11 Benefits Of Soft Parenting That Boomers Totally Disagree With
Baby boomers simply are not having it when it comes to the trend of "gentle parenting."
Frame Stock Footage / Shutterstock Baby boomers are now between 60 and 78 years old, placing them firmly in the grandparent (and even great-grandparent) stage of their lives. They raised kids in the '70s, '80s, '90s, and maybe even 2000s, adhering to a drastically different parenting style than today’s parents swear by. Many Gen X, millennials and Gen Z parents have made the conscious decision to use gentle parenting, a style that Boomers perceive as soft parenting.
Of the four main parenting styles identified by Mayo Clinic — authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful — Boomers tended to be either more authoritarian or neglectful, which stands in stark contrast to the now more commonly used gentle or authoritative parenting styles. They held their Gen X and millennial children to high standards and enforced strict consequences when their rules weren’t followed, whereas gentle parents take a warm, flexible attitude while making it clear that they are in charge.
Due to their rigid mentality, Boomers don't always agree with modern parenting styles, and there are clear benefits of soft parenting that Boomers totally disagree with.
Here are 11 benefits of soft parenting that Boomers totally disagree with
1. Soft parenting teaches kids to recognize their emotions
Elina Efimova | Shutterstock
Teaching kids to recognize their emotions is a benefit of soft parenting that Boomers totally disagree with. Boomer parents were known for telling their kids to “suck it up” or “just get over it” whenever they expressed big feelings. Their mentality taught their kids to equate being vulnerable with weakness, which often harmed them in the long run.
In contrast, gentle parenting teaches kids to put words to how they feel, which leads them to be self-aware and emotionally connected adults. Licensed marriage and family therapist April Eldemire references research conducted by psychologist Dr. John Gottman, noting that “emotional awareness and the ability to manage feelings will determine how successful and happy our children are throughout life.”
“Use your child’s negative emotions as an opportunity to connect, heal, and grow,” Eldemire advises. “Communicate empathy and understanding so that your child can begin to understand and piece together their heightened emotional state.”
She touches on the importance of teaching kids to name how they feel, revealing that “once children can appropriately recognize and label their emotions, they’re more apt to regulate themselves without feeling overwhelmed.”
Boomers might see soft parenting as coddling their kids, but in reality, this practice models empathy and understanding, thereby raising their emotional intelligence.
2. Soft parenting inspires imagination
Urbanscape | Shutterstock
Another benefit of soft parenting that Boomers totally disagree with is the way it inspires kids’ imaginations. A major misconception about gentle parenting is that it allows children to do whatever they want, without consequences, which is more indicative of permissive parenting.
Gentle parents set clear expectations with their kids and explain what their boundaries are. They lay set age-appropriate boundaries, offering choices within limits that give kids space to be creative. They listen to their kids’ emotions and concerns, yet ultimately, they’re the ones making the final decisions.
Soft parenting provides the sense of security kids need to explore the world around them. Being raised in a warm, nurturing environment allows kids to cultivate their imaginations without fear of repercussions or judgment.
3. Soft parenting allows kids to feel safe to make mistakes
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
Soft parenting allows kids to make mistakes, a benefit that Boomers totally disagree with. The UC Davis Children’s Hospital described gentle parenting as positive parenting, noting that positive parenting sends “the powerful message: You are loved, you are good, you matter.”
Offering consistent encouragement rather than harsh criticism elevates kids’ confidence, which allows them to thrive, not only survive. Soft parenting creates a stable foundation for kids to become successful adults. The style guides kids with praise and education, standing firmly opposed to the Boomer parent mantra, “Because I said so,” a declaration that echoed across the '70s and '80s.
When millennial and Gen X kids asked why a certain rule was in place, they were told to obey without questioning. They followed directions and fell into line with their parents; expectations, yet they had a deeply ingrained fear of being punished for doing something wrong. In contrast, soft parenting explains the “why” behind the “what,” giving kids crucial context for how to behave.
Feeling safe enough to make mistakes gives kids room to grow into their authentic selves. It boosts their sense of self-confidence and their understanding of their own abilities. Having the confidence to admit they made a mistake gives kids an opportunity to learn what to do differently next time.
Licensed clinical social worker Cheryl Gerson points out that “The difference between a fixed and growth mindset is your tolerance for frustration, mistakes, and surprises.”
“A person with a ‘fixed’ mindset believes ‘I am who I am, and there’s no way I can be different,’” she explains. “A person with a ‘growth’ mindset believes, ‘If I want to (with effort), I can get better at this.’”
“If they can learn to bear the temporary uncomfortable feeling of being ‘wrong,’ long enough to get curious about their missteps, your kids can develop a ‘growth mindset,’” Gerson concludes. “After all the hard work, frustration, and dedication, your children will feel joyous to realize they can produce successful results all on their own.”
