11 Signs You're Dealing With An Emotionally Unhinged Person, According To Psychology
It's all an act at first, until they reveal their true selves.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Being emotional is a core part of the human experience. It's not easy to exist in our feelings, but it's what gives life meaning and keeps us connected to one another. There's nothing wrong with feeling big feelings, but how you approach those feelings has a profound impact on your relationships and your sense of self.
When you understand your triggers, you can express your feelings in a healthy way, which is essential for staying emotionally balanced. When someone gets so swept up by big feelings that they inflict psychological damage onto others, it's indicative of the signs you're dealing with an emotionally unhinged person, and they are slowly dropping the act to reveal who they truly are.
Here are 11 signs you're dealing with an emotionally unhinged person, according to psychology
1. They have intense mood swings
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An emotionally unhinged person will have intense mood swings. They'll seem totally fine, but one minute later, they'll be crying inconsolably for no clear reason. Those extreme emotional shifts often lead them to lash out at the people they care about, which eventually erodes their relationships.
At the height of a mood swing, an emotionally unhinged person might struggle to re-regulate, but over time, they can develop habits that help them stay centered and find emotional balance. Psychologist Nick Wignall described emotional balance as "the ability to not get overwhelmed by your painful feelings."
"Thinking is the engine of emotion," he revealed. "If you want more balanced emotions, you need more balanced thoughts." Wignall also noted that emotionally triggering thoughts can knock people off balance, making them feel out of control, yet he pointed out that "just because your thoughts are sometimes out of your control doesn't mean they always are."
"While you often can't control an initial thought that pops into your mind, you can always control how you think about that thought or how you respond to it," he explained. "Emotionally balanced people are experts in letting go of thoughts that amplify their emotions."
"Letting go is hard," Wignall acknowledged. "It takes practice and patience to get better at it. But once you do... you'll find that your feelings are much calmer and less volatile."
2. They overreact to minor setbacks
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When things don't go exactly as they planned, an emotionally unhinged person will have a major meltdown. Their frustration tolerance is so low that they get set off by every little inconvenience.
Their reaction is always out of proportion to whatever's going on around them. It could be an insignificant, everyday experience, like hitting traffic or having to wait in line, but they'll explode with anger.
Getting angry isn't always a bad thing, but an emotionally unhinged person's anger manifests in hostile, aggressive ways.
"If someone takes every small comment personally or becomes verbally abusive, this could be a sign of underlying anger," certified grief coach Pamela Aloia explained. "Being in a constant state of anger is a much deeper and darker emotion that could destroy everything around us as well as ourselves — over time."
An emotionally unhinged person's anger can quickly turn into an all-consuming rage. They lose any sense of compassion and turn toxic, allowing their out-of-control anger to fuel every decision. They cut ties and burn bridges, leaving nothing but ash in their wake.
As Aloia revealed, "Anyone who is stuck in long-term anger may have the potential to lose who they are and what they have to anger." The deeper a person's anger goes, the more difficult it is to release it. When an emotionally unhinged person makes a home out of their rage, they push other people away.
3. They get irrationally jealous
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Of all the signs you're dealing with an emotionally unhinged person, how they handle jealousy can be a bright red flag. Relationship and life coach Dona Murphy pointed out that "Feeling a little jealous in your romantic relationship is normal. It's one way of showing that we love and value our significant other," yet "destructive jealousy stems from insecurity and/or the need to control another person."
Feeling jealous doesn't automatically make a person emotionally unhinged, but acting on that jealousy does. There's a very thin line between feeling jealous and tearing a relationship to shreds. As Murphy shared, "extreme jealousy is ugly and frightening."
"Jealous feelings can be a trigger for growth in healthy relationships. They can become the first step in increased self-awareness and greater understanding," Murphy explained.
When people are able to navigate their feelings with compassion and grace, jealousy can be an open door to walk through, an entry point for a couple to be vulnerable and get closer.
4. They're impulsive
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For an emotionally unhinged person, acting impulsively is a way of life. As psychologist Guy Winch explained, "We all get bad ideas, but most of us can think them through, recognize they are risky, and then stop ourselves from doing them."
According to Winch, "impatience is wanting something to happen. Impulsivity is making it happen." He described impulsivity "as a predisposition toward acting in a rapid and unplanned way without considering the consequences."
"Psychologically speaking, impulsivity is more problematic," Winch continued. "Psychologists consider impulsivity to be pathological."
According to the International Journal of High Risk Behaviors, an impulsive person has a limited capacity for risk assessment. Because they have such a hard time pressing pause and summoning patience, they make decisions from an emotionally reactive place. Being impulsive puts routine feelings of impatience into potentially dangerous motion.
5. They hold grudges
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An emotionally unhinged person won't say that they're upset. Instead, they'll take passive-aggressive behavior to new heights. They're too emotionally immature to have a healthy approach to conflict management, so they'll tell you they're fine, then turn around and hold a grudge for the next ten years.
Being emotionally unhinged has turned them into a self-taught master of seething. They harbor simmering resentment for every single perceived slight that's ever been bestowed on them.
According to psychotherapist Diane Barth, being a grudge-holder comes down to "the personality they were born with, their experiences throughout their lives, and the ways they learned to deal with their feelings as they were growing up."
