11 Signs A Man Is Emotionally Exhausted But Pretending To Be OK
Men are taught to stay strong, even when they're struggling.
Vladyslav Horoshevych | Shutterstock From a young age, boys are taught to push their emotions away. They spend their formative years absorbing the message that expressing their feelings makes them appear weak, and their ability to regulate their emotions suffers. By the time they grow into men, they’ve kept their feelings bottled up for so long that they lack the language and internal resources to process their emotions in healthy ways.
Men try to stay strong, even when they’re struggling. It’s not always easy for their loved ones to recognize the signs a man is emotionally exhausted but pretending to be okay, yet the more tuned in they are, the more supportive they can be.
Here are 11 signs a man is emotionally exhausted but pretending to be okay:
1. He’s less productive than usual
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When a man is emotionally exhausted but pretending to be OK, he’s less productive at work than usual. As he struggles to manage his chronic stress, he’ll have a hard time focusing on important tasks. He’s under so much pressure to hold it all together that certain things start to slip away from him. He might blame his lack of productivity on other factors, like being burnt out, without realizing that those two things are connected.
According to executive coach Monique Valcour, emotional exhaustion is a core aspect of burnout.
“As your emotional resources are used up in trying to cope with challenging situations… your sense of well-being and capacity to care for yourself and others is diminished,” she explained. As his performance at work suffers, his ability to stay present for his family suffers, too. The toll of his emotional exhaustion negatively impacts his professional and personal life.
Valcour revealed that coming back from emotional exhaustion “requires a combination of three approaches: reducing the drain on your emotional resources, learning to conserve them, and regularly replenishing them.”
By committing to a practice of self-care, an emotionally exhausted man can build up a sense of resilience that can help him manage future challenges.
2. He uses humor as a defense mechanism
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A man who’s emotionally exhausted will do everything in his power to seem like he’s OK. When people ask how he’s doing, he’ll brush them off, using humor to deflect any deeper questions. He’ll crack jokes and make fun of himself because he lacks effective emotional expression tools.
Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher pointed out that men learn to use humor as a defense mechanism as teenagers. Being vulnerable is too risky, so they “use ‘joke-speak,’ masking their real emotions with humor.” Emotionally exhausted men want to be OK, even when they’re not, so they keep things lighthearted, even when they feel overwhelmed by darkness.
3. He’s hyper-independent
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Men have a hard time asking for help under the best circumstances, and they’re even less likely to lean on others when they’re emotionally exhausted but pretending to be OK. They believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Their self-reliance becomes extreme. They refuse to admit that they’re struggling and insist on doing everything independently.
According to a study titled “Men, Work, and Mental Health,” men are reluctant to seek out mental health due to “traditional masculine norms and the stigma associated with mental illness.” The researchers noted that while there’s a higher prevalence of depression in women, men are dealing with “lower levels of mental health literacy than women.”
As a result, they’re less likely to talk about mental health, visit their doctor, or rely on mental health services. Their hyper-independence and fear of being judged keep them from getting the help they need.
4. He’s angrier than usual
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When a man ignores his emotional exhaustion, it tends to show up in other areas of his life. He might pretend to be okay, but the feelings he’s pushing aside will rise one way or another. His frustration tolerance will decrease, and little things will bother him more than usual, leading to angry outbursts.
According to a survey from career resource site MyPerfectResume, men and women express stress differently. When women feel burnt out at work, they tend to withdraw. When men feel burnt out, they grow “more prone to vocal outbursts.” They lose their temper, yell, and threaten to resign.
Pretending to be OK can cause their inner rage to explode outward, which isn’t healthy for them or the people around them.
5. He has a cynical attitude
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A cynical attitude is another sign that a man is emotionally exhausted but pretending to be okay. He uses sarcasm as a buffer to hide his real feelings. He feels hopeless and uninspired, and he only sees the worst in everyone he interacts with.
