11 Annoying Mom Phrases That Are Actually Signs Of Extreme Emotional Intelligence
These cringe-worthy mom-isms secretly double as brilliant lessons that kids only appreciate later.
Victoria Antre | Shutterstock Moms often get a bad rap for their relentless nagging, but those repetitive phrases that make kids groan might just be hidden gems of wisdom. Far from mere annoyances, sayings like “Are you sure you’re okay?” or “Put yourself in their shoes” reveal a mother’s knack for tuning into emotions — hers and her kids’ — with a finesse that’s easy to miss in the moment.
What seems like overbearing chatter is actually a masterclass in emotional intelligence, shaping kids into adults who can handle feelings and relationships with grace. These 11 classic mom lines unpack how her so-called pesky words are really clever tools for building empathy, resilience, and self-awareness in disguise.
The 11 annoying mom phrases that are actually signs of extreme emotional intelligence:
1. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
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When someone is an adolescent, having their parents check in on them can feel suffocating. Although most teenagers understand their mothers mean well, the often irritating phrase, "Are you sure you're okay?" reveals a deeper emotional intelligence.
Now, everybody, even kids, needs independence and space. From working through complicated emotions to figuring out friendships or romantic relationships, most kids prefer to keep their feelings to themselves until they can better understand them. Still, this doesn't change the fact that most kids lack the control and emotional intelligence to sort through these complicated emotions.
According to the Child Mind Institute, children start to control their emotions with some success at age five to six. However, according to the American Psychological Association, impulse control and problem-solving skills don't fully develop until young adulthood.
So, while kids might grow annoyed with their mothers for being invasive, emotionally intelligent mothers understand that at some point, stepping in and walking their children through their emotions is sometimes necessary. Whether kids like it or not, they're not developed enough to make sense of their feelings independently, so having an emotionally intelligent mother is important.
2. ‘It’s how you said it’
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A kid is lying in bed scrolling through their phone when they hear their mother say they need to take out the trash. Rolling their eyes, they come downstairs and mutter, "Fine," only to be met with an eyebrow raise and a reprimand from Mom. In that moment, it may feel unjust to be scolded for something so trivial. However, as most children have heard before, an annoying phrase from their mom that is actually a sign of extreme emotional intelligence is, "It's how you said it."
Most people aren't that in tune with themselves, let alone their emotions. Because of this, they don't always notice the shift in tone their partner, kids, or friends might use when they're upset or feeling aggravated. But when it comes to emotionally intelligent moms, they're almost always able to pick up on these tone shifts without thinking twice about it.
That's because people notice changes in tone as they become more sensitive to tone, cited psychologist and author Rick Hanson, Ph.D. He continued, "On the other hand, paying attention to tone puts you more in touch with yourself because you have to be aware of what's building inside—promoting mindfulness and building up its neural substrates."
So, while their kids might not feel as if they did much wrong, emotionally intelligent mothers pick up on their kids' tone easily, causing them to say infamous phrases such as these.
3. ‘Okay, start from the beginning’
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When their child returns home from school distressed and in tears because they were excluded by friends or treated poorly by a teacher, mothers' natural protective instincts may kick in, leading them to immediately seek solutions. Yet, a frequently used phrase by wise mothers, "Okay, let's start from the beginning," reflects their emotional intelligence.
Emotionally intelligent mothers can do something that most people can't do, and that's control their emotions. Instead of letting their instincts take over, these mothers can sit down and analyze the situation by asking their children to explain what happened from the start.
Sure, it might be frustrating for kids to do this, but discussing what happened clearly can help avoid misunderstandings. According to a study in 2019, misunderstandings often lead to confusion, which then leads to greater conflict.
So, to avoid this, emotionally intelligent mothers calmly sit down and ask their children to start from the beginning. Not only does this save both parties the frustration of working around vague sentences, but it also brings about better solutions, leading to a more productive conversation.
4. ‘Put yourself in their shoes’
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When kids are younger, they're entirely focused on their own reality. From their friendships to their surroundings, they seldom consider how different others' lives may be. Consequently, a phrase often exclaimed by mothers — "Put yourself in their shoes" — is actually a manifestation of profound emotional intelligence.
Most kids who hear this can't help but roll their eyes at their mom. After all, who truly cares about putting themselves in other people's shoes, right? When kids are upset or frustrated, the last thing they want to consider is how the other person might feel. Still, there's a reason why empathizing with others is so important.
For instance, one study in 2024 cited that students with higher levels of empathy were increasingly more likely to stand up to bullies, while those with lower levels reinforced their behaviors. Knowing this, moms who use this phrase should continue to use it. While kids might grow annoyed and frustrated with this infamous phrase, it does wonders for their character growth.
5. ‘Do you need a moment?’
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According to a study published in Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment, kids can't control their emotions until age 25. This is because the brain doesn't technically stop developing until 25. This is important to note, as until this period, most people didn't have complete control over their behavior or impulse control.
Considering this, a commonly irritating phrase from moms that actually demonstrates significant emotional intelligence is, "Do you need a moment?" Understandably, a kid's last desire is to do breathing exercises while their mom sets a timer. However, there's a reason why taking a breather is so essential.
A study published in Nature found that even taking a few seconds for themselves can calm people's minds. This is important as the study found that couples could better defuse situations and reach a conflict resolution. So, while the parent and child might hate to take that uncomfortable break, allowing a break is the best and most effective way to work through challenging emotions or conflict together.
6. ‘How did that make you feel?’
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There's no worse feeling than getting vulnerable with someone. While therapists and self-help gurus might emphasize the importance of being honest about uncomfortable emotions, this still doesn't change the fact that an annoying mom phrase that is actually a sign of emotional intelligence is, "How did that make you feel?"
