11 Signs Your Partner Doesn’t Fully Trust You, Even When You've Done Nothing Wrong
Is it you or is it an old story from their past?
Dragos Condrea | Canva Few things feel as disheartening as realizing your partner doesn’t fully trust you. It can manifest in subtle ways—like an extra question about your whereabouts—or in glaring, painful ways, like accusations or emotional distance. But before jumping to conclusions, it’s crucial to step back and ask: Is my partner’s behavior a red flag signaling that this isn’t the right relationship? Or is this an opportunity to deepen our connection by understanding what’s really at play?
11 signs your partner doesn’t trust you, even though you may have done nothing wrong
1. They frequently check up on you
Africa Studio via Shutterstock
To help you figure out the source of these issues, I suggest using a tool that involves asking yourself four questions, as shown in these examples.
Example: Lisa’s boyfriend called her multiple times when she was out with friends. At first, she saw it as caring, but over time, she realized it stemmed from his experience of being cheated on. Together, they set healthier communication expectations.
- Inward Reflection: Am I misinterpreting their actions as control when they simply need reassurance? Am I projecting my discomfort with being accountable? Am I assuming they don’t deem me trustworthy, or do I truly feel like I’m not fully transparent?
- Outside Reflection: Are they overly anxious due to past betrayals? Do they tend to pull away when things get emotionally close? Do they seem uncomfortable relying on others or hesitant to express their feelings? Do they seem to struggle with trust in general? Are they looking for control over me rather than connection?
- Discover the Truth: Have a conversation about why they feel the need to check in frequently—listen without defense. If it’s about past wounds, explore whether you are willing to accommodate their healing. If it's controlling, this could be a red flag.
- Healthiest Response: Set clear agreements around communication expectations that feel good for both of you. If their behavior stems from their fears, encourage self-reflection rather than over-accommodation.
2. They get defensive or secretive about their actions
brizmaker via Shutterstock
Example: Dan noticed his girlfriend, Liz, became defensive when asked about her weekends. After a conversation, he learned she had always been fiercely independent, not secretive.
- Inward Reflection: Am I assuming secrecy when they simply prefer privacy? Do I have an unmet need for transparency that I haven’t communicated?
- Outside Reflection: Are they truly withholding something harmful? Are they evading conversations where openness would be expected?
- Discover the Truth: Ask curious, open-ended questions rather than accusing? If they consistently resist transparency on important matters, explore why. An inviting and gentle way to approach is to simply say, "I'm curious, why this is a sensitive subject for you?"
- Healthiest Response: Express your need for openness and see if they are willing to meet you halfway. If not, reflect on whether their level of secrecy aligns with what you desire in a relationship.
3. They question your intentions even in small matters
Krakenimages.com via Shuttestock
Example: Jenna’s boyfriend always second-guessed why she was late from work. It wasn’t about her—he had been blindsided by a cheating ex.
- Inward Reflection: Am I being vague or unclear in a way that leaves room for doubt? Do I secretly feel guilty about something?
- Outside Reflection: Are they projecting past wounds? Have they been deceived before, or are they generally suspicious of people?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them directly what fuels their doubts. Explore whether their doubts stem from past experiences or something in the present. They may not be aware of their skepticism.
- Healthiest Response: Clarify any misunderstandings, but also share your boundaries if their doubts become unfounded accusations. Get an agreement about how to communicate moving forward.
4. They struggle to believe your words without proof
MDV Edwards via Shutterstock
Example: Mark was hurt when his wife asked to check his phone. He later learned her ex-husband had hidden an affair, making her overly cautious.
- Inward Reflection: Do I tend to stretch the truth, even in small ways? Have I given any reason for them to doubt me?
- Outside Reflection: Have they experienced dishonesty in past relationships? Are they controlling or afraid of vulnerability?
- Discover the Truth: Observe if they apply this doubt to everyone or just you. A history of being lied to can make someone skeptical, but a pattern of distrust toward only you could mean they are sensing something real.
- Healthiest Response: Offer reassurance, but don’t overcompensate — they must work through their insecurities too.
5. They get jealous easily, even without reason
fizkes via Shutterstock
Example: Emma’s husband would get upset when she mentioned male colleagues. When they discussed it, he admitted that his ex had left him for a coworker, which was fueling his insecurity.
- Inward Reflection: Am I unintentionally engaging in behavior that might trigger insecurity? Am I downplaying my partner’s emotions, dismissing valid concerns as jealousy?
- Outside Reflection: Do they feel unseen or unvalued? Is their jealousy rooted in past betrayals, or is it a controlling behavior?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them what specific actions make them feel insecure. Listen for whether their concerns are about you, or their past.
- Healthiest Response: Provide reassurance where appropriate, but set boundaries if their jealousy becomes possessive or accusatory. Be sure to get a clear agreement that they will honor those boundaries.
6. They accuse you of things without evidence
charnsitr via Shutterstock
Example: Chris’s girlfriend frequently accused him of flirting with other women. He later learned that her last partner had been unfaithful, leaving her suspicious in every relationship.
- Inward Reflection: Am I engaging in any behaviors that might be misinterpreted?
- Outward Reflection: Are they projecting past betrayals onto you?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them how their fears originated and what would help them feel more secure.
