11 Ways Couples Text That Cause Their Relationships To Fall Apart
Without realizing it, people use emotional distancing disguised as connection.
StrDr stock | Shutterstock We live in a world where entire relationships unfold on a screen. With a few taps, we can confess feelings, argue, make up, plan vacations, and even break up — all without saying a single word out loud. Texting feels like the ultimate convenience, but beneath this digital illusion of connection, something critical is missing.
According to Mehrabian’s Communication Model only 7% of our communication is the words we speak—or text. The other 93% is through our tonality, facial expressions, body language, and energy. When we rely on text messages, we strip away nearly everything that makes human interaction meaningful. Add in the science that different people process communication in vastly different ways (thanks to their genetic energetics blueprint), suddenly 96.5% of what we actually mean is lost in translation.
That's why, when a relationship is struggling, we can look to our text messages for answers.
11 ways the way people text is causing their relationships to suffer
1. They avoid real conversations
Texting allows us to dodge difficult or emotional conversations that require true presence. Instead of facing problems head-on, we hide behind our screens, making misunderstandings worse.
- Example: Jamie and Alex have been together for six months, but every time a serious topic comes up—like plans or disagreements—Jamie responds with vague texts or emojis. Instead of resolving issues, they avoid them entirely, leaving Alex frustrated and confused.
2. Emotional connection stays on the surface
Some people intentionally use texting to keep emotional intimacy at arm’s length. It allows them to interact without the vulnerability of eye contact, voice fluctuations, or spontaneous emotional depth. It’s the digital equivalent of keeping a relationship in limbo and just close enough to feel connected but far enough to avoid true emotional risk.
- Example: Chris enjoys texting their new romantic interest, Riley, but refuses to take calls or meet in person often. Riley starts noticing that Chris only engages when things stay light and fun but pulls back when conversations get deep. Eventually, Riley realizes that texting is Chris’s way of keeping emotional distance while still enjoying the illusion of closeness.
3. Their tone is too easy to misinterpret
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A simple "K" or "Sure" can ignite an argument when the receiver misreads the tone. Without vocal cues, we fill in the blanks with assumptions, often the worst possible ones.
- Example: Taylor texts “We need to talk.” to Jordan. Jordan instantly panics, thinking the worst—maybe they’re breaking up? Maybe Taylor is mad? In reality, Taylor just wanted to discuss weekend plans, but the lack of tone made the message feel ominous.
4. They ghost or fade out too often
Instead of honest goodbyes, people vanish mid-conversation or take longer and longer to reply until the relationship dissolves into digital dust. The lack of closure can be emotionally brutal.
- Example: Sam and Casey go on three great dates, and Sam thinks there’s potential. Suddenly, Casey starts taking longer to reply, eventually disappearing altogether. Sam is left wondering what went wrong, checking their phone for a reply that never comes.
5. Their texts create the illusion of connection
Texting creates the illusion of connection without actual depth. We may share personal details, but without real-time emotional engagement, these interactions lack true substance, as suggested by a study in Computers in Human Behavior.
- Example: Olivia and Ethan text all day, sharing jokes, flirty messages, and even personal stories. Olivia starts feeling deeply connected—until they meet in person and realize there’s zero real chemistry. The “relationship” existed only in a digital fantasy world.
6. They overthink every response (or lack of response)
“Why did they take 3 hours to respond?” “What does this emoji mean?” “Are they ignoring me?” The waiting game of texting breeds unnecessary anxiety and over-analysis.
- Example: After texting “Good night” to their partner, Morgan notices it was read but got no response. Their mind spirals: Did I say something wrong? Are they upset? Are they losing interest? Morgan barely sleeps, only to find out in the morning that their partner simply fell asleep.
7. They text sarcastic or passive-aggressive responses
Texting makes it easy to be sarcastic, petty, or passive-aggressive without immediate consequences. The result? Small conflicts that snowball into major fights.
- Example: After an argument, Leo texts his girlfriend, “It’s fine.” She replies, “Okay.” Neither of them is fine, but instead of discussing it, they exchange passive-aggressive one-word responses, letting resentment build.
8. They 'emotion dump' without accountability
People vent via text without considering the recipient's emotional bandwidth. Unlike in-person conversations, where we gauge responses, text messages can overwhelm without warning.
9. They multitask when they should be connecting
We text while driving, working, or socializing with others, dividing our attention so much that we’re never truly present anywhere. It's a shortcut to accidents, misunderstandings, and missed moments.
