7 Signs Someone Grew Up In A Low-Effort Family And It’s Affecting Them Now, According To A Psychologist
A calm, conflict-free family can be every bit as damaging as a volatile one.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Usually when we think of a "dysfunctional family" or a difficult upbringing, we picture drama and aggression — fighting or yelling, slamming doors or name-calling, the kind of volatility that causes obvious trauma. Yet one therapist claimed that families that operate in the opposite way can be just as damaging.
Dr. Sherrie Campbell, a psychologist who focuses on helping clients recover from toxic family abuse, said what she calls the "low-effort family dynamic" can be especially deceptive. "It often seems far more harmless than a high-conflict family, but it's way more damaging than most people realize," she said in a recent TikTok.
So what does this sort of family look like? "Low-effort families show minimal emotional investment," Campbell explained. "Family members show almost zero interest in each other's well-being, their problems, or their successes."
The psychologist shared seven signs someone grew up in a low-effort family:
1. They stick to small talk
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In low-effort families, "conversations are transactional and very superficial," Campbell explained, adding that people in these families "do all they can to avoid anything deep or meaningful," especially when it comes to emotions or working through problems.
The power dynamics are off too — Campbell said the "power holders" in these families typically take no initiative to check in with other family members or show concern. "The relationship just feels like it's adrift," she said. It all adds up to emotional neglect, and Campbell says it can be very damaging.
2. They feel invisible.
In low-effort families, people tend to feel "unimportant," which leads to self-esteem issues and anxiety. It also results in people "living in survival mode," often for years at a time, because they lack the proper emotional care from their loved ones.
"You miss out on the supportive system of a healthy family that you should have had, making it very difficult to cope with life's challenges," Campbell explained.
3. Problems get swept under the rug.
This is, of course, the obvious outcome of a family dynamic like this, and it ends up making all problems even worse. "[They] fester instead of being addressed and resolved. It just festers and becomes really like a pit in your stomach all the time," Campbell explained.
Over the long-term, it hinders your personal development and ability to form healthy relationships. "Both require honest conversations and mutual effort," she said, and that of course is not happening in this kind of family.
4. They develop resentment and a lack of empathy.
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"A lack of your needs being met and emotional support being non–existent — it really does breed a ton of resentment," Campbell said. Over the longer term, that resentment can begin to eat away at a person's capacity for empathy.
"Families that avoid… any real engagement, any connection, can make family members very indifferent to each other's pain," she continued, "because there's no way to connect on it."
5. There's minimal care, but tons of chaos.
Some low-effort families are also high-conflict, which tend to be chaotic, draining people of their energy. "You cannot win for losing in these family dynamics," she said, "and you end up feeling very powerless." It creates a dichotomy: "Emotional investment [is] very minimal, yet every interaction seems to spark defensiveness and conflict," she explained.
6. They feel like they're walking on eggshells.
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Because conflicts are usually left to fester in these families, when they actually rise to the surface, they tend to explode, often over something trivial. This puts people in "a chronic state of stress anxiety" that "wears you the bone," Campbell said, and keeps you on high alert, waiting for the next outsized reaction or eruption of some years-long bone of contention.
7. The cycle of silence and conflict becomes a way of life.
For many of these families, unproductive conflict becomes a constant, because the family is trapped in this cycle of burying and avoiding everything, then erupting down the road. The family has avoided any real connection with each other, so there's little ability to manage conflict in a healthy way, leading to a feeling of "being off-balance all the time."
There are ways to break the low-effort family cycle.
Campbell laid out three steps for addressing the impacts of coming from a low-effort family. First, acknowledge that it is a form of neglect, and thereby, a form of abuse.
Next, cultivate deeper relationships with people outside your family so that you get your emotional needs met. Campbell said this can be as small and simple as asking your friends or partner small, meaningful questions about how their day was. It will help you get what you need, and also help you develop your relational skills.
Finally: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Campbell said to decide what you will and will not tolerate with your toxic family, even if holding to your boundaries would disrupt the family dynamic. If boundaries don't do the trick, it might be time for last resorts. As Campbell put it, "if verbal boundaries aren't gonna work, shut your mouth and use your feet. Walk away, no explanation necessary."
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.