10 Ways Adult Kids Can Stop Parenting Their Own Parents Just To Make Them Happy
If you were 'parentified' as a child, it's hard to stop when you grow. But you'll be happier and healthier when you do.
AJR_photo / Shutterstock When we're little, most of us are taught to expect that, at some point, we'll grow up and learn and how to take care of ourselves and our own children. What we don't tend to think about as much during our childhood is that, at some point, we might begin taking care of our parents the way they once cared for us. If we're lucky, we and our parents live long enough that becoming a caregiver for our mother and/or father eventually becomes a necessity that, while stressful, is in many ways an honor. But other people find themselves basically parenting their own parents not because they can't care for themselves, but just to make them happy.
These people were likely placed in what's known as a parentified role as a child, which, according to Newport Academy, "occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it." As they grow to be actual adults, these now adult kids can learn how to stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy and find true happiness for themselves instead.
10 ways adult kids can stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy
1. Let them handle their own emotions
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The first way adult kids can stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy is by letting them handle their own emotions. On the surface, this might sound obvious. Parents should handle their own emotions and not drag their kids into it. Unfortunately, this thinking isn't consistent with some people's reality.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein, LMFT, kids who experienced emotional parentification begin to feel much more mature for their age, causing them difficulties in the long run.
For instance, research cited in the Graduate Student Journal of Psychology found that parentified children report problems such as depression and anxiety, and are increasingly likely to experience somatic symptoms like headaches and stomachaches.
Adults kids can help their parents handle their own emotions by separating themselves from the conversation, encouraging them to journal their emotions, or suggesting their parents make plans with friends. If all else fails, recommending therapy and being upfront about their needs is perfectly reasonable.
2. Refusing to give in to their manipulation and gaslighting
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Throughout life, we all encounter coworkers, friends, and family members who are manipulative and like to gaslight. These situations aren't easy to deal with, as they typically require a great deal of restraint, self-control, and patience. Dealing with these types of people requires a delicate balance of watching your own words and steering clear of the other person's actions.
Adult kids of manipulative or gaslighting parents can't just stop at the flip of a switch. They likely grew up surrounded by toxic behavior and don't know anything different. Because of that, recognizing toxic behavior isn't easy and it might even be hard to get away from completely. After all, not everyone has the strength to cut off their own parents.
According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, there's no need to bother trying to convince their parents to stop that behavior. Let's face it, these parents just want to be right. It's best not to join them in their little game of pettiness and manipulation.
Gillis explained, "Meeting them at their level of dysfunction can be all-consuming and can affect your own mental health." It's best to keep your cool and if necessary, learn to step away for a moment until you've calmed down.
3. Allowing them to face the consequences of their actions
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Nobody likes to see their loved one hurt or in disarray. That said, there comes a time when hard lessons need to be learned and when facing the consequences is a must. During moments like these, it's easy for adults who were parentified as children to feel the need to interfere or make excuses for their parents. Despite their parent's toxic behavior, they are still part of their family and majorly contributed to their lives — for better or for worse.
However, if adult kids want to stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy, then allowing them to face those consequences is necessary. Not only will this help them be more dependent on themselves, but it'll also help parents learn from their mistakes.
And according to a study in 2022, students who intentionally made mistakes learned from their mistakes and corrected those mistakes were increasingly likely to do better, learn more, and improve their memory in the process.
So, as difficult as it may be, adult kids allow themselves to take a step back. Though difficult, it will teach their parents a valuable lesson.
4. Refuse to feel responsible for their happiness
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It's tempting for adult kids to feel responsible for their parent's happiness. After spending most of their life catering to their parents and their needs, it's hard to suddenly stop and throw in the towel.
But despite the difficulty, having others depend on someone for happiness never ends well. According to a 2014 study, there is a positive relationship between emotional codependency and aggression. This type of dependency can lead to toxic behavior and mental exhaustion.
The best way for adult kids to stop taking part in this codependent dynamic is to communicate assertively and stand up for themselves, suggested psychotherapist Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW. Otherwise, their parents will continue to step over their adult kids without thinking twice about it.
