10 Signs You Were Raised In A Troubling 'Low-Effort' Family & It's Affecting You Now
For adults with an unhappy childhood, they likely still suffer from a lack of parental involvement.
Josep Suria | Shutterstock If you grew up in a healthy home, you likely remember the love and support you had. Parents who did their best to teach and understand you tend to produce happier adults who go on to have good relationships. But on the flip side, there are specific signs you were raised in a troubling "low-effort" family and it's affecting you now years afterwards.
As a result of growing up in a cold and neglectful environment, this has likely led you down a dark path of self-isolation — or worse, completely neglecting your basic needs. You may struggle to connect with others, let alone express your emotions, and may have a complicated relationship with your family.
Here are 10 signs you were raised in a troubling 'low-effort' family and it's affecting you now
1. Your parents cared very little for your well-being
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One of the very basic signs you were raised in a troubling "low-effort" family and it's affecting you now is the lack of care your parents had for your well-being. Growing up in a toxic family environment, you likely felt ignored most of the time. You didn't feel safe to express your thoughts or emotions, and were indirectly taught that you weren't important.
You spent much of your time isolated and, whether your parents meant to or not, their blatant disregard caused you to feel as if you didn't have a voice. Now, as an adult, you tend to hide your emotions and don't reveal any feelings you have. And as a study from PLOS One found, feeling heard is important as it increases people's overall well-being, self-esteem, and relationships.
Now that you've grown up, you likely feel as if you don't matter. Feeling insignificant, you spend way too much time concerned about other people than you do about yourself. As a result, you feel drained as your self-care constantly comes second to everyone else's wants and desires.
2. Conversations were transactional and very superficial
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Children should grow up with loving parents who listen to and appreciate them. With a smile and encouraging nod, these parents aren't afraid to take time out of their day to listen and try to understand. Unfortunately, when conversations are superficial and the relationship between parents and children is transactional, it indicates you were raised in a "low-effort" family.
Your parents never asked you the deeper questions. Concerns about mental health or your interests went straight out the window, as they cared more about what you did for them, rather than what they could provide for you.
Even worse, your parents might have used you to make themselves look good. As a result, your conversations with your parents were less focused on your needs and more on their desire to look good, making the conversation seem low-effort.
Children long to feel connected to their parents, with research from the International Journal of Behavioral Development determining that the parent-child relationship is essential and leads to children becoming more pro-social and kinder.
If you didn't have this type of relationship, you likely struggle to have deep conversations that go way beyond surface-level. You have trouble forming lasting, strong relationships with people you meet. However, this isn't your fault. As it stands, you were taught from a young age that "bonding" often meant discussing what others could do for you.
3. Your parents rarely checked in on you
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If your parents left you to your own devices and you essentially raised yourself, it's one of the signs you were raised in a troubling "low-effort" family and it's affecting you now. Truly loving parents who care about their children will check up on them every day. Asking questions about their day at school or if they ate, these parents want to ensure their children are receiving the care they deserve.
But parents who don't care about their children will never ask them how they're feeling, what they did at school, or even the emotions they have inside. With the old school mentality of providing food and shelter, and that being enough, some parents believe that is all children need to be happy.
Unfortunately, a parent's ability to connect with their child is often the difference between growing up to be highly successful and happy, or at risk for falling behind academically.
As a study from Frontiers in Education determined, "parent–child relationship was directly related to learning engagement, which is consistent with prior studies... One possible reason is that good parent–child interaction makes adolescents feel warm and loved, and promotes their mental health, which is beneficial to adolescents' devotion to learning... the parent–child relationship is an influential factor of learning engagement."
4. Your parents never worked through problems
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Are you an avoidant adult who can't talk about your feelings without completely tearing yourself or another person down? If so, you were likely raised in a troubling "low-effort" family that never worked through their problems. Understandably, not everyone wants to discuss how they're feeling, as being emotional vulnerability is uncomfortable, and taking accountability is even more so.
According to licensed counselor Jamie Cannon, "No one takes accountability anymore because to do so has somehow become an indication of weakness, a trait avoided at all costs to survive the hectic environment we live in." Still, parents who took accountability and actively worked through problems raised healthier kids who now have emotional intelligence as adults.
On the flip side, if you were raised in a low-effort environment, you may find it difficult to find emotional stability. Never having worked through your own problems, you keep everything bottled up inside until you inevitably explode.
5. You never received emotional support
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Parents who show emotional support towards their children do so to create a healthy home environment. High-effort parents will hug, comfort, or advise their children whenever they need it, never judging them or trying to shirk the responsibilities of parenthood. But one of the signs you were raised in a troubling "low-effort" family and it's affecting you now is never receiving emotional support growing up.