- Healthiest Response: Set clear methods around communication. Judgments, conclusions, and accusation without quality inquiry first can never be excusable.
7. They compare you to people who have betrayed them
Krakenimages.com via Shutterstock
Example: Mia’s boyfriend often compared her to his cheating ex. After addressing it, he realized he had to work on letting go of past pain.
- Inward Reflection: Have I unintentionally reinforced any patterns from their past relationships? Am I hyper-sensitive because I have betrayed someone in my past?
- Outward Reflection: Are they projecting unresolved pain from past betrayals, or simply being overly cautious to present a repeat experience?
- Discovering the Real Truth Through Inquiry: Ask if they are aware of how their comparisons affect the relationship.
- Healthiest Response: Acknowledge their fears but remind them that every relationship is unique. Without attempting to defend yourself, ask them to share specifically how your behavior seems similar so that both of you can look closer at the issue.
8. They withhold important information from you
Krakenimages.com via Shutterstock
Example: Bree noticed her boyfriend wouldn’t tell her about big decisions. When they talked, she realized he was afraid of being judged for his choices.
- Inward Reflection: Do I have intimacy issues? Am I courageous in how I share and inviting for my partner to be the same? Do I judge and conclude quickly with my partner or in general, making them hesitant to share?
- Outward Reflection: Are they secretive due to past experiences or an avoidance of conflict? Do they lack confidence in some areas that they are working on, but not there yet? Do they feel they must be perfect for me and share only what they know I will like?
- Discover the Truth: Instead of assuming deception, ask how they feel about transparency in relationships. Ask them where they are uncomfortable sharing, and why?
- Healthiest Response: Foster a space where honesty feels safe, without fear of judgment. Express that you know we can be messy humans, you are not looking for perfection, and see the more difficult things to share as opportunities for your greatest growth together.
9. They test you
Bobex-73 via Shutterstock
Example: Steven’s girlfriend would intentionally create situations to see if he’d remain loyal. Once they discussed it, she admitted she had unresolved trust issues from a past relationship.
- Inward Reflection: Do I feel like I constantly need to prove myself? Are there areas where I feel insignificant or not good enough? Are there times when I have not followed through or let them or myself down?
- Outward Reflection: Are they testing me due to past betrayals or personal insecurities? Are they valuing our relationship based on the things I do and not on who and how I am?
- Discover the Truth: Ask if they feel they must test a person to be sure they are who they make themself out to be. Check to see if they keep a scorecard of activities and contributions, and if they must equally contribute in all areas. How do they keep score, and why?
- Healthiest Response: Reassure them when necessary. Discuss what is most important to each of you in your partnership, and how you will each know it is so.
Explain that the only testing you are good with are ones that you both agree on and desire for each other.
10. They frequently bring up your past mistakes
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
Example: Ethan noticed that no matter how much time had passed, his girlfriend always brought up a mistake he made early in their relationship. When he finally asked why, she admitted she was still afraid it would happen again, despite his efforts to rebuild his reliability.
- Inward Reflection: Have I taken full responsibility for my past mistakes, or do I still carry guilt that influences our interactions?
- Outward Reflection: Are they bringing up the past as a way to maintain control, protect themselves, or because they haven't fully healed? Do they intend to be helpful but lack the skills to communicate in a productive and supportive way?
- Discover the Truth: Ask why they continue to reference past mistakes. Are there any unresolved issues or resentments they need to clear? Are there any past experiences they're struggling to trust that things have changed?
- Healthiest Response: Acknowledge any past missteps, emphasizing that what has happened can help us grow or it can destroy us. It is how we live in the present and plan for the future that matters now.
11. They need constant reassurance
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock
Example: Ava’s boyfriend frequently asked if she still cared about him, even after months of a stable relationship. When they talked, he admitted that his last partner left suddenly, making him fear abandonment even when there was no reason to.
- Inward Reflection: Have I been consistent in my actions and words, or have I unintentionally given mixed signals? Am I not getting enough reassurance and waiting for my partner to take the lead?
- Outward Reflection: Do they feel insecure because of past experiences, or do they naturally struggle with self-worth? Do they feel I don't provide them with reassurances and are waiting for me to express my level of commitment first or more often?
- Discover the Truth: Ask them what makes them feel most secure in a relationship. Are their needs reasonable? Are mine? Are either of us seeking validation that no one can truly provide for us?
- Healthiest Response: Provide reassurances when necessary, but also encourage healthy independence so that security isn’t entirely dependent on external affirmation.
Trust Is a two-way street.
Mistrust in a relationship is painful, but it’s also an invitation to examine deeper truths — about ourselves, our partners, and what we truly need in a relationship. Often, mistrust reveals old wounds that need healing.
Other times, it highlights an incompatibility we can’t ignore. By looking inward, observing outward behavior, practicing true inquiry by not attempting to prove right or wrong, good or bad, and staying open to discovery, we can respond healthily, and give ourselves the best chance at either strengthening our relationship or recognizing when it’s time to move on.
Which of these signs have you noticed in your relationship? More importantly, what have they taught you about yourself?
Larry Michel is a relationship coach & founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics and author of LASTING: 11 Illuminations & Essential Questions for a Co-Creative Evolutionary Partnership, Larry’s science uncovers how people's unique genetic coding drives every relationship decision, including who they are drawn to as partners.