11 Things Parents Don't Realize They Do To Make Their Adult Children Feel Disrespected
Even if it comes from a place of love, sometimes parents unknowingly create distance between themselves and their adult children.
imtmphoto | Shutterstock As we evolve and really become comfortable with adulthood, the relationship that we have with our parents also grows and becomes completely different than the relationship that we had with them during our adolescent years. While it's not necessarily a bad kind of change, there are instances where parents may struggle with parenting their adult children because of how used they are to see them as actual children instead of adults with their own minds and lives.
While there are definitely things that adult children say or do to their parents that can come across as ill-mannered, on the other side of the coin, there are actions that parents exhibit toward their adult children that, even though they're coming with love, can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way.
Here are 11 things parents don't realize they do to make their adult children feel disrespectful.
1. Criticizing their life choices
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There's nothing more frustrating than making a choice in your life that you feel is something that needs to happen — whether that's career-wise, moving to a different place, or with relationships — only to have your parents turn their nose up at it and judge. While this obviously comes from a place of concern and parents only wanting the best for their children, at the end of the day, these are adults who don't need to do anything for their parents' approval or validation.
It comes across as just hurtful because adults expect their parents to respect the choices they make in life. They might not have to necessarily agree with it, but there are ways to go about it that don't come across as disrespectful. In an interview with HuffPost, Kurt Smith, a therapist in Roseville, California, explained that he hears about this issue quite often. Clients will tell him of friendly enough conversations that slowly veer into critiques: "You should have done this instead." "That will never work." "Are you sure you’re with the right person?" "I think you may be out of your depth here."
"I think many parents of adults suffer with feelings of irrelevancy and uselessness, and as a result make a practice of offering unsolicited advice and instruction in an effort to stay important to their children and family," Smith said. "They may also have a genuine belief that their own experiences mean they truly do know what’s best."
2. Offering unsolicited advice
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No one appreciates having to defend the choices they make in life, especially to their parents. If an adult goes to their parent with an issue, problem, or just a general hiccup happening in their life, unless they're specifically asking for advice, they usually just want someone to vent their troubles to without having to expect anything in return.
When the advice comes unsolicited, it can make an adult child feel as if their parents simply don't trust them to come to a sane and working conclusion on their own. Sometimes it's nice to be able to call or sit down with your parents and unload all of the inconveniences that have been happening lately, and knowing that they'll just react with open arms and love instead of wagging their finger in your face and telling you everything that you're doing wrong.
3. Comparing them to others
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Whether it's to another sibling, cousin, or even friend, constantly facing comparisons from your parents can feel quite frustrating and eventually lead to feelings of resentment because you start to think that who you are as a person just isn't enough in your parent's eyes. Sometimes parents fail to realize that you're your own person and the way you live your life is never going to be the same as other adults in your family.
"It’s unfortunate, but we live in a culture that fosters competition and individualism over community and collectivism — and this certainly doesn’t exclude parents," Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, clinical psychologist, told Care. "There will always be another child who is smarter, more athletic, more talented, more obedient than yours, as well as kids who aren’t as smart, athletic, talented, obedient as yours. But comparing your kids to others is never a good idea, and bucking this trend requires intentionality and practice."
Comparison is the thief of joy, and there's nothing more disappointing than thinking that your parents don't appreciate the person you've become.
4. Overstepping boundaries
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Parents often think because they brought their children into this world, they're entitled to their time, when in fact, that's not the case. Parents choosing to interfere and meddle with things going on in their adult children’s lives is simply invasive and can really impact the relationship as well.
If an adult has set boundaries with their parent, whether that's specifying certain topics are off-limits, limiting contact, or choosing how much information they want to share, parents should be able to respect those decisions.
Ignoring the boundaries set into place can just further drive a wedge in the relationship as well as prove that adult children cannot trust their parents to respect their autonomy as individuals living a life outside of their parents.
5. Invalidating their feelings
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If an adult child goes to their parent with something that's bothering them, whether it's something that's happened with their parent or with someone else, there's nothing worse than your parents dismissing your feelings or claiming that you're just being "dramatic." Jonice Webb, Ph.D., wrote for Psychology Today that parents who actively invalidated their child often have misconceptions of how emotions work overall.
"Parents may view feelings as something you choose to experience or label emotions as “bad behavior” that must be fixed. These parents may be aware of their invalidating nature yet may lack the knowledge to know this is inherently wrong," Webb wrote. "Thus, when children have emotions around these unattuned parents, they may learn that their feelings are wrong or bad, causing emotional neglect and emotional harm."
