People Who Isolate Themselves From Friends & Family As They Get Older Usually Have These 10 Reasons
The thought of isolating yourself from your friends and family is painful for anyone, so when people take that step they usually have good reasons.
Novikov Alex / Shutterstock When you're still a child, it's easy to not notice how dysfunctional your friends or family may be. Most people grow up thinking that certain behaviors, such as being overly controlling or judgmental, are normal. However, as they grow up, become educated, meet a variety of types of people, and begin to form their own opinions, they may begin to see that the way things work in their family aren't all that healthy after all. It's natural that some people therefore isolate themselves from their friends and family as they get older and when they do, they usually have plenty of good reasons.
Having the strength to say goodbye, even if only temporarily, to the people who once were their whole world is an emotional journey for anyone, but when done for the right reasons, it might be the best chance they have to come out on the other side better than ever.
People who isolate themselves from friends and family as they get older usually have these 10 reasons
1. They feel emotionally exhausted
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People who isolate themselves from friends and family as they get older usually do so because they feel emotionally exhausted by all the drama. From family issues and speaking poorly about relatives to friends putting them in awkward situations, adults today have no patience for childish games or trivial disputes. As a result, they distance themselves from their friends and family, hanging out with them less or refusing to respond to their phone calls altogether.
This might seem like an immature approach, as talking through grievances is typically the best place to go. However, according to a study in 2014, the absence of positive social relationships often leads to an increase in mortality and morbidity.
Knowing this, people currently isolating themselves should feel zero remorse for protecting their peace. As much as they'd like to let bygones be bygones, sometimes, a loved one's negative behavior can rub off on those around them, impacting their mental health for the worse.
2. They fear judgment or criticism
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In an ideal world, parents, grandparents, and friends always show their love and support to their loved ones, no matter what. Hugging their loved ones close, most imagine their parents or friends will cheer them on regardless of their decisions. Unfortunately, reality sets in, and the same people who are meant to be the most supportive become their most prominent critics.
Now, to give them the benefit of the doubt, most loved ones genuinely have their best interest at heart. Wanting them to succeed and be happy, their 'judgment' is just concerned commentary. Yet, the same commentary meant to help their dearest friend or family member only hurts them more in the long run.
It's important to remember that human beings are social creatures and depend on their community to thrive. But what happens when that community is stripped of them through social rejection? According to the American Psychological Association, social rejection can influence emotional and physical health and increase aggression.
So, as much as people might have their loved one's best interest at heart, sometimes, it's better to lay low and show support instead. It will prevent social rejection or unintentional isolation and foster a relationship built on trust and positivity, strengthening their relationship later.
3. They are struggling with health issues
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Everyone's been in this kind of uncomfortable position before: they're visiting their family during the holidays when their grandma or aunt says the infamous, "You don't look well" line. Feeling humiliated and awkward, people who isolate themselves from friends and family as they get older may do so because they're struggling with health problems.
Health isn't consistent, from weight gain to weight loss. People will get sick, develop serious illnesses, or have their bodies changed as a result of puberty, medication, or stress. Unfortunately, friends and family alike don't always take these changes well.
For some, it's a change thing. For others, it's a concerning thing. If a loved one sees a rapid decline in health, they might be worried that something is seriously wrong, causing them to react without genuinely thinking about how their words hurt those around them.
Yet, these aren't the only reasons loved ones comment on their health. It's unfortunate, but those who have gained weight due to health issues truly understand how real and pervasive fat phobia is. According to the American Psychological Association, fat bias is so actual that even therapists and health professionals hold these biases. They cited a study published in Obesity Research, which found that psychologists use words such as 'lazy, stupid, and worthless' to describe obese patients.
Regardless of the reasoning, health changes are a real struggle for many people. If they feel they don't have a strong support system, they might unintentionally stray away from their loved ones, fearing their harsh words and sharp gazes.
4. They feel like they can't trust their loved ones
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Trust is the most significant way to solidify bonds and create safe spaces among friends and family, but people who isolate themselves from friends and family as they age often feel they can no longer trust their loved ones completely.
Trust is delicate and can easily be broken with a biting word or a questionable action. Yet, even the cruelest actions or words can be forgiven with a little effort. With a sincere apology and a behavior change, mending trust through hard work is possible. But the number of people willing to apologize and put in the work is far too few.
According to a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, people refuse to apologize to protect their self-esteem. Researchers found that those who refused to apologize experienced greater self-esteem than those who apologized. Not only that, but refusing to apologize also resulted in feelings of power and control.
With this in mind, people who isolate themselves can no longer stay in relationships that cause them to feel unsafe and unwelcome, causing them to distance themselves as they get older.
5. They have unresolved issues
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Someone is sitting across from their parents, reliving the tales of their childhood and laughing about the times they got in trouble. However, when discussions of trauma or unresolved issues come to the surface, most loved ones utter the infamous "That never happened" phrase, causing them to feel isolated.
