How To Get Your Defensive Partner To Stop Shouting & Start Listening, According To A Psychologist
As hard as it is, the difficult conversations must be had.
Zamrznuti tonovi | Shutterstock Conflict can be intimidating, right? When you fight with your partner most of us crack under the pressure. But, can you blame us?
Let's face it, arguments are overwhelming. Whether snapping in anger or completely shutting down most people struggle to turn conflict into a productive conversation. It doesn't have to be this way.
Here's how to get your defensive partner to stop shouting & start listening, according to a psychologist
Psychologist Dr. Amanda Hanson discusses the best way to talk to your partner during conflict to avoid defensiveness.
1. Don't avoid topics
"So, often I hear from women that they can't really tell their partner how they're feeling, what it is that they need from the relationship, because, they tell me that the partner gets so upset and so defensive that it's not even worth it," begins Hanson.
But why? She explains it's because bringing up a problem almost always ends in a fight. Nobody wants to deal with more arguing. So, it's important to ask this question, "Is it better to stay silent to keep the peace?"
Hanson explains, "When you bring something to them, it's often because they are somehow feeling attacked. They are somehow feeling that they're not doing enough in the relationship." They're feeling like they can never get it right.
2. Begin with 'I' statements
You need to begin the conversation talking about yourself. Say, "I would really like to talk to you about some things that are happening to me in terms of this relationship," says Hanson.
Then, explain why you want to share it with them. Ideally, you'd want to come from a place of love and empathy, as supported in a 2014 study. Saying something like, "I really want to share this with you because I love you and our relationship, and I want to build an even stronger relationship and connection with you."
Notice how during the conversation you only stick to your feelings or use 'I statements to help lower your partner's defenses.
According to Boston University Medical Campus, "An "I" can help reduce blaming, accusations, and defensiveness. An “I” message can help you communicate your concerns, feelings, and needs without blaming others or sounding threatening. It helps you get your point across without causing the listener to shut down."
3. Keep talking and explaining
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Next, you want to continue by explaining the importance of having that conversation. Say something like, "I really want to share this with you because I know that if we want to build this connection we need to have this conversation."
4. Let them express how they feel
Then, you want to send them an invite to allow them to express their own emotions. You can say, "I also really want to hear how you're feeling because that truly matters to me. I want to hear about anything that's bothering you, that way we can work through these things together."
Being open, vulnerable, and positive will better help you set the stage for something productive. Research helps explain that it requires you to be in control of your emotions and to not approach the conversation with hostility or aggression.
Why is this important, what's the point of trying to have this conversation anymore?
As Hanson points out, "Because not talking about the things in your relationship is actually like the ticking time bomb, that eventually resentment builds, distance builds, and you get so far gone from each other it's really hard to get back."
As hard as it is, have the difficult conversations. Learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable and who knows, you might find your relationship is stronger than ever before.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.