There are ways to reclaim your emotions in the event of them being invalidated by your parents, but it's still disheartening when your parents can't see that what you're going through is important.
6. Expecting constant availability
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Adult children have their own responsibilities and lives that they are living outside of their parents. While it's important for adults to still make time for their parents, it shouldn't be an expectation because when it does end up becoming that, it starts to feel as if there is no respect for their own autonomy.
An extreme version of this is called enmeshment. Dr. Maragret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, explained that some people often feel extreme guilt when they're questioning the relationship they have with their parents.
"It’s difficult to question this bond because you may feel extreme guilt as if you’re being disloyal or not appreciating all that they have done for you. You fear that you can never emotionally leave nor can you express anger about how trapped you feel," Rutherford wrote in a blog post.
"If you’re the parent, finding other relationships that can support you is the first line of business – the goal being that you’re far less reliant on your child. If you’re the adult child, you may have become quite accustomed to the parent’s constant contact, and being without it can feel a little shaky. Your task is to build your own sense of identity while learning to share in healthy supportive relationships."
7. Bringing up past mistakes
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The mistakes and trouble that you got into as a child don't define your adulthood, in the same way that mistakes you may have made as an adult shouldn't define the rest of your journey. This is why it can be incredibly frustrating for parents to think that all of your past mistakes mean that you haven't grown as a person.
Focusing on the past means that parents aren't leaving any room for improvement and give their adult children the benefit of the doubt that they've matured and can make better decisions. Abby Medcalf, a relationship expert, encouraged people to set boundaries with those in their lives who can't seem to let go of the past.
"Setting boundaries and holding them is the key to true emotional closeness. When you don’t set or keep a boundary, you end up feeling fear-based emotions like resentment, helplessness, hopelessness, rage, frustration, and exhaustion. You can’t build a healthy relationship on those feelings."
8. Imposing their beliefs or ideas onto them
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As children, we often just follow the lead of what our parents want for us, especially when it comes to things like religion, education, values, and life goals. But as we get older, we can form our own thoughts and opinions on the kind of lifestyle that we want for our lives. There's nothing wrong with deviating from the way that our parents raised us, but it can become a problem when our parents don't seem to consider that.
"Be open and clear about what behaviors you are uncomfortable with. Sit and talk with your parents. Make it clear when you believe they have overstepped the limits or when you are uncomfortable with their attempts to impose their religious views and rituals on you or your children," the Phoenix Men's Counseling organization explained.
"Setting healthy boundaries allows you to communicate to your parents that you respect their views but are confident about your own beliefs or that you don't feel comfortable with them interfering."
9. Failing to apologize
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Some parents find it difficult to admit to their children when they're in the wrong. Whether it's because of the dynamic or because they don't feel they owe their child an apology, it can just lead to distance between a child and their parent. No one is above apologizing, even parents.
In an attempt to explain why parents can sometimes hold back on apologies, Iskra Fileva, Ph.D., explained in an article for Psychology Today, "Perhaps, some parents think that they can purchase moral immunity by virtue of being the providers; buy their way out of ever having to ask for forgiveness."
"Parents may also think, perhaps, that they have the sole authority to determine the rules in the household and that they can choose to make rules that simply do not apply to them," she continued. "Sometimes, however, parents know that they have acted wrongly and may even confess to someone, just not to the child they've wronged."
10. Expecting them to fix family issues
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Even as an adult, adult children are still considered the child in a parent-child dynamic, and no matter how old they are, they shouldn't be responsible for having to repair damaged relationships between older family members, especially when those issues started during childhood.
Any bad blood between a child and a family member should be something that that family member makes a conscious effort to resolve. Adult children have their own worries in their lives and the last thing they need is to have the responsibility of keeping the family together on their shoulders.
11. Criticizing their parenting choices
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When people start their own families, the last thing they want is unwanted advice or criticism from their own parents about the way that they're choosing to raise their children. There's a time and place when adult children may go to their parents for help or advice, but at the end of the day, their parents have done their job and at the stage of becoming grandparents, they should allow their adult children to make their own decisions regarding how they want to parent.
Some parenting techniques that were used during their childhood may not be things they want to implement with their children, and their parents should definitely respect those choices without taking it personally.
Sometimes this unsolicited advice or criticism can feel like an attack on their competence, even if it wasn't meant to come across that way.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.