I’m A Psychologist — This Is The Subtle Sign Your Family Mistreats You But Acts Like You’re The Problem
No one deserves to be treated this way, but it's far too common.
Josep Suria | Shutterstock Family dynamics are complex. It's often difficult to determine — or accept — that your family is dysfunctional or even abusive.
Dr. Deniz Ahmadinia is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma, stress, and anxiety. In a recent TikTok, she drew attention to a specific kind of emotional abuse that is both traumatic and easy to ignore.
The psychologist shared the subtle sign that your family mistreats you but acts like you're the problem.
“A subtle sign of emotional abuse is when a person, a whole family, or a whole system repeatedly acts like nothing happened after they’ve mistreated you,” Ahmadinia explained. "If you bring up what hurt you, suddenly you’re the problem, or you’re shamed for not moving on.”
This is especially prevalent in narcissistic and toxic families.
"Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they’ll focus on how you expressed yourself — criticizing your reaction, your tone, or even the timing," Ahmadinia added in the caption of her video.
Family members act like nothing happened or blame you to assert control.
“It’s a tactic to keep everything hidden and maintain control," the psychologist explained, "and over time, it can leave you feeling invisible, gaslit, and like you’re the one who has to carry all the pain in silence."
By blaming you, they are able to ignore the real issues within the family.
"This is often a way to avoid upsetting the status quo and maintaining the illusion of harmony, even when it’s built on dysfunction," she wrote.
Ahmadinia clarified that she wasn't referring to a "one-time event" but rather a repeated pattern of behavior.
The psychologist said this behavior prevents you from fully processing your emotions.
“This approach does more than brush off the incident; it teaches you that your pain doesn’t matter,” she stated. “Over time, this cycle silences you, making you doubt your own emotions, and subtly trains you to question the validity of your experiences.”
While this is harmful for anyone affected by it, it can be especially damaging for children.
“For children growing up in these families, it can leave them more vulnerable to other types of abuse where they’re not only cut off from adult protection, and aware that it’s not safe to bring difficult topics to the adults around them,” Ahmadinia said.
Although this form of abuse is not talked about often, it's very real.
In case Ahmadinia's credentials weren’t enough, other experts have also confirmed this is a form of emotional abuse.
The U.K.’s National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children explained that emotional abuse can sometimes include “blaming and scapegoating.” In this case, the abusive family member is blaming the victim for the abusive situation that they created themselves.
This is also known as victim blaming. According to Psych Central, “Victim blaming is a manipulative tactic used by abusers to convince themselves and their victims that the problems lie with the other person, not with them.”
Victim blaming can occur in any kind of abusive relationship. A situation in which an emotional abuser ignores the real problem and acts like it is, in fact, you, would qualify as victim blaming.
This form of abuse is particularly hurtful as it can cause you to question your role in the situation. But know that no matter what is said or done to you, you are not the problem.
Ahmadinia offered validation and affirmation to those who have experienced this hurtful family dynamic.
"Remember: your voice matters and your feelings are valid," she said. "People who genuinely care don’t ignore your pain, they acknowledge it.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or the threat of domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or go to www.thehotline.org.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.