- Example: During a dinner date, Ben keeps checking his phone and replying to texts from work. His partner, Ava, feels ignored, even though Ben insists he’s “listening.” In reality, his divided attention makes Ava feel unimportant.
10. They depend on instant gratification
We get addicted to immediate responses, reinforcing the need for constant validation. This dependency can harm personal growth and patience in relationships.
- Example: Jenna and Lucas text constantly throughout the day. When Lucas doesn’t reply within 10 minutes, Jenna spirals into insecurity, convinced something is wrong. She has become dependent on constant communication for validation, instead of feeling secure in the relationship.
11. They text important information they should be saying in person
Delivering life-altering news such as breakups, job losses, or deaths through text is the height of emotional cowardice. It robs people of the chance to process emotions with human connection.
- Example: After a year of dating, Dylan texts Sam, “I think we should break up. I need space.” No discussion, no closure—just a text that leaves Sam heartbroken and questioning everything.
As you read through these, how many were you able to personally relate to? Be Honest!
Texting bypasses 93% of communication
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Since words make up only 7% of communication, and genetic energetics amplifies differences in interpretation, 96.5% of their real message gets lost in text. This leaves us with less than 3.5% chance of being fully understood.
- Example: Erin is a figurative communicator, as described by an APA study, meaning they rely heavily on how something is said and the feeling that is conveyed far more than just the words. Their partner, Blake, is a structural communicator, meaning they focus on words alone. Erin texts, “Oh great, you’re late again” with an eye-roll emoji. Blake reads it as sarcasm but isn’t sure if Erin is playfully teasing or mad. Erin, expecting Blake to pick up on their humor, gets frustrated when Blake responds defensively.
Are there better digital alternatives?
Texting may be the most common form of communication, but it’s not the only digital option. Many people turn to voice messages or video calls to enhance their connection—but even these come with challenges.
- Voice Messages bring tone and emotion into a conversation, but they can be frustrating for the recipient—especially when they’re long, hard to replay, get delivered at a challenging time, or contain important details that get lost.
- Video Calls allow people to see and hear each other in real time, making them one of the best digital alternatives to in-person conversations. When used regularly, they help friendships and relationships feel more alive, personal, and intimate.
However, not everyone is comfortable with this level of closeness. Sometimes, when a connection grows deeper through video calls, one person pulls back—not by ending the relationship, but by switching back to texting. And that’s where our final Horrific reason comes in.
Two times text messages are better
Quick and efficient coordination
Need to confirm plans, send an address, or share an urgent update? Texting is unbeatable for fast logistics without unnecessary small talk.
- Example: “Hey, can you pick up milk on the way home?” “Let’s meet at 6 at Joe’s Coffee.” No need for a phone call—just a quick text to confirm plans.
Bridging distance in long-term relationships
When used wisely, texting can sustain relationships across long distances by maintaining a sense of daily connection, as shown in an article from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Thoughtful messages, voice notes, and check-ins help reinforce bonds when real meetings aren't possible.
- Example: Sofia is traveling abroad for work, but she and her partner send good morning and good night texts every day. They also send voice notes and occasional surprise pictures, keeping their connection alive despite the distance.
The illusion of connection and what we actually need
Texting is fast, easy, and always within reach—but it’s also one of the biggest culprits in creating distance disguised as closeness. It lets us say just enough to feel engaged while stripping away the very things that make human connection meaningful: tone, energy, body language, and presence.
This doesn’t mean we should abandon texting entirely. It has its place—just not as a replacement for real conversation. If we rely on it for deep connection, we set ourselves up for misunderstandings, emotional distance, and lost opportunities to truly know each other.
Fortunately, there are better ways to bridge the gap. Voice messages add warmth and tone, though they can sometimes frustrate the recipient with missed details or poor timing. Video calls go even further, bringing back the full spectrum of connection—tone, expression, and presence.
When words alone aren’t enough, seeing and hearing each other makes all the difference.
The real takeaway? We get to choose the quality of our connections. If we want depth, clarity, and real emotional connection, we have to be intentional about how we communicate. Texting may keep conversations going, but it’s not what keeps relationships alive.
So next time you reach for your phone, ask yourself: Am I texting to connect—or to avoid true connection? The difference is everything.
Larry Michel is the founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics, a typology to help us love more fully and connect more deeply. He is the Author of a new book LASTING: 11 Illuminations & Essential Questions for a Co-Creative Evolutionary Partnership. And he is also a world-renowned relationship coach who works with people across the globe to find the greatest joy, inspiration, growth, abundance, and excitement in their relationships.