Everyone wants to feel supported. Whether it's in romantic relationships or friendships, having this support is essential for mental well-being.
According to a study from Nature Mental Health, having strong social support groups often leads to better mental health outcomes and decrease in depression. The study concluded, "Individuals more vulnerable to depression... may particularly benefit from enhanced social support during a major stressor, supporting a precision prevention approach."
If you were raised in a home where your parents didn't offer moral support for any reason at all, as an adult you likely have issues with being dependent on others. You keep your feelings inside and take care of yourself, as you refuse to rely on anyone to give you emotional support.
6. Your parents offered you zero guidance
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Along with being overbearing, parents who don't offer their kids guidance can create adults who are overly self-reliant and independent. While research from the Journal of Family Psychology found that parents who step in to help their kids end up causing children to have difficulty controlling their impulses, never offering a helping hand is just as bad.
As a child, you need the safety that comes along with having a protective figure by your side. But when parents fail to live up to this, they make their kids look for support in the wrong places.
Now, as an adult, you're hyperindependent and stuck in your own way of thinking. So used to relying on yourself, you don't have another person there to offer a different perspective, making you a bit close-minded to the opinions of others.
Even so, it doesn't have to stay this way. If you're willing to open up your mind and heart, you might find your relationships vastly improve as you're finally able to learn and grow as a person.
7. You were never punished or disciplined
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Most children dream of being able to do what they want with zero consequences. Whether that means staying up late or eating junk food, the idea of living how you want to seems pretty appealing. But when parents don't punish or discipline their children, they end up creating adults that don't abide by any rules whatsoever.
Punishing a child doesn't mean being physically harmful; rather, it means setting boundaries and providing consequences when a child doesn't follow the rules. This creates some sort of structure in a child's life, which is what they need to grow. And according to researchers from Oklahoma State University, "Using natural and logical consequences can be very effective in helping children learn how to make good choices and take ownership of their decisions."
So, what happens if your parents never punished or disciplined you? Besides never learning from the consequences of your own actions, as an adult, you might find it harder to function. Being an adult comes with responsibilities, but accepting them and using them to grow is likely something you still struggle with.
8. Your parents didn't uplift you
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Every child needs and deserves to be loved and supported. Whether that means boosting their confidence by complimenting their abilities and hard work, or praising their shining personality, uplifting a child creates confident adults. That said, one of the signs you were raised in a troubling "low-effort" family and it's affecting you now is having parents who never uplifted you.
Parents who don't encourage their kids do so in the hopes of making them stronger. In their head, these parents might assume that tough love is the best way to raise resilient children and that, in order for them to survive in this world, they must be cold.
Unfortunately, all that truly accomplished is raising a people-pleasing adult who never fully feels good enough with who they are, causing them to seek external validation elsewhere. This steers them towards unhealthy relationship dynamics as a result.
According to relationship specialist and coach Annie Tanasugarn PhD, relationship dynamics tend to mirror what you were taught by your primary caregiver. So, if your parents didn't encourage or uplift you, there's a good chance you act just like them in your relationships.
9. Your household lacked empathy and compassion
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Compassion and empathy are the basics of what parents should show their children. When they notice you struggling or going through a drastic life change, a high-effort family will do what they can to show up with compassion. But growing up in a "low-effort" family likely meant never being shown kindness.
You were often left to fend for yourself, as approaching your parents with personal issues resulted in you being torn to shreds and being made to feel unworthy of their attention. It might feel insignificant to you now as an adult with your own life and growing relationships, but you likely struggle to express yourself to others. Additionally, you have difficulty showing compassion and kindness to others, as it was truly lacking in your own childhood.
Caught up in your own fear of being ignored, you choose to actively ignore your own problems and deal with them by yourself. You don't ask for help and feel utterly alone, likely leading you to self-isolate.
10. You were constantly alone
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Maybe your parents worked long hours and you were a latchkey kid. But even on weekends, your parents never made the effort to be with you and spend time together. Instead, you were frequently alone and by yourself.
Kids who grew up in a healthy family likely had parents who did their utmost to ensure their children were cherished and loved. Maybe they spent Sunday mornings at the park or did movie nights during the week. No matter what, these families made the effort to spend time with one another.
But for someone who grew up in a low-effort family, their parents never cared if they were alone. So consumed in their own needs, they completely neglect their children's needs, resulting in them isolating.
Though it may not have felt like a huge deal at the time, isolation negatively impacts mental health and can create issues into adulthood. As a result of being constantly alone growing up, as an adult you don't trust others, are incredibly independent, have low self-esteem, and have difficulty forming relationships with others.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.