"Psychologically, someone holding a grudge may be punishing you not only for something you actually did in the here and now, but also for a wrong or series of wrongs done to them in the past," she explained. "In the end, a grudge is more about the problems of the person holding it than about the person who is the target."
6. They're emotionally manipulative
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At their core, an emotionally unhinged person is vindictive. They use manipulation as the main driver of every relationship they're in. They want to break you down, stripping away your self-confidence, turning you into a shell of who you once were.
Mental health experts at AbilityPlus described emotional manipulation as "a complex and damaging form of psychological control," noting that it can be so subtle, you don't realize what's happening until it's too late. "Manipulators exploit vulnerabilities, eliciting guilt or fear to sway others' decisions and actions for their benefit," they explained.
An emotionally unhinged person will tell you how much they love you, luring you in. They tell you that no one will ever love you like they do, preying on your insecurities. They gaslight and guilt-trip and deny your reality, so you believe them when they say that you're worthless.
Emotional manipulation puts you on edge, like you're waiting for something terrible to happen at all times. The more someone manipulates you, the deeper your sense of self-doubt becomes. Understanding the signs of emotional manipulation is the best defense against it.
"Recognizing the signs of emotional manipulation is like learning to listen to a silent alarm within ourselves, alerting us to potential harm in our interactions," AbilityPlus concluded.
7. They create drama
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One of the most glaring signs you're dealing with an emotionally unhinged person is their living, breathing embodiment of deceit. They say they hate drama, but they're always spreading rumors and stirring up conflict. They pretend to be laidback, but the truth is, they thrive on chaos.
For an emotionally unhinged person, inserting themselves into other people's business is their main source of entertainment. They have an innate talent for gaining people's trust and getting them to open up, but they have no intention of staying quiet.
After someone spills their guts and bares their soul, an emotionally unhinged person texts everyone they know. They don't see anything wrong with sharing secrets because their moral compass has no true north.
According to energy healer Christy Whitman, most people have a misguided approach to making their lives less dramatic. They don't understand that "trying to find the source of who is saying what and why... is only going to make it worse."
"Drama thrives on more drama," she explained. "Pain begets more pain. Combating negativity with negativity is the fastest way to create more of it."
Ultimately, the secret to a drama-free life is simpler than it seems: Release any expectation that you can control other people's behavior and "do your best to release your own emotionally charged thoughts and judgments."
"If you want less drama in your life, leave your drama at the door," Whitman concluded. "If you want peace, bring it with you everywhere you go."
8. They ignore your boundaries
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Boundaries are the basis of every healthy relationship. Setting boundaries is a way to hold onto your integrity, so that you don't get lost in your relationship. According to therapist Lianne Avila, "Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing your identity in a relationship. Boundaries mean finding balance [along with] compromise."
You can't set boundaries without self-respect, otherwise you'll fall into the trap of ignoring your own needs to please your partner. Boundaries let you love yourself and your partner at the same time, but an emotionally unhinged person insists that setting boundaries makes you selfish.
When you set boundaries, it lets your partner know what you're willing to tolerate and what you'll walk away from. By crossing your boundaries, an emotionally unhinged person erodes whatever trust your relationship was built on. It doesn't matter how often you reinforce your limits, they'll find new ways to push against them, just to see how far they can go.
9. They're dishonest
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You can't trust an emotionally unhinged person to actually tell you the truth. They're fully fluent in saying one thing and doing the exact opposite, without any consideration for your feelings. They put their whole chest into being dishonest, making promises they never intend to keep, then somehow making their failures your fault.
They'll do anything in their power to avoid owning up to their mistakes. They twist facts and exaggerate reality. Whenever they talk about their past, they leave out crucial details and gloss over the things they did wrong. Their ultimate goal is to make themselves look good, which means they have no trouble telling lies.
10. They love bomb you
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When you first start dating someone who's emotionally unhinged, they'll make you feel like the center of the universe. They'll text you nonstop and tell you that they've never met anyone like you before. They give you an endless stream of attention, and then they go cold for no reason, leaving you to wonder what went wrong.
According to therapist and author Crystal Jackson, being too affectionate, too fast is an unhealthy way to enter a relationship. That kind of constant attention isn't an indication of someone's true feelings, it's love bombing: A calculated, tried and true tactic to play with your emotions.
"It's a technique to secure their interest only," Jackson explained. "Once the other person is invested in the relationship, the love bombing usually fades into disinterest. Love bombers show their best selves until the relationship is secure. Then, you'll notice that they seem like someone else — distant, less affectionate, and less interested as time goes on."
Love bombing is a classic move for an emotionally unhinged person. Being their target is intoxicating, but they don't plan to stick around. Their affection is hollow. It's not designed to last.
11. They don't have long-term relationships
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Of all the signs you're dealing with an emotionally unhinged person, the way they act in relationships indicates that they're simply too volatile to maintain any lasting connections. They'll start dating someone new and say that they're the one, only for their romance to fizzle out a few weeks later. They jump from one friendship to another, burning through every connection they've ever made.
It's the kind of sign that's easy to overlook, but before long, you'll realize they have a pattern. Nothing is ever their fault. They blame everyone else for their behavior. They have an excuse for every failed relationship, every friend they had a falling out with.
It always comes down to something the other person did: Their ex was crazy, their former bestie was just jealous. They're too emotionally unhinged to feel responsible or recognize that they're the common denominator in every relationship that went up in smoke.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.