As a result, people who isolate themselves from friends and family as they get older usually do this because of the unresolved issues they encounter throughout their adolescent years. From being made fun of by friends to being harshly disciplined by parents, people's inability to communicate is the downfall of most relationships.
However, this isn't shocking; communication is the key to most relationships. Unfortunately, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who engage in emotional suppression and never talk about their feelings unintentionally leave behind positive emotions while keeping the negative emotions intact.
So, is it uncomfortable to sit down and discuss trauma head-on? Yes. Is it awkward to put parents or friends on the spot for their bad behavior? However, discussing those issues is necessary if someone truly wants to grow and create a healthier relationship dynamic.
6. They don't have enough time to dedicate to these relationships
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As they age, people who isolate themselves from friends and family typically don't have much time to communicate. Let's face it: working overtime has become the new standard of living in the modern age. No longer having the time and energy to get proper sleep, let alone hang out with each other, has left most people feeling burnt out in the workplace.
According to the American Psychological Association, workplace burnout typically results from poor work-life balance and management. The APA also cited that people who experience workplace burnout tend to have a 57% increase in absence, a 180% risk of developing depression, an 84% risk of developing type two diabetes, and a 40% increased risk of developing hypertension.
As a result, people no longer have the time or energy to hang out or pick up the phone. Do they feel bad about it? Absolutely. However, they can't help themselves. With a million things to do, it can be easy to lose track of time, and because of this, they don't even realize they never responded to their family or friends until it's too late.
So, to avoid this, the APA suggested prioritizing self-care, setting boundaries such as refusing to answer texts after hours or leaving on time regardless of the work they accomplished, prioritizing social relationships outside of work, and regularly discussing if the workload assigned is reasonable or not.
7. They're experiencing financial problems
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Nobody wants to admit that they're struggling financially. Whether it's because they're ashamed to admit it or hate being vulnerable, saying, "Hey, I can't hang out because I'm broke," is most people's worst fear. In the case of family, not wanting to stress their parents or loved ones out is another reason people isolate themselves from friends and family as they age; they're experiencing financial constraints.
Life has become increasingly expensive, and people face challenges they never thought possible. From costly eggs to the inability to afford a home, financial insecurity has negatively impacted people's mental health. According to a study in 2022, financial stress is linked to depression.
Still, just because someone is experiencing financial difficulties doesn't mean they should shut friends and family out entirely. Self-isolating can make people's mental health worse if they're not careful. So, the next best thing to do is to text and be vague. Something like, "Hey, I'm trying to save right now, so can we do something more chill?" could also be the next best thing.
8. They feel like they can't relate anymore
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There is perhaps no greater feeling in the world than feeling understood by your loved ones. However, as people age, those who isolate themselves from friends and family realize that the things that once bonded them no longer exist.
Now, is it anyone's fault? Not necessarily. People change and grow, so they're no longer interested in the same old playbook they followed when they were kids.
That being said, honesty is needed when cutting off family relationships or long-term friendships. Ghosting someone because they no longer have anything in common is hurtful. In the same breath, refusing to talk about it and continuing as usual is equally worse than giving someone a fake sense of ease. It will only hurt more as they realize their relationship with you is no longer the same.
So, if someone is in this predicament, sit down and converse with them. Let them know your feelings and see if those differences can be worked out. Even if they can't, the other person knows where they stand.
9. They're tired of constantly hearing unsolicited advice
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There's possibly no greater annoyance than sitting across from a friend, parent, or family member only to hear their unsolicited advice. Feeling shamed, disrespected, and unheard, people who isolate themselves from friends and family as they get older usually do so because they're constantly hearing other people's unwanted opinions bout how they should live their lives.
Now, it's understandable: people who usually do this do it because they want to support and guide their loved ones into making the most rational decisions about their career or love life. Unfortunately, all of this 'good advice' often sounds controlling and leaves no room for the other person's wants and desires.
To fix this, psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, Ph. D., suggested that the best ways to approach unsolicited advice are being upfront and honest, changing the conversation, or simply excusing oneself from the conversation.
10. They feel as if they're always in competition
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Finally, people who isolate themselves from friends and family as they get older usually do it because they feel as if they compete. Though it might sound strange, hearing about father-son competition, mother-daughter competition, or friend-friend competition isn't anything new.
Unfortunately, people who aren't secure within themselves often feel threatened by other people's success. As a result, they do their best to one-up them by bragging about their accomplishments or, worse, diminishing their loved ones' achievements by making it about themselves.
These types of people aren't just immature, but they're also straight-up toxic. Never happy for other people's success; they might even ruin their successes just because they don't feel as if the other person deserves it. So, while ghosting people isn't the kindest thing to do, and people should always be upfront about how they're feeling, cutting someone off for this harmful behavior shouldn't be seen as shameful; it should be encouraged.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.