At a certain age, children become less open about their emotions. According to psychotherapist Elizabeth Donovan, M.A., "Keeping secrets is often an important way teens learn to make their own decisions and face their own mistakes." Still, while being open isn't always the standard, this doesn't stop an emotionally intelligent mom from asking these questions. While children might feel uncomfortable with it, getting into how they are feeling will help them move past those emotions.
As it stands, emotional suppression never works. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, emotional suppression keeps the negative emotions intact while decreasing the positive ones. With this in mind, mothers shouldn't feel discouraged if their child doesn't reveal everything. After all, it takes a while for people, let alone children, to open up. But as long as mothers continue to create that safe space for emotional expression, kids will feel more comfortable speaking their minds — even if it might be annoying at first.
7. ‘I don’t know, what do you think?’
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Now, on the surface, it might sound unhelpful and avoidant when a mother responds, "I don't know, what do you think?" After all, they're the adults here, so why wouldn't they take charge of the conversation or bestow their great wisdom upon their children, right?
While children might consider this phrase rude, it's actually a sign of extreme emotional intelligence. Most mothers feel the innate desire to cling to their kids and protect them from everything. This is why some mothers have a tight leash on where kids can go or who they can hang out with. However, this level of control will only backfire in the end.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Ronald Stolberg, Ph.D., only when children solve their problems can they finally gain the confidence to do so independently. He continued, "The long-term goal is to raise children who, when faced with adversity or problems, feel confident that they have the experience to proceed appropriately."
With this in mind, emotionally intelligent mothers always look for ways to allow their kids independence. From the clothes they wear to the opinions they form, emotionally intelligent mothers understand that the only way to create an emotionally intelligent child is to give them the independence to make mistakes — even if their mind screams at them to do the opposite.
8. ‘How would you feel if that happened?’
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From classmates getting picked on to kids being excluded and ignored, most children look at these terrible situations and don't think much of them. It's not that they're purposely trying to be inconsiderate or heartless. Depending on their age, most kids struggle to be empathetic.
According to child psychologist Anna Kroncke, Ph.D., NCSP, "Kids who lack empathy may have issues with perspective-taking. That is, they may not know how to interpret someone else’s feelings." This is why the often irritating phrase from moms, "How would you feel if that happened to you?" actually indicates profound emotional intelligence.
Not all mothers purposely frustrate or upset their children by using this phrase. However, considering how important it is for children to have empathy, emotionally intelligent mothers will ask these perspective-based questions to help teach their children how to be more empathetic.
Remember: children only have a short period until their next development stage. Kroncke continued, "Children and teenagers can express and understand complex emotional states" during their middle school and teenage years. This is why emotionally intelligent mothers start early and use questions like these to teach their children empathy.
As Kroncke explained, beginning with stories and moves and focusing on the emotions during that plot can help children better understand other people's perspectives, leading to higher emotional intelligence in the long run.
9. ‘Not everyone will like you, that’s okay’
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As kids grow older, they want to fit in and be well-liked. Whether by a huge group of people or by one person, everyone wants to feel as if they belong. Despite this fact, Mom always says the infamous "Not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay" phrase.
In their children's eyes, this might feel unnecessary or uncalled for. After all, it's just baseless words that have no meaning, right? However, mothers might unconsciously showcase just how emotionally intelligent they are compared to the rest of the people.
Sure, everyone wants to feel loved and accepted. It's human nature to group together and find people whose kids can rely on during times of need, apart from their parents. Still, it's the true quality of friendships and relationships that matters most. Being in a friendship with someone who's emotionally immature or someone who needs to work 24/7 to keep, isn't worth it in the long run. Investing too much energy into the run person can certainly end in disaster.
So, while the mother's baseless' phrase of not needing to be liked or accepted might sound like boloney, she's simply reinforcing the idea that what is meant for her children will find them and that they shouldn't work themselves to the bone to be accepted by someone who isn't even worth their time.
10. ‘Let’s focus on what we can control’
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Even as adults, most people struggle to focus on the present. With bills piling up and work becoming increasingly chaotic, it can be anxiety-inducing to worry about the things they can't control. This is probably why an annoying mom phrase that is actually a sign of extreme emotional intelligence is, "Let's focus on what we can control."
Perfectionist tendencies can quickly damage a person's mental health if people aren't careful. From nitpicking their partner's behavior to working overtime because they're uncertain if their work is satisfactory, mothers convey this phrase as a helpful warning to their children.
More often than not, many mothers, even emotionally intelligent ones, struggle to stay focused on what they can control. Overly stressed with balancing it all, these mothers most likely dealt with these tough emotions since they were children. Now, as adults, these mothers don't want their children to go through the same anxiety-inducing behavior, which is why these mothers throw this phrase around constantly.
11. ‘Don’t let one bad moment ruin your day’
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Finally, the last annoying mom phrase that is actually a sign of extreme emotional intelligence is, "Don't let one bad moment define your entire day." Everyone has been in this situation before. Maybe work didn't go as expected, or they argued with their spouse.
While they might not say it aloud, most people complain about how bad of a day they're having in their head while sipping their coffee angrily. Unfortunately, many people allow this one-hour moment to determine the next 24 hours, spending too much time sulking and not enough time enjoying the moment or being productive.
So, while it might be annoying to hear their mother say this phrase when they're already upset, in the long run, having this high emotional intelligence will help people, especially kids, calm their nerves and change their mindset. Sure, they can't rewind time and make a different decision, but they have the rest of the day to turn their frown upside down, effectively making the day much better.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