RELATED: 10 Things Adult Children Don't Realize They Do To Make Their Parents Feel Unloved
5. Setting firm boundaries
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Most people hate to have the tough conversation of setting boundaries because, let's face it, setting boundaries isn't exactly an easy feat. According to YouGov, 49% of Americans identified as people pleasers. However, refusing to set boundaries only makes things worse.
A study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that not setting boundaries can lead to exhaustion if people aren't careful. The researchers observed a lack of boundaries in the workforce and found that blurred work-life balance tended to lead to a decrease in happiness and an increase in exhaustion.
If adult kids want to stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy then they need to begin by establishing much-needed limits. Having non-negotiable and negotiable boundaries is the first step to setting them. Furthermore, knowing what to do when those boundaries are crossed is essential to maintaining them.
Keeping it respectful when discussing boundaries and reflecting on why those boundaries matter to you are great steps to take.
6. Steering the conversation elsewhere
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Being a parentified child relationship isn't for the weak. Constantly listening to your parents' complaints and worries can make even the strongest of people stressed. According to a study published in The Tavistock Institute, someone experiencing stress can unintentionally transfer that stress to other people.
One-way adult kids can stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy is by steering the conversation elsewhere. For instance, if a parent is complaining about their relationship problems and they're continuing for way too long, an adult kid can switch the topic to something else by saying, "Oh yeah, I just remembered..."
The parent may still try to talk about the same old thing, but continuing to steer the conversation in other directions will eventually help the parent get the hint, without the adult kid having to say a word.
7. Encourage them to find healthier outlets
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It's tempting to want to vent to others when life hits you square in the face. However, encouraging healthy outlets should be the first priority.
According to a study published in Frontiers in Physiology, things like engaging in physical activity can help relieve stress. Everyone needs healthy outlets when their emotions get to be too much. Anger and sadness can only go on unaddressed for so long without turning destructive.
That said, parents can't always depend on their adult kids for help, which is why finding healthier outlets is the best option. After all, if they're able to have a healthier outlet then they are increasingly likely to depend on their child less for support. Instead, they can depend on friends their own age or an interesting hobby to help calm their nerves.
8. Focus on your own life
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It's easy for adult kids to wrap themselves up in their parents' life and problems. Feeling indebted and guilty, they'll intentionally ignore their own needs just to ensure that their parent's needs are taken care of. However, if an adult kid truly wants to stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy, then focusing on their own lives is a must.
According to licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin, this can be done by beginning to engage in relaxing activities that help ground them. Doing things like spending time alone to reflect on the past, exercising, meditating, gardening, or confiding in their own friends are all good ways to begin focusing on their own life, summarized Martin.
9. Slowly shift the narrative
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When adult kids want to stop parenting their parents, they'll need to slowly shift the narrative. As of now, their parents depend on them for emotional support, and likely, every problem they ever had is met with, "I don't know, what would you do?"
To shift the narrative, slowly start to make it a combined effort. Ask them, "What do you think," and then stem off of their idea. If they say, "I don't know," then simply ask them how they feel about the situation.
The main goal here isn't to change their mind or even feed into their dependency. Rather, it's to slowly begin the process of depending on themselves for advice. And when an adult kid shifts the narrative and begins asking them these types of questions, it forces them to depend less on them and more on themselves.
10. Walk away when it gets to be too much
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Finally, there's only so much an adult kid can take before it begins to be too much. And in the case of dealing with a narcissistic or delusional parent, it might already begin to feel like too much. As a result, it's best to walk away rather than get caught up in trying to find solutions. Otherwise, an adult child risks their mental health.
That said, walking away isn't always easy. Having the courage to say, "I need to go," can be hard when an adult kid hears their parents panicked outbursts or their demeaning words. However, it's important to remember that in order for adult kids to stop parenting their own parents they need to be willing to stand firm in their boundaries, otherwise all of this is pointless.
So, the next time a parent is getting to be too much simply say, "Sorry, I have to go now, but we'll talk again soon." Though it might come off as 'cold' eventually the parent in question will begin to get the hint and slowly start ceasing their toxic behavior.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers topics such as self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology.