5 Sneaky Lies Your Brain Tells You When You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Family
Did your family lie like it was their job?
Joyce Huis | Unsplash Your brain might be tricking you with some sneaky lies if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. These aren’t truths — they’re distorted messages shaped by past experiences that can leave you feeling unlovable, inadequate, or simply not enough.
When looking at dysfunctional or toxic families, we expose five common falsehoods your mind convinces you of, from believing you're unattractive or unintelligent to feeling like everyone else is better. Recognizing these myths is the first step to breaking free from toxic shame and moving toward a healthier, happier life.
Let’s explore together and uncover these misunderstandings, so you can embrace your true worth and begin to see the clarity that awaits you.
Here are 5 sneaky lies your brain tells you when you grew up in a dysfunctional family:
1. 'I’m too unattractive for anyone to love me'
This is a whopping lie. It derives from having one of your parents treat the other like garbage, OR one parent’s lousy body image, OR from your days of peer rejection as a child, or media garbage.
In the most rational scenario, perhaps your own actual partner is not attracted to you. EVEN THIS IS NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO UNATTRACTIVE FOR ANYONE TO LOVE YOU.
Your partner has their own brain, background and experiences, so if they decide they aren’t attracted to you anymore, this sucks. Still, I swear to you that other people could be attracted to you, and in the days of internet dating, every pot has a cover, and most pots have hundreds of potential covers in a 50-mile radius.
2. 'I’m a bad parent'
Arsenii Palivoda / Shutterstock
Probably nobody who actively reads a blog called “Dr Psych Mom” is a bad parent, and even if you landed here by googling “lying brain” (it could happen), if you do not sadistically, purposefully, and intentionally abuse or neglect your child, you are not a bad parent. In the case that you were messed up emotionally or on drugs and you did do terrible things and you’re deeply sorry, then you are also not a bad parent.
A bad person, by my definition, is a sociopath who intends to harm others, and even then, this definition is shorthand and not true because there had to be some awful childhood that created such an individual. TL;DR: “bad parent” = LIE LIE LIE.
3. 'I’m stupid'
Who told you this? Your mom, your dad, your sibling, or a teacher? If none of the above, I will pay you a million dollars.
If you had a different upbringing than your own, one where you were not told that you were dumb, your same life history would be seen by you as indicative of your intelligence, savvy, creativity, and so forth. Because of whatever experiences you had, though, you see everything through the lens of being stupid, inferior, or inadequate. Lying brain strikes again.
4. 'Nobody likes me'
Listen, everyone is on a different place on the likability spectrum, I’m certainly no 99th percentiler myself tbh, but if you believe that NOBODY likes you, that is for one of two reasons: (a) you don’t try hard enough to make friends because you think nobody will ever like you. After all, your brain is lying to you because your family or early peer experiences made you believe this, or (b) there is no (b).
Because of low self-esteem derived from a difficult early life, your brain is shackling you with the misapprehension that in the age of the internet and meetup.com and volunteering at animal shelters and going to church and whatever else, you are the lone human who can make zero connections. What a load of garbage, and it is exciting to introspect about why you let your brain tell you this COMPLETE FABRICATED LIE.
5. 'Everyone else is better than me'
fizkes / Shutterstock
Or the variation: My partner is better than me.
Why? Because you were the non-preferred or “worse” (worse grades, usually) sibling, OR you saw one parent act like the other was better than they were. These are the only two reasons.
If you find another reason that isn’t one of these, email me, and I will add your reason to the list. Reasons cannot include " because it’s just a fact, also look how ugly I am, and nobody likes me.” That email comes directly from your lying brain and will be caught by my lying brain spam filter.
While I tried to make this post funny, depression, low self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy are about as unfunny as it gets. If you recognize yourself and your own lying brain in any of these statements, you are likely either actively depressed or have a lot of sadness and grief from childhood pain that has not been worked through (or both).
Nobody deserves to live life trapped inside a lying, hostile, nasty brain that tells you how terrible you are all the time. Please reach out for help to a therapist even (especially!) if you think you are the one person for whom this post does not apply because you are as bad as you think you are and you have a body of evidence to prove it.
If you or somebody you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there is a way to get help. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text "HELLO" to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.