People Who Can't Stand Being Around Their Family As Adults Usually Have These 10 Reasons
A tight-knit family is not always a guarantee.
JackF via CanvaPro For some, family gatherings are the highlight of their existence, and they cannot wait to see all of the people who matter most to them. For others, family gatherings are equivalent to having teeth pulled without sedatives. Family relationships can be complicated, and the dynamics within certain families can take years to navigate.
There are very specific reasons people who can't stand being around their family as adults usually have, and sometimes they are nearly impossible to resolve, even requiring family members to distance themselves from one another. Even as mature adults, some people find it extremely difficult to see their families, and keep their interactions to a minimum.
Here are 10 reasons people who can't stand being around their family as adults usually have
1. They face constant criticism
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People who cannot stand being around their families as adults likely know all too well what it is like to be criticized for their every decision. Whether it be an aunt asking you why you don't have a ring on your finger yet or your mom giving you a death glare as you reach in for a second piece of cake, it seems as if the people who are supposed to uplift you always seem to do the opposite.
Constant criticism takes a toll on our overall self-esteem, and if we are always hanging around people who criticize us, it can be difficult to get out of that negative headspace.
"In many families, parents and children have become locked in vicious cycles of unhealthy family interactions," clinical professor of psychology Kenneth Barish, PhD revealed. "Criticism and punishment lead to anger and defiance or secretiveness and withdrawal; this leads to more criticism than more defiance and withdrawal."
Barish also noted that parents tend to be their children's biggest critics. Whether they are trying to help them or not, it often leads to the children isolating themselves from their parents well into adulthood.
2. They experience jealousy or competition with family members
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The rivalry we have with our siblings or cousins as kids could very well still exist into adulthood, making it harder for people to be around their families. Even if you've outgrown the competition and jealousy phase, you still may have some family members who haven't quite let go of it.
While a little competition between family members is healthy, there's a point where things can become toxic. According to psychology expert Peg Streep, "Healthy competition can motivate and challenge siblings to develop their skills and talents... But when the aim of the competition is to highlight one sibling's flaws or inadequacies, competition moves from being inspirational to being hurtful and damaging."
Whether it be your cousin who is jealous of your lifestyle or a sibling who is often comparing their income to yours, being around people who are constantly competing with us or are jealous of our very existence can be exhausting.
3. They have unresolved past issues
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Lingering past conflicts, old grudges and unresolved emotional wounds can make family interactions particularly uncomfortable, no matter how many years have passed since famous family incidents.
For example, if you grew up in a home where conflict was handled with screaming matches and you never received an apology, being around your family members may trigger negative emotions that make it difficult to be around them.
Research from the Journal of Affective Disorders links childhood trauma and the development of certain mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression. For some people, seeing their family members is a reminder of the unresolved issues that they endured that have stayed with them into adulthood.
4. They lack boundaries
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Even if you establish very specific boundaries, some of your family members may feel entitled to steamroll right over them, all in the name of them being "family." They seem to think that the rules do not apply to them since they share the same blood as you.
Lack of boundaries typically occurs in "enmeshed families," or families who are emotionally fused together in an unhealthy way. However, no matter how close family members may be with one another, there needs to be boundaries put in place.
"Boundaries establish appropriate roles, who is responsible for what in a family. And boundaries create physical and emotional space between family members," licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin, LCSW shared.
"In enmeshed families, these kinds of healthy boundaries don't exist. Parents overshare personal information. They don't respect privacy. They rely on their child for emotional support or friendship. They don't allow children to make their own decisions and mistakes," she concluded.
When there are no boundaries in place, it is easy for people to feel violated, disrespected and even suffocated by their family members.
5. There's a lack of support from family members
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Your family members should be your biggest cheerleaders, not your worst enemies. Unfortunately, this is the case for some people. Whether it is a lack of financial or emotional support, many family members may feel isolated or disconnected from those who show little interest in bringing them up.
Research from Psychology and Aging found that a lack of parental support during one's childhood is associated with increased levels of depressive symptoms and even chronic health conditions including hypertension, arthritis and urinary problems into adulthood.
6. They have differing values or beliefs
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Many people have had falling outs with family members for one reason or another. There's nothing quite like politics, religion or life choices that have the capabilities to tear families apart.
People tend to feel very strongly about these topics, and will skip out on family get-togethers if it means they will have to interact with anyone who may challenge their beliefs. Engaging with family members who may not share your values only leads to arguments and tension, and you will likely have you debating whether or not you even want to attend Christmas or Thanksgiving.
7. There's always drama or conflict
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Some families thrive on creating drama and conflict, and it may not sit well with every member. A number of factors may induce drama in families including clashing personalities, unresolved past pain and power dynamics.
Being surrounded by family drama can be emotionally draining, and some people may want to avoid all of that and remain in their own peaceful little bubbles. It is hard enough being an adult. Dealing with family drama and conflicts makes it all the more difficult.
Parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD shared that there are things families can do to stop the family drama, including being compassionate, staying calm and not controlling, and encouraging positive behaviors. Though it may be stressful, sometimes all it takes is a timeout to solve a conflict.
8. They're emotionally manipulative
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Emotional manipulation in families presents itself in many forms, whether it be embarrassing you in front of other members, spreading rumors about you, or not including you in certain activities. Family members may use manipulation when they want something from you or want you to act a certain way.
Emotional manipulation can have detrimental effects on a person's mental health. According to Peaks Recovery Centers, emotional and mental manipulation can create long-term effects like isolation, numbness, needing validation, resentment, excessive judgment, depression, and anxiety. As a result, this will likely drive a person further away from those family members.
9. They have unrealistic expectations
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Whether it be about your personal relationships or career success, some family members may impose their unrealistic expectations onto you without realizing the pain and confusion it can cause.
You may feel as if you are constantly falling short with your family members if they expect you to spend the money that you don't have to see them more often, or make time in your already busy schedule when you can barely even catch your own breath.
It may feel like every time you see them, they remind you of these unmet expectations, making you feel guilty or ashamed when they could easily make a few expectations to their own mindset.
10. They feel like the 'black sheep' of their family
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It can be hard to be around people who make you feel like an outsider. Maybe you were the child who wasn't interested in sports while all of your siblings were on a different team each season. Maybe you struggled with school while your siblings made honors each semester.
Whatever it may be that made you feel alienated from the rest of your family, you likely felt isolated and resentful, and the feelings can linger well into adulthood. Even if you were different from the rest of your family members, they should have focused more on acceptance rather than alienation.
"A child is never to blame for the dysfunctional household dynamics," psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW shared, pointing out that people who feel like the black sheep of their families are not at fault. As an adult, they may feel compelled to seek out more people who accept them, building their own families to spend time with.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.