7 Simple Ways To Keep A Relationship Strong At Any Distance, According To Research
Even long-distance relationships can thrive and succeed if you have some tricks up your sleeve.
Yan Krukau | Canva Keeping relationships happy and strong takes a lot of work. Trying to do it from far away is even harder. When I lived in New York City and dated someone in New Hampshire, even though we were really into each other, it was a ton of work, work we were willing to do, but it was a challenge nonetheless.
Seven ways to keep relationships strong at any distance, according to research:
1. Make sure you are committed to making it work
Before I even begin a list of the necessary things to make a long distance relationship work, I must make this one perfectly clear! If both of you aren’t fully committed to making the relationship work, it won’t succeed.
In every relationship, it is key that both parties are 100% in. Even if their partner isn’t all in, Many people believe they can make it happen on their own. Unfortunately it doesn’t work this way.
For any relationship to work, both parties need to be all in and make the effort for it to succeed. There are no guarantees of success but having both sides make an effort is the key to giving it a good chance.
2. Make sure you give equal effort
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A common mistake for couples trying to make a long distance relationship work, is one person makes all of the effort to get together.
- There are so many logistics to making a long distance relationship work.
- Finding time to get together
- Figuring out where to get together
- Setting up phone calls and video chats
- Making an effort to stay involved in the ins and outs of each other's lives.
It is worth the effort to make a relationship work, but if one person is doing all of the work, things get messy.
Are you doing the majority of the work to keep the relationship strong? Do you enjoy being the one who sets up everything? I appreciate that, but your partner must make some effort to, as demonstrated by an article in Journal of Family Theory & Review.
This might be a weird comparison but it works. I never offer to coach for free because if a client doesn’t have a stake in the relationship, they are less likely to be emotionally involved and the coaching fails. Not because they don’t want to make a change, but if something is easy, it doesn’t have as much value.
The same with making an effort to keep a long distance relationship strong, each side must invest time and effort, and own their share of the maintenance of the relationship.
3. Don’t lose your life waiting by the phone
In many long-distance relationships, particularly those who are already married, one partner forfeits their lives while working on the long-distance relationship. Instead of living their lives between visits, they organize their time so they are always available for their partner.
They want to be there if their partner calls, wants to see them, or has something to share about their day. Over time, this erodes the quality of life, and makes the person more reliant on their partner for happiness.
If you are in a long distance relationship, I encourage you to take the time available to truly live your life. Spend time with friends and family, do what you have always wanted to do, have fun.
After all, one of the good things about being in a long-distance relationship is you have time to yourself, which is always a plus when in a relationship.
4. Always be honest with each other
Research in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed honesty is the key to every healthy relationship, without it, a relationship will most likely fail, even more when the relationship is long distance. Any kind of untruth can shut it down.
This is particularly the case with little “harmless” lies, lies that seemingly don’t cause any pain or damage. Unfortunately, little lies are not harmless, they can often be more insidious.
People tell lies to protect their feelings. They tell lies to prevent drama. They tell lies out of fear. They tell lies because they don’t want to hurt the other person. While all of these excuses seem harmless, they aren’t because they are lies and all lies, even little ones, can cause permanent damage, especially for a long-distance relationship.
If there isn’t 100% truth in a relationship, it will be hard for it to succeed. When you are far away from each other, maintaining trust is the key to maintaining connection.
5. Talk about the future
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It is essential to talk about the future so you can picture yourselves together for the long run.
Many long distance relationships are open-ended. One person is in one place and the other is somewhere else with no specific plan to close the distance. As a result, the relationship chugs along with no growth, and often it becomes disconnected and fails.
Many people are fine with the distance and see no reason to change. If that works for them, great. But if you struggle with the health of your relationship, consider if it is because you don’t know what the future holds. If this is the case, you must talk to your partner about it ASAP!
6. Don’t let too much time pass between visits
No matter how much someone says they are OK in a long-distance relationship, they must spend as much time in their partner's presence as possible.
Talking on the phone and having video calls are certainly fine. They keep you connected to each other's daily lives. That is good, but it's also important to have physical closeness. Being in each other's presence is the key to a successful long distance relationship.
People need physical closeness with their partner to maintain a physical connection, as explored by a series of studies in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. If they don’t, the relationship can falter. It's much like people who online dating. If they only text or talk with a new person, instead of getting together, chances are the connection will die from lack of physical nearness.
So, make an effort to spend as much time as you can with your significant other. Just sitting next to each other on a bench in the airport is an excellent thing to keep your relationship strong!
7. Be realistic
This is a key part of having your long distance relationship succeed if it's meant to.
Long distance relationships are hard, and plenty of people make them work, but many don’t, so it's important not to lose sight of the challenges.
Sometimes, people sense their relationship is faltering. Because they don’t want it to end, they push hard to keep it together. They try to talk more, visit each other more, talk about the future. But sometimes those things don’t work. The challenge of being too far apart can be overwhelming, while sad, is OK.
There is nothing worse than wasting time in a relationship that doesn’t have a future. Unfortunately, many people hold on way past the expiration date and hope to get back to the beginning, when things were fun. As a result, precious time is lost instead of finding the right person.
Pay attention to your relationship status. If you are struggling, know it is possible the relationship isn’t meant to be. I am not saying to give up, just be aware all of your efforts might be for naught in the end.
However, learning as much as you can about how to make a long distance relationship work is good for you. If you are doing this as you get into one and do not yet have any issues, well done. Learning the best practices to make a relationship work is the best thing you can do.
If you have relationship issues, have faith! Information and awareness are key to the success of any relationship, near or far.
You can do this!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.