Men Who Weren’t Raised To Be Good Men But Rather How Not To Be Women Often Share These 9 Traits
When you tell young boys to "stop acting like girls," they inevitably inherit these unwanted personality traits.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock “A harsh reality is most men are not taught to be men when they're growing up as boys — they're just taught how not to be women,” songwriter and artist Adiv bluntly stated in a recent TikTok.
Often, boys are told not to act like girls and ridiculed if they do anything deemed feminine, from crying and showing emotions to caring about their appearance. But, as Adiv pointed out, this type of socialization has negative consequences. They often share common traits and are easy to spot as adults.
Men who weren’t raised to be good men but rather how not to be women often share these 9 traits:
1. Aggression
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Often, men are not taught to regulate their emotions. Instead, they are instructed not to cry or show weakness, as those actions are considered feminine. This results in "normative male alexithymia."
Alexithymia refers to difficulty identifying and understanding emotions. The American Psychological Association defines normative male alexithymia as "a subclinical form of alexithymia found in boys and men reared to conform to traditional masculine norms that emphasize toughness, teamwork, stoicism, and competition and that discourage the expression of vulnerable emotions."
When healthy emotional regulation is discouraged and "toughness" is encouraged, aggression is often the result.
2. Superiority
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When men are taught not to be like women, there is an underlying belief that this is because men are better. This, in turn, leads to a superiority complex, one so pervasive it has a name — male chauvinism.
One manifestation of this superior attitude is mansplaining. A recent survey of over 2,000 women conducted by Jeffbet found that 56% of women have experienced mansplaining at work. Of those, 83% said they had more relevant experience than the mansplainers.
3. Arrogance
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According to Psych Mechanics, people become arrogant for several reasons. Some achieve great things and allow their accomplishments to boost their self-esteem to extreme levels. They know that others have not achieved as much and look down on them because of it.
However, not all arrogant people have impressive resumes to back up their attitudes. Some people become arrogant as a defense mechanism.
For example, a man who was raised not to be a woman and then fails to achieve anything remarkable may feel insecure, especially if they see women achieving feats beyond their capabilities. They then resort to arrogance, either in an attempt to trick others into thinking they are worthy or to hide their lack of confidence. It’s ultimately a way to protect their ego.
4. Violence
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A vast majority of violent crime is perpetrated by men. Gender-based violence is also a major issue — the Domestic Violence Hotline reports that a quarter of American women have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
A study on men and violence found that the socially constructed gender norms that teach men to value “hierarchy, aggression, power, respect, and emotional suppression” are to blame for these increased levels of violence. If young boys are not taught to express their emotions, then they are more likely to become violent in the future.
5. Recklessness
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"Boys will be boys" is a saying that all too many boy moms live by. When these boys become men, though, the reckless behavior that warranted this phrase doesn't just go away — it often becomes more apparent.
Men are more likely than women to engage in risk-seeking behaviors, like reckless driving and extreme sports.
This is in part due to socialization — they are taught to be overconfident and prioritize masculinity. Healthy Male noted, "Young men are often socialized to believe that risk-taking is a sign of masculinity. This can lead to a desire to prove oneself and take risks to demonstrate courage and strength." Testosterone and peer pressure likely also play a role.
6. Rudeness
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If men are jerks to everyone, other men included, it can’t possibly be about gender, right? Wrong. A 2022 study found that men are often rude to other men as a way to disguise their misogyny and have “plausible deniability.”
According to the study, it is easier for men to claim gender blindness and use instances of rudeness to other men as evidence that they do not have gendered thinking.
So, when men are raised to not be women and, as a result, hold men as superior to women, some use rudeness to mask their bias.
7. Judgmental
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Research has found that men tend to make quicker judgments, while women see more nuance in a given situation. Again, it all comes down to socialization.
“One possibility is that societal gender roles promote more absolute, black-and-white views in men and more detailed, complex views in women,” Scientific American posited. “Traditionally, cultures have rewarded males for being decisive and proactive, even if it means jumping to conclusions. In contrast, females are socialized to be more thoughtful and receptive to others’ views, even if it means being more self-critical.”
8. Cynical
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Cynicism is defined as “the belief that people are only interested in themselves and are not sincere.” People often become cynical because of negative life experiences, particularly repeated betrayals or disappointments.
While one might expect women to be more cynical in a male-dominated culture, a global study found the opposite. The researchers suggested that men's socialization toward competitiveness makes them cynical. Overly competitive people only look out for themselves and expect the same to be true of everyone else.
9. Laziness
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We’ve all heard the term weaponized incompetence to describe when a man is given just a sliver of responsibility from his wife and completely — and intentionally — messes up the task so he is never asked to do it again. Maybe they were asked to go to the grocery store and purposefully returned home with all the wrong ingredients. Or perhaps they were instructed to do the laundry, and somehow, all of his wife’s clothes shrunk two sizes.
According to Psychology Today, this laziness stems from caregivers doing everything for their sons when they are young. Then, as adults, they find wives who act as caregivers and continue the cycle.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.