11 Phrases Brilliant People Never Say When They Meet Someone New
Great conversationalists handle first introductions by steering clear of these typical mistakes.
Maria Markevich | Shutterstock For many, meeting new people isn't easy. Talking to someone for the first time can bring up a lot of anxiety. Writing for PsychCentral, Nathan Feiles, MSW, LCSW-R, acknowledged that social anxiety is a very real thing that “is caused by fear of embarrassment, judgment or rejection by others. It mostly appears when the social situation involves meeting new people.”
Social anxiety can easily present itself when trying to determine what to say to new people, but it doesn’t have to. So what should you say — or not say — when meeting someone new? The brightest individuals understand the importance of choosing words carefully when meeting someone new.
Here are 11 phrases brilliant people never say when they meet someone new:
1.‘I think that … ’ — Self-talk makes you seem less confident.
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When you meet someone new, and you’re not entirely comfortable with them yet, it can feel natural to revert to what you do know. And, what do you know better than yourself? But brilliant people know that leading with "I think that…" can quickly make the conversation feel one-sided.
According to a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, we’re all very well-versed in talking about ourselves. In reality, 30 to 40% of our daily conversations involve sharing personal experiences. However, listening is far more valuable when building rapport.
Smart people understand that listening is far more important than filling the silence with comments about yourself. Sherrie Bourg Carter, Psy.D., told Psychology Today listening is “an acquired skill that requires daily practice and discipline, although well worth the time and effort because good listening helps us effectively examine, accept or challenge the information we hear, thereby improving our decision-making.”
Listening is a crucial skill that helps us make better decisions by truly understanding what others say. Instead of dominating the conversation with their own thoughts, brilliant people focus on what the other person has to share.
2.‘You have a great smile’ — Comments about appearance can cross boundaries.
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It seems nice to compliment someone, especially when you don’t know them well, and it could serve as an icebreaker. After all, people should feel a sense of gratitude after being complimented, right?
Not exactly. Compliments like this can be too personal for having just met someone. Commenting on appearance can be too invasive, so learning how to build rapport without crossing boundaries is essential.
Darlene Price, the president of Well Said Inc., told Business Insider, “Avoid commenting on a person’s appearance or belongings — even if it’s positive — when you first meet them. It’s too personal and out of place. Even after you get to know them, be careful what you say and why.”
This doesn’t mean that giving sincere compliments to those we have a close relationship with is bad — it's just generally better to avoid relying on this easy habit when meeting a stranger for the first time.
3.‘Who did you vote for?’ — Avoid talking about politics with new people.
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It may seem obvious not to mention politics when you’ve just met someone, but plenty of people still do it. Somewhat surprisingly, 54% of respondents to a Gallup poll said they discussed politics in the workplace in February 2024.
“At work, talking about politics can be a double-edged sword,” Gallup’s Katelyn Hedrick and Lydia Saad wrote. “It can break the ice, helping co-workers deepen their relationships, but it can also cause harm — particularly if workers are already disengaged on the job.”
If you think someone will agree with you, you will assume your relationship will be strengthened. But there’s a real possibility that you won’t agree — and where will that leave you? The smartest people know avoiding political topics in introductory discussions is safer.
4.‘I’m so annoyed with my partner' — It creates a negative tone and undermines trust.
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When meeting someone for the first time, you must put up some walls for protection. While this doesn’t mean you should treat that person differently, it does mean you should be cautious. You never know who what you’ve said will get back to.
Dating coach Nick Notas said, “The people you tell will slip up or gossip. Or they’ll try to fix things on your behalf. They may even try to have a ‘talk’ with your partner or treat them differently.”
Furthermore, spreading negativity is not a good look. MBA course founder Chris Haroun told Inc. that it’s best to distance yourself from negative people, whether they are part of your personal or professional life.
When meeting someone for the first time, try to keep things positive. This will help you make a better first impression.
Brilliant people know that starting any relationship with negativity is not the right way to connect with someone and that there’s no guarantee that what you say will remain private.
5.‘The weather is nice' — Relying on boring clichés makes you feel disengaged.
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Talking about the weather has become a cliche and the ultimate form of small talk. Brilliant people avoid small talk to prevent shallow conversations and create meaningful connections right from the start.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argued that many people tend to stick with more “shallow” talking points, especially when conversing with people they don’t know well. However, what people want are “deep and meaningful conversations.”
It may feel initially uncomfortable to begin a deep conversation with someone you don’t know well, but going below the surface level can pay off — something brilliant people know well.
6.‘How old are you?’ — This can feel intrusive and uncomfortable early on.
