People Who Lack Empathy Use These 10 Phrases Often
Some people don't understand how to be empathetic.
AaronAmat | Canva Empathy allows us to understand the experiences of others on an emotional level. Humans are social creatures with an innate desire to be connected to other humans.
No one can be perfectly empathetic all the time. While empathy comes naturally to almost everyone to some extent, it also requires conscious and unconscious effort.
People who lack empathy these phrases often:
1. 'Just get over it'
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This minimizes a person's struggle and implies weakness. When we are told to get over it, the people in our lives do not think about what is best for us.
Instead, they think about what's best for them. Let's face it: intense emotions are stressful for the people around us. By saying these things, we invalidate the trauma people have experienced and force them to question themselves and their emotions.
2. 'That wasn’t so bad, was it?'
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This can invalidate their feelings and experiences as if they were trivial. When someone's feelings are consistently dismissed or minimized, they may believe their emotions are invalid, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth and personal value.
A 2019 study showed that individuals who experience frequent invalidation may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like self-harm or substance abuse to manage their emotions.
3. 'You're being too sensitive'
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Insensitivity on your part can stigmatize their emotional responses. These words disconnect people from who they are and criticize one of our greatest human traits. This has had deep, long-lasting effects on all (or most) highly sensitive people.
4. 'Why can't you just forget about it?'
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This simplifies a complex mental health condition and can cause further damage. Trauma is often characterized by intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, where the traumatic event involuntarily re-enters a person's awareness, making forgetting nearly impossible.
2021 research explained that this type of questioning can discourage individuals from seeking help for their trauma, as they may feel judged or like they are not trying hard enough to move on.
5. 'I know exactly how you feel.
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This kind of comment presumes to understand their unique suffering. Everyone experiences emotions differently based on their unique life experiences, making it nearly impossible to fully grasp another person's feelings, even if you've faced similar situations.
Saying, "I know how you feel," can inadvertently imply that their emotions are not valid or significant, potentially silencing their expression.
6. 'At least you're still alive'
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This fails to recognize and neglects the emotional scars left behind by their experience. This phrase can be perceived as insensitive and lacking empathy, as it does not acknowledge the complex emotional experience of the survivor.
Research published in The European Journal of Psychotraumatology concluded that hearing this can sometimes trigger or re-traumatize a survivor by forcing them to confront the traumatic event in a way that feels invalidating.
7. 'Stop living in the past'
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This phrase often demonstrates a lack of understanding about the complex nature of trauma and how it can significantly impact a person's life long-term.
The Royal College of Psychiatrists recommended acknowledging the pain and difficulty they are experiencing and expressing empathy for their situation. Callous remarks ignore the uncontrollable nature of triggers.
8. 'You need to move on'
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Everyone’s journey is unique. This simplifies and disregards the psychological difficulty of 'moving on.' If they are struggling significantly, suggest seeking therapy from a qualified mental health professional who can guide them through the healing process.
9. 'It happened to me, too, and I’m fine'
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Establishing harmful comparisons is rarely helpful to the person who is triggered. Research suggests that downward social comparison, where individuals compare themselves to someone perceived as worse off, is particularly detrimental in trauma situations, as it can lead to a sense of not being bad off enough to warrant help.
The same researchers also found a link between engaging in trauma comparisons and increased severity of PTSD symptoms, particularly when individuals feel their trauma is not as significant as others.
10. 'You’re just seeking attention'
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These harmful words accuse them of manipulating their condition for sympathy. These comments can serve as triggers themselves and cause further emotional pain. Avoiding them and finding other ways to compassionately support the person triggered can make a significant difference in your interactions with someone who is suffering.
Being labeled as attention-seeking can make individuals feel like their experiences are invalid and that they are being judged negatively, leading to decreased self-esteem. People might be less likely to share genuine concerns or ask for help if they fear being labeled as attention-seeking.
Michele Molitor, CPCC, CHt, is a certified coach, hypnotherapist, and co-author of the book I Am Perfectly Flawsome - How Embracing Imperfection Makes Us Better. She coaches high-achieving professionals in reducing their overwhelm and reclaiming their self-confidence, calm, and clarity to create a thriving life and career.