6 Signs Someone Grew Up In A Family That Bonded Over Negativity & It’s Affecting Them Now
If your family leaned into negativity when you were growing up, you're more likely to act the same way as an adult.
Dave Goudreau | Unsplash If you’ve ever felt like your family leaned more towards negativity when you were growing up, it’s possible that what you experienced is what’s known as chromogenitis. Clinical psychologist Dr. Angelica Shiels explained this phenomenon in a TikTok, saying, “This is when you have a very long line of nobody being vulnerable, including and especially the type of vulnerability that comes with being positive.”
In a separate TikTok, Dr. Shiels explained that it is possible for this type of attitude to occur without one’s family creating that environment. However, it is perhaps more common to pick up on this type of behavior when it runs in families. There are several signs you can look for to tell you if someone grew up in this type of environment.
Here are six signs someone grew up in a family that bonded over negativity, and it’s affecting them now:
1. They don’t get excited or have hope
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One of the main signs that someone grew up in a chromogenitis family is that they’re very negative. They generally do not get excited or display high amounts of hope. As examples, Dr. Shiels shared that people with this behavior will have pessimistic outlooks when it comes to new jobs they apply to or even simply be predisposed to have a negative opinion of a new movie.
While some may think that hope is unnecessary or unimportant, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Allison Johanson, LCSW, shared that while many people think hope is an emotion, science says that it is actually a way of thinking. “While challenges in life are inevitable, hope provides a boost of motivation and faith that positive change is coming and every problem has a solution,” she said. She also pointed out that hope is effective in warding off stress and feelings of being stuck.
2. They think positivity is too vulnerable
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Many people who grew up in a chromogenitis family will find it difficult to be positive because that feels too vulnerable. But this, Dr. Shiels said, can prevent the healthy development of relationships. “Then you don’t end up having real relationships because you are suppressing the life inside of you, and you’re gonna be ostracized,” she described.
Most people would probably agree that positivity is a good thing. However, it can easily be taken too far and become toxic. Those who already struggle with feelings of negativity will be particularly susceptible to this.
According to Melody Wilding, LMSW, “Unreasonably optimistic thinking can trigger a self-defeating spiral, particularly for those prone to anxiety and depression. Research shows that while repeating positive self-statements may benefit people with high self-regard, it can backfire for those lacking confidence.” This makes positivity even harder to come by for people who are naturally negative.
3. They bond through anxiety and stress
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Dr. Shiels shared that, in many situations, chromogenitis occurs as a result of immense stress. “I’m picturing, like, World War I, where you got two people who are trying to survive,” she said. The problem is, instead of that ending with those two people, it continues throughout their family for generations, creating a pattern of anxiety and stress. “It’s just kind of part of the personality,” she said.
For the average person, this kind of relationship doesn’t work very well. As Will Meek, PhD, said, “When you are experiencing feelings of anxiety, you may respond by being either too dependent or too avoidant. Both responses can take a toll on how you interact and communicate with others.” But for people who have experienced chromogenitis, this is actually preferred. Relationships must have a mix of anxiety and stress in them for them to work.
4. They seek out relationships with the same characteristics
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People who grew up in a family plagued by chromogenitis will find that they attempt to create new relationships that have those same characteristics. “It’s part of the way you bond and you’re a part of the group,” Dr. Shiels said. Because these people find things like anxiety and stress to be a chance for bonding, they will lean into that side of their relationships and seek to continue the pattern of bonding over negativity.
There’s nothing quite like bonding over negativity. A study by researchers at the University of Oklahoma and University of Texas at Austin found that “sharing a negative — as compared to a positive — attitude about a third party is particularly effective in promoting closeness between people.” This doesn’t necessarily mean they have to feel negatively about another person, although it can. But it could simply be anything that they can bond over negatively. Instead of the negativity tearing people apart, it actually brings them closer together.
5. They refuse to take risks or have optimism
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Another sign that someone’s family bonded over negativity is that they don’t really put themselves out there. Instead, they refuse to have any optimism or to take risks that could lead to a better life. Unfortunately, they remain stuck where they are, never taking the steps to move forward. Dr. Shiels explained this as people who optimistically try out for the team or excitedly buy a new car being viewed as outsiders by those who grew up with so much negativity.
The associate dean for well-being at the University of Washington School of Medicine, Anne Browning, pointed out that, although it can be uncomfortable, taking risks is necessary. “We want to live in the space where we embrace challenges where we don’t know if things will work,” she said. “You get a whole lot of creativity when you stay in that stance; it’s the growth edge of approach motivation.” UW Medicine’s Emily Boynton also pointed out that failure is going to come whether you take a risk or not. So, you might as well take one and hope for the best.
6. They are hyper-focused on survival
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To explain this concept, Dr. Shiels shared Carl Young’s concept of anima versus animus. Animus energy focuses more on survival than anima does. Dr. Shiels said that many people who grew up in families that bonded over negativity are more likely to have animus energy and be hyper-focused on survival. When discussing the anima, she posed an important question: “Once you’re surviving, how are you gonna live?”
Anna Akbari, PhD, explained that most of us are living in survival mode even though we would feel much better if we tried thriving. Nevertheless, switching from one to the other is difficult. “Simply committing to thriving and leaving behind survival mode is the first and most difficult step,” she said. “Survival is too often our default; there’s comfort in its familiar discomfort. But thriving is not only circumstantial … it’s a choice.” Choosing to live beyond survival is always worth it.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