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Most people know that asking about someone’s age is inappropriate, particularly when meeting for the first time, and can cause you to come across as rude or intrusive.
HuffPost contributor Alesha Peterson pointed out that this question is more likely to come up for women than for men. “A woman’s worth and especially her desirability as dictated by society are largely dependent on her age,” she said. “Therefore, age is a sensitive topic. Therefore, it is considered rude to ask a woman’s age.”
BBC correspondent Vivian Song pointed out that revealing one's age shortly after meeting someone is not just appropriate but necessary in some cultures, like South Korea, where it affects how one addresses a person when speaking to them.
Unless it’s absolutely necessary, brilliant people know to avoid the age question entirely. It’s just not tasteful and easily offensive.
7.‘When is your due date?’ — Assuming pregnancy status is awkward and offensive.
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If there’s one subject as equally awkward to bring up in a first-time conversation as age, it’s weight. By asking someone about a pregnancy you don’t even know exists, you are automatically making assumptions and insinuations about her weight.
Rachel Gillett wrote for Business Insider that “There is no recovery” from this rude introduction. Even if the person is pregnant, that doesn’t mean it’s a happy situation for them or their family.
Melissa Willets wrote for Parents, “Unless a person volunteers information about their pregnancy status, it’s not your business — even if they look like they’re about to pop. You have no idea what they are going through.” Willets used her own story as an example, sharing that a woman once asked her if she was pregnant just days after she experienced a traumatic miscarriage.
Brilliant people understand that some topics are just too sensitive to bring up, especially when you don’t know someone.
8.‘Are you married?’ — Asking about relationship status can be presumptive and invasive.
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This seemingly innocent question asking about someone's relationship status can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and make others uncomfortable. It’s okay to be curious or wonder if they can be in a relationship with you. But asking about it requires tact and appropriate timing.
In an article featured in Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers stated, “‘Singlism’ may involve excluding single adults from social events, making assumptions that single adults have ‘deficiencies’ that keep them from entering or maintaining intimate relationships, pressuring single adults to ‘settle down’ and denying single adults tax or health benefits that are afforded to coupled adults.”
Singlism is a tangible form of discrimination that many face. By randomly asking someone if they are in a relationship, you could be seen as engaging in this kind of discrimination, especially if you react adversely to the other person’s answer.
9.‘It was nice talking to you’ — Ending too abruptly can seem insincere and one-sided.
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Sometimes, this can be innocuous and appropriate to end a conversation, but only if it is truly two-sided. On the other hand, if you ask all the questions while the other person keeps up the narrative, ending the conversation abruptly with this phrase can leave a bad taste in their mouths.
That's why it's crucial to understand how to leave a conversation on a positive note without sounding insincere or self-absorbed.
A study conducted by Harvard University and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people are more likable when they ask questions. Researchers confirmed that people find it easier to talk about themselves, so they do. Because of this, very little is learned about the other conversation participant.
Showing a lack of interest in someone else and cutting them off to end the conversation — even when doing so politely — may cause them to think you are self-centered and not interested in furthering a relationship. A brilliant person would never let a conversation end without asking ample appropriate questions about the other person and their life.
10.‘I’d rather not talk now’ — Shutting down quickly makes you appear uninterested.
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Someone brilliant would never turn someone away when seeking a conversation, particularly if they were a new acquaintance. Not only is this highly offensive, but cutting off a conversation before it begins can also harm your social reputation and relationships.
Writing for NBC BETTER, Sarah DiGiulio said, “We’re social beings. Even uncomfortable conversations are good for our well-being.” This theory was proved by a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science in which researchers directed random people off the street to have conversations with baristas while waiting for a cup of coffee.
While there may be times when having a conversation feels inappropriate, it's best to proceed whenever possible. Brilliant individuals recognize that this benefits them and the person they speak with.
11.‘Sorry to bother you’ — Unnecessarily apologizing makes you look less confident.
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Many people think starting by apologizing is the best approach, but apologizing before speaking can diminish one's confidence and hurt credibility.
Doesn’t it show you care about the other person and their time? Doesn’t it make whatever is coming next easier to say?
Public speaking expert John Zimmer argued this is not accurate. “Inexperienced speakers think that by apologizing for such things, they will ingratiate themselves with their audiences,” he said. “Such apologies usually have the opposite effect.”
Etiquette expert Barbara Pachter agreed. She asked Business Insider why you would go through with a conversation if you felt the need to begin it with an apology.
While it may seem kind to apologize for taking up someone’s time, that’s no way to build a rapport. Brilliant people understand that people who are worth talking to would never expect you to say sorry or make yourself smaller for their comfort.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.