12 Subtle Traits Of A Cold-Hearted Person, According To Psychology
People who just can't warm up to anyone tend to share these similar characteristics.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock.com When you think of a cold-hearted person, a range of complex emotions and behaviors may come to mind. Psychologists Linda Mealey and Stuart Kinner describe cold-heartedness as a lack of empathy. The specifics of what that looks like can often seem hard to pinpoint, but according to psychology, there are some subtle traits that a cold-hearted person will typically possess.
Knowing what those are can help you to protect yourself from negative energy and set appropriate boundaries in your day-to-day life. Especially when you lead with compassion and empathy in your own life, these traits become more apparent and nearly impossible to ignore.
Here are 12 subtle traits of a cold-hearted person, according to psychology
1. They’re reserved
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Many cold-hearted people aren’t inherently “bad,” rather they’ve developed toxic coping mechanisms and constant introspection in response to a traumatic experience or poor role models early in their lives. According to psychologist Leon F. Seltzer, many cold-hearted people develop avoidant attachment styles because of an emotionally distant parent or from consistently not getting their needs met in childhood.
They may feel self-absorbed, reserved, or impersonal as a response, avoiding confrontation, vulnerability, and heightened emotions in their relationships as a means of self-preservation and protection. They’re perceived as “cold” for ignoring or dismissing social interaction, when truthfully, it’s a trauma response they’ve relied on to protect themselves from a young age.
2. They're emotionally detached
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While emotional detached can be healthy in some cases, at least according to psychologist Matthew Boland, the cause for this behavior is important to acknowledge before labeling it as such. Many people who are perceived as cold-hearted have experienced a traumatic relationship or a breach of trust in their lives, causing them to live in constant “fight or flight” state to protect their emotional wellbeing.
Unfortunately, this isn't a healthy or sustainable coping mechanism. Stuck in a constant state of skepticism and mistrust, they tend to live in their heads, hyper-analyzing every interaction, shift in emotion, or passing comment, which prevents them from leaning into the vulnerability that fuels healthy connections.
3. They’re hyper-independent
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According to the Newport Institute, hyper-independence is a "conscious and intentional choice not to ask for help."
While this may make a person appear to be simply self-sufficient, they may also tend to appear cold to other people in their life when they refuse most offers of emotional support or help, as well as resentful when they explain that they don't want help because they wouldn't be receiving anything in return.
4. They’re skeptical or suspicious of others
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Constantly critical of themselves and mistrusting of other people’s ulterior motives, cold-hearted people tend to be highly skeptical of their friends, family, and even strangers. While this suspicion of others, which often appears to be without tangible reasons, comes across as inherently cold-hearted, people who do this are actually attempting to protect themselves in the only way they know how to.
This hypervigilance often sabotages their chance at healthy relationships, leading to a toxic cycle of isolation and removal from genuine connection.
5. They’re critical of everything
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Someone who is genuinely operating from a place of narcissism, isolation, or cold-heartedness often feels the need to grasp control — even in their close relationships and inner circles. To feel a sense of security and superiority, they chip away at other people’s achievements to bring them down to what they think is their level.
Not only does this harm what could otherwise be healthy relationships, draining energy from their friends and family, it also keeps a cold-hearted person in a constant state of defensiveness where they’re manifesting negative energy into their life at every turn.
6. They seem intimidating or unapproachable
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People who’re frequently labeled as intimidating or unapproachable aren’t always cold-hearted. In many cases, their behaviors are a reflection of someone else's insecurities or misguided perceptions. Even smart and confident women are sometimes labeled “intimidating” by insecure men, according to a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
However, in conjunction with other subtle traits, a cold-hearted person can be identified by their closed-off and unapproachable nature, as they tend to isolate themselves in the face of genuine connection, positivity, and vulnerability.
7. They’re pragmatic
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People who are constantly pragmatic or reliant on practical and seemingly realistic modes of thinking tend to be cold-hearted in nature, as they avoid validating emotional responses and expressing their internal opinions and feelings.
This disregard for open communication, not just in regard to their own emotions, but in validating and making space for others, may be a sign of low emotional intelligence. Their tendency to rely on facts over emotions keeps them from bonding over shared experience with others and forcing supportive connections.
8. They avoid vulnerable conversations
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Cold-hearted people tend to view emotional responses and vulnerability as an inherent sign of weakness, often as a result of having had an emotionally distant parent or unmet emotional needs in their childhood. They refuse to admit their fears, share when someone has hurt them, or honestly communicate their emotional needs in ways that both sabotage their relationships and keep them from getting the support they need to grow.
According to expert author Mark Manson, people who are unable to express vulnerability weren’t taught how to do it effectively — they rely on “safe” conversation topics, superficial relationships, and a cold demeanor in public to protect themselves from feeling misunderstood or controversial.
However, the true nature of vulnerability isn’t sharing every thought or emotion, pushing people to talk about painful subjects, or making situations uncomfortable with unnecessary comments, it’s a conscious choice to not conceal what you’re feeling — a habit that takes a lot of work to unlearn, especially if you were never taught how.
9. They struggle with intimate relationships
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Due to their emotional intelligence, struggles with open communication, and a relatively distant and closed-off demeanor, cold-hearted people tend to have more difficulty with intimate relationships and smaller inner circles than their peers.
Without a circle of support, they're likely to experience the negative consequences of isolation, like depression, anxiety, and physical burdens, sparking a toxic cycle of missed opportunity and connection that closes them off even further.
10. They’re stubborn
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Often forming a toxic habit of attention-seeking behavior in their childhood, attempting to make space for connection with an emotionally distant parent, cold-hearted people tend to be more goal-oriented than their peers. Achievements and success aren’t a means of personal growth, but rather an opportunity to seek external validation and recognition.
More focused on this intrinsic drive for validation, cold-hearted people appear to be less interested in other people’s opinions and perspectives, driven solely by their personal goals and metrics of success. This dismissive attitude and perfectionism comes across as stubborn in many ways, driving a gap between themselves and opportunities for healthy connections.
11. They have unrealistic expectations for others
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With an inherent need for control and a dismissal of emotional reactions, many cold-hearted people place unrealistic and impossible expectations on others to achieve their own goals and aspirations. While they may not expect emotional support from people, they’re not afraid to assert other demands and regulations on the people in their lives.
The transactional nature of their relationships ensures that vulnerability and emotion is dismissed, protecting them from having to openly communicate or express their feelings.
12. They have toxic coping mechanisms
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Childhood trauma has been identified as a major public health issue, as it leads to lifelong psychological, emotional, and physical concerns in adult children across the country. From relying on unhealthy vices that affect their physical wellbeing to developing mental health issues like depression or personality disorders, many adult children with unresolved trauma sabotage the wellbeing of their own lives in an effort to cope.
If you notice someone is constantly isolating themselves, relying on vices for comfort, or closing themselves off to vulnerability in social interactions, they’re likely subtle traits of a cold-hearted person, according to psychology.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories