Women Who Remain Unfazed When Their Partner Is Being Critical Always Do These 5 Things
You don't have to be a pushover to avoid taking their opinions personally.
Jacob Lund via Shutterstock An overly critical spouse is like a hurricane, striking with criticism that can devastate and silence a partner. Some partners are negative by nature, not realizing the harm they cause while others know and criticize their partner anyway.
Regardless of the "why", there are a few powerful ways women can handle an overly critical partner, while still setting healthy boundaries.
Women who are unfazed by a critical partner do these five things
1. They remember who they are — and their value
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What do you need to be able to stay calm and not react when your spouse is seemingly overly critical?
The worst thing you can do is react with an equally critical comeback. Then, it becomes a childlike interaction where hurtful insults are flying back and forth until one retreats from the frustration and pain.
What can you do? Gear up for the proverbial storm — put on your raincoat and galoshes, grab the umbrella, and stand in the rain. Thank them for the feedback, and walk away.
What you've just done is take away their power in the moment, and you have protected your energy. You have successfully avoided taking the criticism personally and making it a fight.
2. They understand their spouse's deep motivation
Critical people are critical for a reason.
Typically, they were "criticized" as a child by someone who was in authority over them. They have internalized it as rejection — a deep, emotional hurt for a child — and as an adult, they adopted the critical role as a defense for their ego.
Critical people tend to have low self-worth and easily feel undervalued by others. So, what may seem like a small thing for them to criticize allows them to feel superior to you.
Even though they hold you in higher esteem, this seemingly small "thing" of how you leave your socks on the floor by the bed, can become a point of great contention as it gives them something to criticize.
It’s never really about the "thing" — there’s always a "thing behind the thing". Steven Berglas, a faculty member in the Psychiatry Department at Harvard, gave this a name: "If You Spot It, You Got It [IYSIYGI]," noting that people who need to criticize often do so when they spot something they are afraid they've got. In other words, they're projecting their own insecurities and fears onto others.
3. They try to hear the truth
When you understand your spouse and know yourself, you can listen from a place of empathy without judgment, which will allow you to hear unfiltered. This empathy can go a long way in all aspects of relationships, too. A study out of San Diego State University "show[ed] that individuals’ abilities to be understanding, compassionate, and sympathetic may be related to the overall feeling of satisfaction and love in romantic relationships."
The filter of judgment can be removed as you accept that there is a reason your spouse is critical, and it isn’t their fault. The filter of defensiveness can be removed as you know that it has nothing to do with you
You can listen for what might be a plea for something that you can do differently that will improve the relationship in some way. Then, choose to do it because you want to do so without resentment or bitterness at the way it was brought up.
4. They express how they feel directly and clearly
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If their criticism is creating a path of destruction, you must intervene. To stop the destruction, you have to assert yourself.
During a time of conflict is not the best time. However, you're responsible to allow your spouse to understand how you feel during these storms, so find a peaceful time to have a heart-to-heart.
Remembering who they are and that their ego is somewhat fragile, remember to choose your words wisely. Without blaming or demeaning them, talk about your feelings.
You must be truthful and communicate that, "when they say (give example), you feel (give example)." Tell them how important the relationship is to you, how much you care for them, and that you want to survive this. And so, effort must be made.
Know that allowing them to understand does not mean they will have the ability to understand.
5. They seek help and don't let critical partners cross their boundaries
Recognize that you are dealing with an overly critical spouse who did not become that way overnight. They may have done an amazing job at hiding it from you for a while, but the roots were deeply below the surface of their smile.
You may have or have had an incredible ability at coping and tolerating so far, but you will not be able to make them "get it," and you may wear down eventually.
As long as you remain the boundary-less safe place for them to dump heavy rain and blowing winds, they will. It becomes your personal disturbance pattern.
We cannot change another person, but we can have influence. Try to influence them to get help. Be willing to work on the relationship as a couple. It may feel safer and less "critical" to start there. Most critical people don't see themselves as critical. And, believe me, if they criticize you, they beat themselves up regularly.
While it is often hurtful, their criticism is not about you. It is a learned protective defense and it disguises feelings and fears from long before they met you. If you choose to understand them, know yourself, hear truths, express your feelings, and seek help.
You can do more than survive — you can come through this stronger and better as individuals — and as a couple.
Ann Papayoti, PCC, is a relationship coach, author, speaker, and host of the podcast, Soul CPR Healing Out Loud. She helps people untangle from their past and heal their hearts.