4. Soft parenting teaches kids to have compassion
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock
Boomers don’t necessarily understand that empathy and compassion are much more than soft skills, they’re the basis for healthy emotional development. When parents are attuned to their kids’ emotional landscapes, they demonstrate just how valuable feelings are.
Author and thought leader Jan L. Bowen shared key lessons that parents and kids can learn together, including how to have compassion.
“Telling your kids to toughen up is heartbreaking — and it doesn't actually make them tough in ways that enhance their lives or keep them safe,” she explains. “We send our children into a complex society we, as adults, haven’t completely mastered navigating.” Bowen continues. “After all, we can’t raise successful, accountable children until we're successful and responsible ourselves, right?”
“We must embrace learning these skills while teaching them,” she reveals. “Help [kids] see how compassion for others is a part of contributing to the community you live in. Make random acts of kindness part of your family culture by weaving random compassionate actions into your daily [routine] whenever possible.”
Acts of compassion don’t have to be complicated or over-the-top. They can be as simple as bringing cookies to your neighbors over the holidays or greeting a stranger as you walk down the street. These small moments of connection enrich our lives. Demonstrating kindness teaches kids how to treat themselves with compassion, which is an essential life skill Boomers often neglected in their own parenting journey.
5. Soft parenting promotes balanced mental health
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
Another clear benefit of soft parenting that Boomers totally disagree with is the way it promotes balanced mental health. Growing up with Boomer parents often meant that mental health got swept under the rug. There was less awareness and advocacy around mental health in the '70s, '80s and '90s, which resulted in the distinctly Gen X and millennial mindset that asking for extra support made you seem weak.
Boomers might believe that gentle parenting makes kids “soft” and “too sensitive,” but in reality, it gives them the tools they need to be well-adjusted, successful adults.
According to research from the Human Flourishing Program at Harvard University, a person’s ability to flourish in midlife is connected to how much parental warmth they received in childhood. People who received high levels of parental warmth in childhood were 21% more likely to flourish in middle age, 19% more likely to have high psychological well-being, and 13% more likely to have high social well-being. In addition, parental warmth was linked to an 18% lowered risk of depression.
The study’s outcome reinforces the idea that having a soft approach to parenting is actually a really good thing, despite what Boomers believe.
6. Soft parenting gives kids a foundation for healthy adult relationships
Roman Samborskyi | Shutterstock
The Boomer tendency to be dismissive of emotions created a dynamic that damaged their kids’ ability to enter healthy relationships later in life. Boomers were often unwilling or unable to handle the emotional wounds their kids brought to them, which can lead to an insecure attachment style in adulthood. In contrast, soft parenting provides the basis kids need for nourishing friendships and romantic partnerships.
Therapist and attachment expert Eli Harwood says that when “growing up in a secure home, you have a suitcase full of security, worthiness, confidence. If you grow up in an insecure home, that suitcase isn’t filled, so you now go out into the world and instead of being able to be like, ‘Where’s my adventure,’ you’re looking for the things you need to go on the adventure.”
“Our attachment relationships pack our suitcases,” she explains further. “Secure attachment relationships give us a solid sense of our worthiness for connection, a clear idea of what secure relating looks and feels like, and an alliance with our bodies and emotions.”
“Insecure attachment experiences leave our relational backpack without all the things we need to feel secure in ourselves and our adult relationships,” Harwood reveals. “Securely attached children reach for their caregivers when they are in distress and securely attached adults reach for their people, sweethearts and besties when they are feeling tender or emotionally dysregulated."
Harwood explains that asking for help is a positive attribute, noting that, “Reaching for our people does not burden them if we reach freely and, in fact, it builds intimacy and increases our bond with one another.”
She emphasizes that people who were raised without emotionally connected parents can still learn how to have a secure attachment style later in life, as long as they put in the work toward healing and reframing how they operate in relationships.
7. Soft parenting cuts down on tantrums
fizkes | Shutterstock
Many Boomers believe that today’s parents are so gentle, they foster ongoing behavioral problems, but in reality, soft parenting holds space for kids to move through the full range of their feelings in a safe environment.
Emily Oster, author and CEO of “ParentData,” describes gentle parenting as “a collection of behaviors or approaches that focus on being responsive, taking children’s feelings seriously, setting and holding boundaries, and trying to deal with difficult behaviors with discussion rather than punishment.”
She points out that whatever parenting approach a person takes, the key is showing “consistency around rewards and consequences.”
“Children react well to knowing what to expect,” Oster explains. “Whatever system for behavior modification/discipline you are going to adopt, it should be one that you (and everyone else in the caregiving sphere) can follow through on.”
