11 Quiet Behaviors Of A Truly Miserable Husband
Combating resentment in a marriage starts with resolving small issues early.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock While relationship struggles often illuminate themselves in the early years of marriage, according to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, it's not uncommon for partners to face marital issues much later into their relationship — forced to reconsider their daily habits, boundaries, and communication styles to compensate. While it's possible to notice larger struggles as they come up, many of the quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband can go undetected by their spouses.
By acknowledging and addressing these subtle behaviors, partners not only open up conversations about relationship wellness before they spiral into larger, resentment-fueled issues, but they also protect themselves from being burdened by emotional turmoil and anxiety if they're left unresolved.
Here are 11 quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband
1. He gets defensive easily
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Rather than addressing a true conflict or confrontation with open communication, many partners struggling with insecurity or discomfort in their relationships turn towards defensiveness to avoid their emotions.
Easier to suppress their discomfort in the moment than express it, one of the quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband is their inability to resolve conflicts without adopting a victim mentality or blame-shifting towards their partner.
According to psychologist Seth Meyers, feeling defensive can spark a cycle of discomfort, encouraging partners to gaslight and avoid accountability to cope with their own emotional turmoil. While it might be a temporary solution for a struggling and miserable partner, these behaviors only spark resentment in couples if they're left unresolved.
2. He avoids affection and physical intimacy
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According to relationship coach Christiana Njoku, there's a number of reasons why physical intimacy may struggle in a marriage, from busy schedules, to navigating life changes, and finding time to prioritize quality time; however, it can oftentimes be a result of a struggling emotional connection.
Considering it's often impossible for physical and emotional intimacy to thrive independently, a partner who feels unheard or misunderstood in their relationship tends to pull back from affection in a relationship when they're struggling.
If a partner is feeling isolated or lonely in their relationships, they're going to be less inclined to share physical space and affection — even as a male partner, who tends to place an important emphasis on this physical closeness in their relationships.
3. He's less energetic
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According to a 2011 study on depression, fatigue and a loss of energy can be common symptoms for someone struggling emotionally.
Considering their brain is often overcompensating for dealing with the added stress of loneliness and anxiety, one of the quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband is their lack of energy, both in their daily lives and within a relationship.
Whether they cope with this fatigue by isolating themselves or falling short on their commitments, their spouses often recognize this as a lack of interest or engagement, sparking feelings of resentment that can be detrimental to the health of a relationship if left unacknowledged.
4. He doesn't talk about the future
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Psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams, the author of the "Relationship Reset," argues that many partners experiencing anxiety or disconnection in their relationships struggle to talk about the future as they're grappling with their own feelings of isolation.
Feeling uncertain about themselves and struggling with other emotional battles, a miserable husband often actively avoids conversations about the future to avoid feeling pressure expressing their uncomfortable emotions.
5. He stops communicating
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Getting on the same page with your partner, whether it's about physical intimacy, daily routines, or emotional needs, starts with having open conversations. When one partner stops prioritizing open communication, every aspect of a marriage can suffer as a result.
While the quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband can be a result of their own emotional turmoil, grief, or mental illness, it's important to also heal from and recognize the ways their mindset negatively affects their relationships.
While healthy communication looks wildly different in every relationship, there are certain habits, like using "I" statements, actively listening, and prioritizing empathy in conversations, that can help both partners to feel heard and understood.
When communication is given up on, trust is quickly sabotaged, and there's little to no healthy partnership that comes from being isolated without avenues to resolve conflict or express love.
6. He stops keeping his commitments
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According to Harvard psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren, many partners, even in healthy marriages and relationships, admit they've lied to their spouse at least once in their relationship. And it's more common than many people would like to admit.
However, consistent lying and a partner who continuously fails to meet their promised commitments isn't healthy nor normal, as these behaviors quickly sabotage the trust and mutual understanding necessary for a long-term relationship.
Every person should feel comfortable trusting their partner, believing that they'll show up when they've promised to and be a reliable person in their routine. One of the quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband is exactly the opposite — sparking feelings of mistrust, anxiety, and resentment in their relationship by being chronically unreliable.
7. He doesn't engage with his hobbies or interests anymore
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It's not uncommon for a partner to lose a piece of their identity in a relationship, especially if they're already grappling with externally validating behaviors and low self-esteem, according to family therapist Samara Quintero.
If a partner is unhappy in a relationship where they're not getting reassurance or feeling heard, this can contribute to their loss of identity, urging them to step away from hobbies, habits, and interests that they'd normally enjoy.
If you notice your partner is spending more time alone, but not maintaining their typical schedule or finding joy in their normal hobbies, that could be a sign that they're not feeling fulfilled at home in their marriage.
8. Their sleep schedule has drastically changed
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According to experts from Johns Hopkins Medicine, there's a link between sleep and depressive symptoms like feelings of helplessness and isolation that can contribute to more sleepless nights, a loss of quality sleep, or even insomnia that might be recognizable to the spouse of a miserable husband.
While they may not have depression, struggling in a long-term relationship can spark similar feelings of despair, urging a partner to feel constant anxiety and loneliness at home.
Many of the quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband revolve around changes to their normal routine, from diet, to hobbies, exercise, and sleep, that can be recognizable to a partner spending most of their time with their spouse.
9. He's always playing the victim
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Combined with their tendency towards defensiveness in a relationship, a miserable husband will also find an excuse to play the victim in confrontations with their partner.
Especially if they're suppressing uncomfortable emotions in other aspects of their interactions, they may use casual or petty arguments as a way to express themselves, playing the victim to voice their feelings of resentment and frustration.
Open communication is necessary to fuel a healthy relationship, but when one person is constantly playing the victim, even when they're at fault, those feelings of mutual understanding and trust are sabotaged.
10. He hyper-focuses on what's 'missing'
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Expressing gratitude isn't just important for supporting a person's emotional health, helping them to feel happier and more fulfilled by focusing on what they have, like Harvard Health experts suggest — it's also necessary in relationships as well.
Focusing on what they do have in a relationship can help to bond partners in the present moment, but avoiding gratitude-centered conversations and behaviors can urge both people to feel more disconnected and unvalued.
When a husband avoids expressing gratitude with their partner, they not only miss out on opportunities to reassure their spouse in a relationship, they hyper-focus on what's "missing" — comparing their connection to others, finding weaknesses in their partner, and sparking feelings of resentment that are difficult to unlearn.
11. He picks petty fights with his partner
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One of the most common quiet behaviors of a truly miserable husband is their mood swings and seemingly constant irritability. Rather than opening up healthy conversations and resolving conflicts collaboratively with their partner, they find ways to pick petty fights and arguments that give them a sense of control over their uncomfortable emotions.
Especially when a partner has low self-esteem and isn't feeling loved in their relationship, picking petty fights is a quick way for them to sabotage a marriage, steering clear of healthy and productive intimacy.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.