly become a wrong first impression that might be hard to reverse.
10.‘I’m sorry if I’m being difficult’
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To be clear, wanting the bare minimum doesn't make you difficult, and wanting respect shouldn't be hard to give. Instead, these are the things people should be willing to do without a fuss.
Unfortunately, you were likely taught that your needs and desires should take a backseat to make others comfortable. Because of this, you say, 'I'm sorry if I'm being difficult' to avoid seeming problematic.
Yet, never expressing your desires doesn't just make you a people-pleaser. It can also make you feel unimportant, which can impact your relationships with yourself and others.
To avoid this, open up and tell others what you want. Don't apologize for 'being difficult' and keep your statements straight to the point. Though challenging, being transparent with your expectations allows others to meet your needs without all the added junk and misunderstandings getting in the way.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who writes about self-help, relationships, careers, family, and astrology.