According to the Maslach Burnout Inventory, three factors indicate burnout: mental and physical exhaustion, cynicism, and inefficiency. Cynicism involves feeling irritable, having a negative outlook, and withdrawing from other people and routine activities. Whatever sense of joy and fulfillment he used to have in his life seems to disappear as he sinks deeper into despair.
6. He’s emotionally detached
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Withdrawing from his closest relationships is a sign a man is emotionally exhausted but pretending to be OK. No matter how much he loves someone, he’ll pull away and put up walls. He thinks he has to be the strong, silent type, and he doesn’t realize how much harm that idea causes him.
Therapist and trauma coach Logan Cohen revealed that emotional detachment often means that a man is seriously struggling, even though he seems OK on the surface.
“While it might not seem like a big deal, emotional stoicism [and] restriction can be seen as a factor of ‘toxic masculinity’ when it keeps us from meeting our own loved and belonging needs, which is one of the most prominent protective factors against male suicide,” he explained.
His estrangement from loved ones reveals just how unwell he truly is. The deeper his depression becomes, an emotionally exhausted man will become more isolated, which can make it even harder for him to heal.
7. He loses touch with people
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It’s not uncommon for an emotionally exhausted man to lose touch with the people he cares about most. He might stop answering texts and ignore calls. He’ll turn down invitations to hang out, even from his best friends. He’ll essentially go silent and drift away from his loved ones.
Other times, his disappearance is more abrupt. He’ll ghost people by default because he’s too overwhelmed to stay connected to his social circle. His sense of guilt and shame from dropping out of people’s lives often compounds, making it hard for him to get back in touch.
8. He stops being affectionate
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A man’s emotional exhaustion can create a sense of physical distance between him and his partner. He’s so lost in his turmoil that he stops being affectionate. Relationship expert Nicola Beer described a lack of affection as “a disturbance in your relationship where physical closeness is not as strong anymore or as desired as before.”
“Affection in a relationship is essential because it helps romantic partners bond and feel closer to each other through intimacy,” she explained. “Touch and affection are so important in maintaining a healthy relationship.”
“Lack of affection in a relationship can cause serious damage, and it may be a sign you and your partner have grown apart… It could mean that they are experiencing changes in their mental health or there is an unresolved issue in your relationship,” she shared.
When a man is too emotionally exhausted to be affectionate, his partner might worry that their relationship is falling apart, which is why it is so important to be as open and communicative as possible.
9. He avoids deep conversations
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Keeping conversations on the surface level is a sign a man is emotionally exhausted but pretending to be okay. He’s stretched too thin to analyze or assess his relationships, so he shuts out the people he loves. He might overreact when his partner asks how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking because he doesn’t know how to answer.
Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher offered her perspective on why men strongly dislike being asked what they think.
“Men are, by and large, more ‘emotionally contained’ than women are,” which means that “men are not as comfortable sharing their intimate world,” she explained. “Men also suffer more from ‘emotional flooding.’ When men get angry or sad, they are more likely to lose control and go beyond what they regard as appropriate.”
While avoiding deep conversations might work for a little while, at some point, an emotionally exhausted man’s true feelings will overflow, which can seriously damage his relationships.
10. He doesn’t plan for the future
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When a man feels emotionally exhausted, he’ll lose track of the direction he wants his life to go. He’ll be so consumed by his inner turmoil that he stops making plans for the future. He’s so unhappy that he loses all sense of agency over his life. He stops making big decisions until he’s sinking even lower into his despair.
He stops planning for the future because he feels too hopeless to think about what it might look like. He can’t see past the tough times or project himself into what his life might be like once he feels better. He’s not sure he’ll ever feel better. He thinks his emotional exhaustion is permanent, and he loses his drive and determination to make his life better.
11. He’s indifferent to things he once cared about
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Apathy is a sign that a man is emotionally exhausted but still pretending to be okay. He loses interest in the things that used to make him happy, stops putting effort into his hobbies and relationships, and becomes more withdrawn because he feels so indifferent.
He can’t seem to summon any sense of joy. He might go through the motions and try to stay connected to his passion projects, but his heart just isn’t in it. His life feels emptier than usual because he feels emptier than usual.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.