“If this is a system with warnings and time-outs, you follow through on them every time. If it’s a system more focused on discussion and joint resolution of conflict, you do that every time,” she concludes.
By acknowledging their kids’ emotions, gentle parents reduce the occurrence of tantrums. While conflict in parenting is inevitable, soft parenting cuts down on power struggles by emphasizing collaboration and emotional expression.
8. Soft parenting teaches kids to make independent decisions
polinaloves | Shutterstock
Within the realm of soft parenting, kids are guided toward making decisions that benefit them, rather than being forced to obey their parents “just because.” Gentle parenting functions as a happy medium between authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parents explain the options their children have and stand alongside them as they try out what works best for them.
Somatic therapist Yolanda Renteria shares different ways to help kids develop empathy and patience, which are traits that support making independent decisions. She advises people to “learn parenting tools and strategies,” noting that “the first options for discipline that are likely to come up are the ones we know.”
“Many times our frustration with kids stems from not knowing what to do, other than the things we were exposed to growing up,” Renteria explains. “Work on understanding authoritative parenting and challenge this narrative.”
It’s not easy for parents to let their kids control aspects of their own fate, but it’s an essential part of teaching kids how to be independent and responsible adults. Kids won’t always make the right decisions, but giving them a soft place to land when they make mistakes is crucial to their emotional development.
9. Soft parenting teaches kids to be effective communicators
fast-stock | Shutterstock
Teaching kids to be in touch with their emotions is a key part to soft parenting, paving the way for emotional self-regulation. By learning healthy coping mechanisms, kids figure out how to engage in balanced dialogue even in the midst of heightened tension. Instead of shouting or shutting down, they stay open-minded and vulnerable.
Psychologist Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein advises that there are ways parents can build conversational trust with their kids to help them open up and share their feelings and experiences. She touches on practical aspects of communication, recommending that parents take time alone to ask their kids important questions, instead of asking them to spill on sensitive subjects out of thin air.
Dr. Becker Holstein says parents can get their kids to open up by sharing information about themselves first. “Share your deepest feelings, fears and even secrets from growing up during appropriate moments in the conversation as you're asking questions,” she suggests. “Your kids need to know that you are human and you also made mistakes during your adolescence. We want our kids to see us as perfect vessels, but the truth is that you were a kid once and you've had your share of failures and successes.”
“Keeping it real with your kids will make you more relatable and attainable, helping them feel not loved, but heard and understood as well,” Dr. Becker Holstein concludes.
10. Soft parenting helps kids build emotional resilience
Yuganov Konstantin | Shutterstock
Boomer parents and grandparents generally have a laissez-faire attitude toward emotional intelligence. “You turned out fine” is a common refrain from Boomer parents, yet their adult kids are adopting a more mindful approach to childrearing, in direct contrast to how they were brought up.
Annie Pezalla, a psychology professor from Macalester College, and professor Alice Davidson from Rollins College, collected data from more than 100 American parents with at least one child between the ages of 2 and 7 years old, putting together the first systemic investigation of what it means to be a gentle parent.
According to “self-identifying gentle parents,” the style “focuses on three main things: parents regulating their own emotions, like staying calm at all times; helping their kids identify and manage their emotions; and a strong emphasis on both physical and emotional affection.”
Pezalla describes gentle parenting as “a backlash against older, traditional hierarchical parenting that was more discipline-heavy… The gentle parenting movement is a 180-degree pivot away from that, with parents wanting a more democratic style — one that puts the parent on an even keel with the child. That’s a huge shift.”
“Parents have said, ‘I don’t want to do that [how I was raised] anymore—I want to be better,’” she explains. They’re teaching their children to voice their feelings out loud, which lets them process painful emotions without feeling judged. As a result, kids develop a strong sense of emotional resilience, which sets them up to manage their feelings in healthy ways over the course of their lifetime.
11. Soft parenting fosters a harmonious family life
fizkes | Shutterstock
Soft parenting is based on respect, trust, and mutual understanding, all of which create a strong connection between parents and kids. Having close bonds can reduce familial stress, which allows for a calmer, happier household. Yet soft parenting isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, as Pezalla points out. She touches on the internal pressures soft parenting can bring, saying, “These are A+ parents doing so much earnest work to try to do right by their kids, but we’re concerned they are burning themselves out.”
“Gentle parenting is an exorbitant amount of work, at least according to what they’re telling us,” she continues.
Pezalla had wise words for people trying out gentle parenting, noting that “parents often underestimate their kids’ resilience.”
“Go easy on yourself,” she says, advice that absolutely extends to all parents, no matter what their style may be.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.