7 Phrases That Never Come Out Of The Mouths Of Socially Aware People
Avoid saying these phrases to anyone, unless you want to appear socially clueless.
Kaboompics.com | Canva You probably interact with people every day — whether it's the barista at Starbucks, your Pilates classmate, or the FedEx driver. "More than 40% of the general public is shy," says Bernardo J. Carducci, PhD, a professor of psychology and director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast in Bloomington.
"But you may mistake shyness for something else entirely." Since shyness or social awkwardness isn't obvious, you need to be especially careful that you don't say something unhelpful — the most socially aware people would never utter specific phrases that would make someone feel bad or uncomfortable.
Here are phrases that never come out of the mouths of socially aware people:
1. 'You’re so quiet'
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Shy people have a lot to say once you get to know them, but you'll probably never find out if you call them out for not jumping into the conversation right away. "I still vividly remember being called out for not talking while doing my best to socialize with a group of people 25 years ago," says Amy Beal of Pennsylvania. "I was horrified—and spoke even less."
"More people need to realize that speaking to those who you don't know doesn't come easy to everyone," says Sara Alberts of Toronto.
"You only get one shot at making a first impression. A shy person is like a book that takes a couple of chapters to get good. It may just end up being your favorite."
2. 'You’re not very friendly'
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"Shy people want to be social and talk to you, but they just don't know how," says Carducci. "That's the real pain of shyness — it holds you back from what you want."
If someone comes off as unfriendly or stuck up in a group situation, try talking to that person alone, suggests Rhonda Waterhouse of North Carolina. "It's so hurtful when people tell me I'm not friendly because it's untrue," she says. "I just do better talking to people one-on-one or in small groups."
Telling a shy person they are not very friendly can be detrimental because it reinforces their negative self-perception, exacerbates their anxiety in social situations, and can hinder their efforts to overcome their shyness.
Research published by Personality and Social Psychology Review explained that shyness often stems from a fear of judgment and social disapproval, making such comments feel like confirmation of their worst fears. Instead, a more supportive approach is recommended to help them feel comfortable and gradually engage socially.
3. 'Do you understand what I'm saying?'
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Shy people don't have trouble with comprehension skills. "What I have found the most difficult is the assumption on some people's part that a shy person isn't intelligent or savvy. We know when we're being judged in this regard," says Susan DeRose of Maine.
Shy people have plenty that they want to say, but they're usually apprehensive about chiming in, especially in a large group. "I may completely disagree and not want to argue, or I prefer that the person talks with someone else," says DeRose.
"It's comparable to when one is in a serious mood and another person commands her to, 'Smile.' Please don't order me to talk or display false emotions."
4. 'Look me in the eye'
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Shy people may struggle to make eye contact. "I'm well aware that I'm not the best at this, but it puts me on the spot and makes me overthink once someone points it out," says Angelic Venegas of Illinois.
If you truly need to know why someone isn't making eye contact with you, then when it’s just the two of you, ask something like, "I notice you have a hard time with eye contact, why is that?" Says Venegas: "I would feel safer explaining my shyness if they make it more of a conversation rather than pointing out a flaw they see in me."
Telling shy people to look you in the eye can be detrimental because it can exacerbate their anxiety, making them feel overly scrutinized and potentially triggering a fear response. Direct eye contact can be perceived as a social threat, especially for individuals who struggle with social situations due to shyness or social anxiety.
A 2022 study recommended acknowledging that they might feel uncomfortable with eye contact and letting them know it's okay to look away occasionally.
5. 'Just go up and talk to them'
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You may think giving a shy friend a gentle nudge to strike up a conversation at a party is helpful, but more often than not, it'll backfire. "You're asking people to do something that they're not prepared to do or say," says Carducci. "They get frustrated and leave with a sense of failure."
What would be useful, if your friend is up for it: Making a longish introduction that weaves in something both people have in common. For instance, you might say, "I wanted to introduce you to Anne, who has a garden similar to yours. I think you both had a bumper crop of tomatoes last year."
6. 'Why don’t you talk louder?'
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This statement makes a shy person feel self-conscious. "I have never thought of myself as someone who speaks quietly," says Nancy Velasquez of New York.
"In my head, my voice sounds like it's normal volume." So don't call someone out about it unless you truly can't hear—in which case, you might say, "It's awfully noisy in here, can you speak a little louder because I really want to hear your story?"
Asking this is problematic because it can exacerbate their anxiety, reinforce negative self-perception, and put them on the spot in a social situation. A study published by the University of Exeter explained that this can make them feel even more uncomfortable and less likely to speak up in the future.
It can further isolate them and highlight their perceived flaw rather than encouraging open communication. If you notice someone is quiet, try to understand their perspective by asking open-ended questions about their comfort level in the conversation or if they have anything to add.
7. 'You’ll grow out of it'
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If only. While shyness does often start in childhood, it won't simply fade away with each passing birthday. "
For the most part, you don't grow out of shyness. You typically do something to address it," says Carducci. "Overcoming shyness takes time and effort."
Karen Cicero is a writer and Contributing Editor at Good Housekeeping, and Book Editor at The Week Junior.