5 Signs You’re Falling For Someone Who’s Emotionally MIA, According To World-Renowned Relationship Expert
Teaching an adult to have empathy for your feelings is incredibly challenging and probably a waste of your time.
Fleur Kaan | Unsplash There's a breakthrough in technology that may prove thrilling for people who are lonely and wish to be cared for. Recently, "the world’s most advanced robot," named Ameca, was unveiled. This new evolution of robot provides empathy, both in words and by furrowing her brow and other micro facial expressions that allow all the nuts, bolts, and circuits to appear suitably concerned about your well-being.
Isn’t this what women have asked our husbands and boyfriends to do for millennia? Your new BFF Ameca will seem to care about you and your needs and is programmed to reply accordingly. Finally, women will have the next step in partner engineering.
Learning to provide empathy requires training and a lot of practice. The reality is that while Ameca the robot is programmed to use empathetic words and expressions, most men and women are not.
When I teach empathy and write kind and caring scripts for clients, the right-brained clients are excited to learn how to generate the results of more connection, cooperation, peace, and ease. However, the left-brained clients, who are mostly men, express confusion that these words are so effective since they are in the early stages of learning to feel regret and sadness when their partner's needs aren’t met because too often they were programmed in their families to just ignore it.
The secret to building a life with real empathy from your partner is to understand key identifiers in a person who is emotionally MIA.
Here are the signs you’re falling for someone who’s emotionally MIA:
1. They're heartless
He believes it's okay to break your heart because he doesn't have one himself and he doesn’t understand emotional pain.
2. They're arrogant
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They believe that their behaviors are always acceptable because they're the boss and they make the rules. According to a 2015 study, an emotionally unavailable person often displays arrogance stemming from a lack of self-esteem. To feel the power and control they believe they lack, they may feel the need to show others that they are better than them.
3. They're toxic
They believe that if they cheat it's acceptable because they're in charge and if you cheat, their go-to is to shame you with verbal or physical violence.
4. They're overly judgmental
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You feel like a slave in this relationship because you are a slave — they're a judging machine ready to mete out punishment.
5. They have ulterior motives
If they give you a gift, it's not from a generous heart. They give you what they think you need, and what you want.
How do you avoid getting together with someone who lacks empathy? Create your checklist of the attributes you seek in a partner.
Stay in the observer state on your first 10 dates, making sure that you identify any discomfort you feel in your body when your need for kindness, compassion, or generosity isn’t met. It’s very easy to forget this in the heat of the moment and in the momentum that is building but you must notice it before it’s too late.
If you are a deeply loving and compassionate person yourself, you will be tempted to forgive and forget in the early days of dating, don't! This is your only chance to protect yourself from the pain and cruelty that occurs in a relationship with someone incapable of empathy.
Listen to your friends and family’s opinions and take the time to ask them what they have observed. When my dear friend said, “If we had been friends then I never would have let you marry him!” I knew that this was true.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Susan Allan is a certified mediator and coach and the founder of the Marriage Forum Inc. and creator of The 6 Part Conversation© and The 7 Stages of Marriage and Divorce training to help people understand their own needs and their partners.