10 Signs A Friend In Your Life Is Not A Good Person, According To Psychology
Be careful of who you surround yourself with.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Having close friends is a key part of someone's well-being. Feeling connected to others makes us feel less lonely, which, in turn, makes us less depressed and anxious.
Yet not all friends are made equally, and sometimes, we fall into friendships that aren't actually good for us.
Here are 10 signs a friend in your life is not a good person
1. They don't listen
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Good friendships are based on balance. They require a give-and-take mentality, which means that sometimes you provide support, and sometimes you require it. A friend who really cares will offer to listen to your troubles without judging, but if your friend repeatedly refuses to listen, it's a sign they're not a good person.
A friend who doesn't listen might talk over you or switch the conversation topic back to themselves. A more subtle sign of not listening is if your friend doesn't validate how you feel.
Psychologist Nick Wignall explained that the primary role of a good listener is to be empathetic. "Your job is to help the person struggling to know that whatever they're feeling is valid, no matter how painful or how irrational," he stated. "Whether or not someone's feelings make sense to you, their experience of that feeling is always perfectly valid."
If your friend tells you that whatever you're feeling isn't that bad, or that so many other people have it worse, it's an indication that they're judging your emotions, instead of accepting you for having them.
2. They're passive-aggressive
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When someone is cruel in a direct way, it's easy to identify them as an aggressive person who relies on bullying behavior to make others feel bad. Yet there are some forms of cruelty that are harder to pinpoint, like passive-aggressive behavior.
Philosophy professor Brit Brogaard defines passive-aggressiveness as "A tendency to engage in the indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks."
Having a passive-aggressive friend will make you feel bad about yourself, even though it's hard to locate why. They might put you down in subtle ways, like giving you back-handed compliments. They might ignore you when they feel slighted by giving you the silent treatment, which is often a tactic of emotional abuse.
In order to deal with a passive-aggressive person, Brogaard recommends creating as much distance from the person as possible, which might mean cutting that friend out of your life.
Friends should make you feel good about yourself. A friend who's not a good person will most likely make you feel inferior and insecure, which is a clear sign that they don't belong in your life.
3. They're overly critical
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All relationships have points of conflict, even friendships. Knowing how to discuss emotional issues in a healthy way is a key part to keeping a friendship alive. But there's a major difference between positive or constructive critique and outright criticism.
Psychologists from the Gottman Institute explained the importance of voicing complaints versus criticizing, noting that complaints are specific, while criticism is an overall attack on a person's character.
It's totally normal to feel frustrated with our friends, but it's the way we express that frustration that matters most. If you have a friend who drags you down, telling you that you "always" act a certain way or "never" do specific things, that's an example of negative criticism, which is bound to make you feel bad.
In a 2009 psychological study on the concept of well-being, researchers found that negative emotions last longer than positive emotions, which is why we tend to remember insults more than praise. The study noted that having high emotional intelligence can buffer against the negative effects of criticism.
The finding indicates the importance of remembering that a friend's critical attitude says more about them than it does about you. If a friend with an overly critical mentality tries to drag you down to their level, they're not a very considerate or confident person.
4. They don't celebrate your wins
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According to the American Psychological Association, empathy is defined as "understanding a person from their frame of reference rather than one's own, or vicariously experiencing that person's feelings, perceptions, and thoughts."
We often think of empathy as having to support someone through negative emotions, yet supporting positive emotions play into being empathetic as well. Having friends to help us in hard times is important, but it's equally important for our friends to celebrate our victories with us.
A friend who's unable or unwilling to revel in your good news is likely someone who struggles to be compassionate or empathetic. If they minimize the positive parts of your life or act competitive when something goes well for you, they're not appreciative of you and don't deserve to be in your life.
5. They're possessive
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Envy and jealousy are common human emotions, but having a friend who doesn't know how to deal with those feelings can make your life more difficult.
Life coach Mitzi Bockmann explained that possessiveness is a toxic trait, one that shows up as being unwilling to share the people they're close to with others or acknowledge their a person's individuality. Possessive people "Hold on tight to someone who might try to live their own life, sometimes causing those people to become alienated from others."
A possessive friend might get angry when you make plans that don't include them, or if you say you need some time alone. They act jealous of your other friends or your partner because your independence feels threatening to them.
Possessiveness is a form of controlling behavior, which is a surefire sign that someone isn't a good person.
6. They don't return favors
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Close friends make us feel seen and understood in an often confusing world. Having friends helps us build a sense of community, which is important for emotional and practical reasons. We can ask friends for a ride to the airport, or to pick up cold medicine when we're too sick to get out of bed.
Doing favors for friends can strengthen the foundations of your relationship, but only if there's a sense of equity. If you have a friend who always asks you to do things for them, but is mysteriously "too busy" to help when you need it, that pattern indicates that they're not giving or gracious, and they're probably not a good person.
7. They pressure you
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A good friend accepts you for exactly who you are, without forcing you to change. If you don't like big crowds or going out to bars, they get that. They'll meet you where you're at emotionally and make plans that don't make you uncomfortable.
A friend who's not a good person will push you to do what they want to do, regardless of your level of comfort. They might tease you for staying home and not going to a party, then tell you they're only kidding when you say you're hurt.
Putting pressure on someone to do something they don't want to do is a form of bullying, and if your friend does this, it's a sign that they don't really care about you.
8. They're close-minded
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According to counselor Larry Michel, one way to attract positive people into your life is to cultivate open-mindedness. As Michel explains it, people who are open-minded are "receptive to different perspectives and ideas, which allows them to connect with a diverse range of individuals... This openness fosters a sense of acceptance and encourages deeper connections."
In contrast, someone who's close-minded thrives off negativity. They refuse to acknowledge the existence of other perspectives outside their own, and therefore, they have a rigid, inflexible point of view. In other words, it's their way or no way, and they expect you to conform to their beliefs.
A close-minded friend has a hard time seeing nuance or being self-reflective, which could mean they're not a good person.
9. They have a negative attitude
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We tend to take on the traits and attitudes of the people we surround ourselves with, meaning that our moods often mimic our friends' moods. This is good news when it comes to having positive, happy-go-lucky friends, but when your friends give off negative energy, it means you're more likely to form a negative outlook, too.
A 2021 study from "Frontiers in Psychology" looked at the phenomenon of emotional contagion, which can be defined as the experience of "behavioral synchrony" between individuals. In less scientific terms, emotional contagion means it's easy to catch someone else's feelings, be they good or bad.
According to the researchers, "Emotional contagion can be triggered by facial expressions, indirect human interactions, and/or by observing other people's behavior in direct and indirect interactions." They noted that "Emotional arousal is transmissible during human interactions," meaning that our emotions can be triggered by other people's emotions.
A person who's relaxed can transmit that feeling to others, as can a person who's emotionally activated. The more negative a friend is, the more likely it is that you'll see the world in a negative light, too.
10. They minimize your feelings
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A major indication of being a good person is how someone deals with and responds to other people's emotions. A friend who constantly minimizes how you feel likely has low emotional intelligence, which means they struggle to acknowledge their own feelings and put you down for having strong feelings of your own.
If someone brushes you off when you express yourself, it's bound to make you feel like you shouldn't feel the way you do. In reality, our having a wide range of emotions is part of being human.
Our emotions are never invalid, even if someone disagrees with them. We're allowed to feel how we feel, and if your friend doesn't make space for that, it's a sign they're not a good person.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.