6 Signs Of Major Family Dysfunction That May At First Seem Normal, According To Experts
'Normal' is a challenge because one person's normal can be another person's unacceptable.
Antoni Shkraba | Pexels Nature loves variety and families come in so many different arrangements. All have unique aspects of interaction, communication, and support. However, just as nature can manifest beauty and awe as much as struggle and suffering, so can the micro-culture of a family. Growing up, your family micro-culture is your normal, but your family's normal might not have been the common practice.
Here are 6 signs of major family dysfunction that may at first seem normal, according to experts:
1. Issues are never resolved
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Conflict itself is not a sign of dysfunction, as explained by The Gottman Institute. However, if the conflict is left unresolved and repair work is not done to mend the conflict, it can result in lasting damage to families.
People learn to either avoid conflict (and never deal with it) or learn they must always win the conflict and live with the fear of losing. Neither "all or nothing" ways of addressing conflict are helpful. Yet this is very common and seems very normal.
— Jennifer Hargrave, Owner & Managing Attorney, Hargrave Family Law
2. The degree of control is abnormal
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An analysis of family relationships in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows how some degree of control is normal, like setting curfews, asking them to dress appropriately, setting rules about phone use, snacks or meal times, and so on. But in dysfunctional families, the parents go far beyond the norm.
They may try to control every aspect of their kids' lives, limiting socialization with peers, setting unreasonable rules, and never allowing their kids to have a voice in the home. Their kids will struggle to become independent adults. They may have a range of issues in adulthood, from poor attachment styles to profound self-doubt and problems with authority.
— Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Therapist
3. You're not sure what 'normal' family behavior looks like
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There is a book written for Adult Children of Alcoholics (and it will resonate with adult children of any type of dysfunctional family) called Adult Child’s Guide To What’s Normal. This goes through many specific questions kids who were raised in dysfunctional families have no idea about, like how to say no to plans, or what time is considered too late for a visit.
When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you have no idea what other people do and if other people’s families resemble the families you see on TV or not (answer: they kind of do, sadly for those who were raised in far, far different scenarios)
— Samantha Rodman Whiten, Clinical Psychologist
4. There is too much or not enough conflict
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If you are always bickering and arguing without any listening or resolution, you may have come from a family where people were very reactive and ineffective in soothing themselves. The tenseness of your environment growing up has conditioned you to always be ready and willing to argue.
If you never have conflict and things are always agreeable, you may have come from a family where emotions were "swept under the carpet" and not dealt with, as explained by research in Psychology Journal. Both "high conflict" and "too low conflict" intimate relationships can be unsatisfying and emotionally draining.
— Todd Creager, Counselor, Therapist
5. You're nervous about people meeting your family
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If you are a family outcast, you often don’t want others to know how low on the pecking order you are with your family. At times, it’s because you’re worried about the shame. Other times, it’s because your family may tend to sabotage relationships with other people.
A lot of Family Outcasts find themselves humiliated or even lied about by family members. This can quickly destroy relationships they’ve had with others.
After one too many relationships tanking post-meetup, Outcasts tend to learn to avoid introducing others to their family members, as explained by a study on family estrangement in the Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science. This is one of the most common reasons you don’t see family members at a wedding.
— Ossiana Tepfenhart, Author
6. Red flags feel like home
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These are some sentiments I hear time and again from clients and divorce support group participants:
- "Why didn't I see it? I feel so stupid."
- "My romantic relationships never last. I do everything to make them happy, and they leave me anyway."
- "I want love like everyone else, but why is it so difficult and painful for me?"
Then I read a phrase that felt resonant; one sometimes shared as a quote. It is simple but quite poignant:
- "Red flags don't look like red flags when they feel like home."
Sometimes, what is familiar is extremely unhealthy. Because it's familiar, it may not look like a red flag at all. Some relationship red flags seem 'normal' to us.
As individuals share their stories of what led to the ending of their intimate relationship, I guide them back to what began it. In reflection, they gain clarity about themselves, their partners, and their circumstances.
Often, what is revealed has to do with unhealed emotional childhood trauma that has kept them in similar relationships to those they experienced at home, as suggested by research in the Annals of General Psychiatry. And those relationships were abusive in some way, with unhealthy dynamics and hurtful behavior, whether subtle or robust.
— Ann Papayoti, Life Coach
Normal is a challenge because one person's normal can be another person's unacceptable. Yet, when we pull ourselves out of the micro-culture of the family we grew up with, we can begin to see how some of the behaviors we accepted then, are causing unrecognized problems in our current. life.
By recognizing how unhealthy communication and behaviors can seem normal when they were the relationship rules you learned, you can accomplish unlearning the unhealthy dynamics more easily.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.