7 Signs You Grew Up In A Guess Family And It’s Affecting You Now
Did you grow up in a "guess family" or an "ask family"?
fizkes | Shutterstock Were you raised in a "guess family" or an "ask family"? If it was the latter, you're likely willing to openly ask for what you want — even if it seems unreasonable or might result in rejection.
In guess families, however, direct requests are practically unheard of, and communication often feels like a game of emotional charades. This dynamic can lead to communication challenges in adulthood, but don't worry — there are ways to change this pattern.
Here are 10 signs you grew up in a 'guess family' and it's affecting you now:
1. You’re a passive-aggressive master.
The hosts of the Australian podcast "Mamamia Out Loud" discussed these two family dynamics in a recent episode. They explained that if you were raised in a guess family you likely have passive aggression down to an art, and often say one thing while meaning something completely different. Asking for help directly wasn't the norm in your household, so you drop hints instead, hoping someone will pick up on what you want.
For example, imagine you are moving to a new house. You might say something to a friend like "Wow, I have so much to do this weekend," hoping that they pick up on the fact that you need help, but not wanting to ask outright. Unfortunately, people can't read your mind. You may end up frustrated when no one steps in, even though you never actually made a clear request.
2. You struggle to say 'no.'
When you request something from someone directly, "you put them in the difficult position of potentially having to say no," Jessie Stephens, host of the "Mammamia Out Loud" podcast, said in a TikTok on the subject.
In guess families, direct requests are rarely made, so you never learned to say no without guilt. Fast forward to adulthood, and you’re likely stuck in a pattern where you can’t refuse requests, even when you really should. Saying no feels like an emotional landmine, and you may find yourself overwhelmed or resentful because you can’t advocate for yourself.
3. You end up feeling like a doormat.
If you were raised in a guess family, it was probably easier to ignore your own needs than to ask for something and risk making others uncomfortable. Over time, this can lead to a pattern where you constantly put others ahead of yourself — saying yes when you should say no and failing to advocate for your own needs. As a result, you might find yourself feeling like a human doormat.
4. You fear direct rejection.
The idea of someone flat-out saying no to a request can send you into a tailspin as it feels like a direct affront. "The only time I would ever ask something of someone is if I was absolutely certain the answer was gonna be yes," Stephens, who grew up in a guess family, admitted.
But the truth is that rejection isn’t personal, it’s just a part of life — a fact that those who grow up in ask families understand. "My partner comes from an ask family," Stephens added, "and in ask families, you just say what you want or what you need and it's on the other person to say yes or no. There's no pressure. He accepts the no. There's nothing emotional in it."
5. You don’t know how to ask for help.
Everyone needs help and support from time to time, even if you don't want to admit it. While asking for help can sometimes feel uncomfortable, especially if you grew up in a guess family, it is a necessary part of life. You can't just hope that someone will magically know what you need. You will end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed if you can never bring yourself to ask for help when you need it.
6. You overanalyze every request.
When you finally decide to ask for something, it’s never as simple as just asking. Instead, you analyze every possible outcome — “Will they say yes? What if they think I’m annoying? What if I’m asking for too much?” This is a direct result of growing up in a guess family.
You were never taught how to make a simple request and deal with a direct answer. Now, as an adult, you find yourself stuck in a loop of second-guessing every ask, which can lead to frustration and indecision.
7. You feel misunderstood.
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If you grew up in a guess family, you may often feel misunderstood — and how could you not? You don’t tell anyone what you’re truly thinking or feeling. You might find yourself frustrated when people don’t “get it” or feel like no one is listening, but the reality is, you never made your needs or feelings explicit. Being vague or indirect can make it hard for others to know how to respond or help.
Breaking out of the guess family cycle isn’t easy, but it’s definitely possible. Start small by practicing direct communication and asking for what you want. While it will likely feel uncomfortable at first, it will get easier over time. So, take a deep breath and just ask — it’s the most effective (and least exhausting) way to get what you need.
Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor's degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.