8 Phrases That Deeply Passive-Aggressive People Are Likely To Say To You
How passive-aggressive people can subtly manipulate you through conversation.
fizkes | Canva What is passive-aggressive behavior, and how can you spot the signs of a toxic relationship filled with passive aggression? Passive aggressive behavior is "characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of confrontation."
Passive-aggressive behavior does not support healthy connections, so it's crucial to know how to recognize passive-aggressive traits — both in yourself and others. Do you notice yourself displaying these behaviors and saying these passive-aggressive phrases in conversation? Don't beat yourself up about it because it's not your fault. These behaviors have been passed down from generation to generation.
Here are the phrases that passive-aggressive people are likely to say to you:
1. 'I'm not mad'
VadosLoginov / Shutterstock
Denying feelings of anger is classic passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than being upfront and honest when questioned about their feelings, the passive-aggressive person insists, "I'm not mad," even when they are seething on the inside.
Saying, 'I'm not mad,' while exhibiting clear signs of anger, like a tense tone of voice or body language, is a classic example of passive-aggressive behavior. A 2022 study published in BMC Psychiatry found it demonstrates an indirect expression of negative feelings by denying anger while conveying resentment through nonverbal cues, effectively attempting to manipulate or control the situation without directly confronting it.
2. 'Whatever'
fizkes / Shutterstock
Pouting and withdrawing from arguments are common strategies of the passive-aggressive person. Passive aggressive behavior comes from a person's belief that expressing anger directly will only make things worse.
The passive-aggressive person uses phrases like "fine" and "whatever" to express anger indirectly instead of communicating in a direct and emotionally honest way.
It often represents an indirect way of expressing frustration or anger without directly addressing the issue, creating a subtle resistance or disapproval while appearing compliant on the surface.
Findings from a 2022 study suggest that individuals who engage in passive-aggressive behavior might hold distorted beliefs about being controlled or unfairly treated, leading them to express anger indirectly.
3. 'I'll do that later today'
fizkes / Shutterstock
Passive aggressive people are known for verbally complying with a request, but behaviorally delaying its completion or not doing it at all. Their actions speak louder than their words.
4. 'I didn't know you meant now'
Lazy_Bear / Shutterstock
Passive-aggressive people are master procrastinators. It's normal to put off unpleasant tasks but people with passive-aggressive personalities rely on procrastination as a way of frustrating others or getting out of certain commitments without having to directly refuse them.
It subtly expresses resentment or annoyance by implying a lack of understanding while avoiding confrontation. A 2024 study concluded it blames the other person for not being clear enough about their request or expectation, even when the meaning was reasonably apparent.
5. 'You just want everything to be perfect'
Srdjan Randjelovic / Shutterstock
Another passive-aggressive strategy is to carry out tasks in a timely, but unacceptable manner. For example, a child who is asked to make their bed and does it halfway.
Or a husband who usually doesn't help with housework and when he does he doesn't do it, thoroughly. The passive-aggressive person complies with a particular request but intentionally is inefficient. When confronted, they defend the work and accuse the other of being a perfectionist.
Saying, 'I just want everything to be perfect,' can be considered passive-aggressive because it often functions as veiled criticism. It indirectly expresses dissatisfaction or anger without directly stating it.
At the same time, a 2013 study found it places the burden of responsibility on others to meet an impossible standard, leaving room for the speaker to deny any harmful intent later.
6. 'I thought you knew'
Perfect Wave / Shutterstock
Passive-aggressive people may express their anger covertly by choosing not to share information when it could prevent a problem. By claiming ignorance, the person defends inaction, while taking pleasure in seeing another's plight.
7. 'I was only joking'
New Africa / Shutterstock
Like backhanded compliments, sarcasm is a common tool of a passive-aggressive person who expresses hostility aloud, but in socially acceptable, indirect ways. If you show that you are offended by the sarcasm, the hostile joke teller plays up their role as victim, asking, "Can't you take a joke?"
Saying, 'I'm just kidding,' when making a potentially hurtful remark is common in passive-aggressive behavior. Research by Frontiers in Psychology concluded it allows individuals to express negative feelings indirectly while maintaining plausible deniability and avoiding confrontation.
8. 'Why are you getting so upset?
Roman Kosolapov / Shutterstock
The passive-aggressive person is a master at maintaining calm and showing surprise when others, worn down by their indirect hostility, blow up in anger. The person gets pleasure from setting others up to lose their cool and then questioning their "overreactions."
Hopefully, this was eye-opening for you, and it helps you to know how to recognize passive-aggressive behavior when it shows up in your life. Learning how to communicate with direct clear communication instead of unhealthy behaviors will enhance your relationships.
Indirect hostility is widely considered passive-aggressive because it involves covertly expressing negative feelings or anger, often through subtle actions or behaviors rather than confrontation. It creates a disconnect between what someone says and what they do. Research by the University of California Berkeley found that indirect hostility stems from underlying rage or resentment that a person is uncomfortable expressing directly, leading them to use indirect methods to convey their displeasure.
To figure out if you're a victim of passive aggression, ask yourself these questions:
- Are you on an emotional roller coaster ride with someone in your life?
- Do you know a person who is friendly one day but withdraws the next?
- Does this person consistently avoid any emotionally intense conversations?
- Are you sometimes that person?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, chances are, you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive person or even showing signs of passive-aggressive behavior yourself.
Anna-Thea is an author and certified divine feminine educator who educates people on how to claim their power lovingly.