7 Ways Healthy People Numb Out When They're Overwhelmed By Heartache
Don't let the person who hurt you keep you down.
lesha tuman | Unsplash The physical, mental, and emotional pain of a broken heart can be so intense, you might start questioning whether it is survivable. But rest assured, the pain will fade and you will move forward with your life. In the meantime, you can emotionally detach and numb out when you're overwhelmed — as long as you do it in a healthy way.
When going through any kind of turmoil, it is important to feel the pain and not stuff it down. You do need to allow it to run through your body then let it go. Stuffing pain down will only trap it and it will get worse. Yet, feeling pain all the time will suck you physically and psychically dry. So, emotionally detaching is a critical part of healing.
Seven healthy ways people can numb out when overwhelmed by heartbreak
1. Take a yoga class
A friend was going through a breakup, so I recommended she take up yoga. She rolled her eyes at me and asked me why everyone was telling her to do yoga. 6 months later she was a yoga instructor.
The thing about yoga is it quiets the mind in more ways than one. Yoga poses can be complicated (and intimidating), and doing them takes a fair amount of concentration. When you are concentrating on doing yoga correctly, you can’t think about your breakup.
Furthermore, yoga is about breathing consciously and quieting the mind to think about nothing at all. It's incredibly hard but if you can do it for a few seconds, it gives your brain a break from your pain. You might go back to thinking about the breakup and feeling the pain but you will have had a 1.5-hour break from it by doing something good for your body and soul, as suggested by John Hopkins Medical Institute.
2. Use social media to help you heal not to hurt
Ekateryna Zubal
How much time have you spent since your break up on social media to look for information on narcissists, people who cheat, emotional trauma, or toxic relationships? A fair amount I am guessing.
The time you spend doing this might feel good. You can focus on everything wrong with the other person and interact with people who are going through the same thing, Unfortunately, repeatedly doing this will only keep you completely attached to your pain.
When you are seeking information on toxic aspects, you will find a video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or reading angry and bitter quotes. This will keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain.
Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the breakup, I would encourage you to seek out inspiration to give you hope for the future and emotionally detach from the past pain, as suggested by an article in the Journal of Heart-Centered Therapies. By interacting with people who have survived a breakup and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity, even if only for a short time.
3. If you can, get out of town
I have a client who has been devastated by a breakup. She found out her partner had another lover and, when she found out, he chose the other woman. The pain she felt was intense. She described it as a physical pain consuming her body.
Fortunately, about three weeks into her break up, she had a business trip scheduled. It wasn’t something she was looking forward to because she was still wallowing in pain but it turned out to be the best thing to happen emotionally.
Being out of town disconnected her from painful memories of her ex and what they did together. She ate at new restaurants and saw things she hadn’t seen before. She met new people, people who knew nothing about her breakup. For 3 full days, she spent more time not thinking about her pain, which gave her mind and body a break.
Of course, when she went home, the pain came back but not nearly as strong as before, and she felt a little more capable.
4. Spend time with people who love you with no talk about the breakup
Before you met your ex, you lived a full life, a life without them in it, and you were happy. Before they came into your life, you were involved with good friends and loving family. Friends and family who supported you through bad times and celebrated good ones with you. Friends and family who think you are wonderful and make you feel loved.
If you can spend time with friends and family, it is time spent not focusing on your breakup so you can focus on the life you've always had, you can emotionally detach for a few hours and give yourself a break from the pain.
5. Get out there for a walk or a run, AirPods in your ears
The last thing you feel like doing is getting off the couch, putting your sneakers on, and getting outside. But, if you want to emotionally detach from your pain, you need to get out there.
Walking or running is very rhythmic. When we walk or run we tend to focus on taking the next step. Much like doing yoga, the act of running or walking can give our brain a break from those desperate thoughts, as shown by studies in the International Journal of Stress Management.
If you have your AirPods in your ears, you can detach yourself one step further. When I was going through my divorce, listening to music as I walked felt so damn good. Power ballads by Lady Gaga and Beyonce were my go-to, the songs made me feel sad and powerful. I would sing along as I walked, my heart rate elevated, my blood pumping and, by the time my walk was done, I felt exhilarated and hopeful for the future.
Yes, the exhilaration wore off after a while but I got a taste of how I would feel once the breakup pain faded.
6. Find a podcast that makes you happy and keep it on continuous play
ViDI Studio via Shutterstock
When I was going through a divorce, time in my car was always the worst. I would perseverate about my husband and his new girlfriend. I would worry about how I was going to move forward. I would assure myself I would never love or be loved again. When I reached my destination, I was usually a crabby camper.
Then I discovered podcasts. Listening to podcasts was great for me. I learned new things, things I hadn’t known before, things I would take into my future and weren’t part of my past. The hosts were hilarious and made me smile when I thought smiling was impossible. Most importantly, listening to them distracted me from the negative tapes I was replaying in my mind.
I have continued to listen to podcasts in the car. They do an excellent job distracting me from the terrible dysfunction in our world and give me a break from the despair I often live with about the future of our country, even if just for a short time.
7. Get rid of every gift they have ever given you and anything they left at your house
A client of mine did the most amazing thing. It had been weeks since her break up and, while she was feeling better, she was still struggling. She was still wearing the bracelet he had given her and had found his sweater under the bed. Looking at her bracelet and encountering his sweater set her back, big time.
She decided to gather everything he had given her, or he had left behind and burn it. She invited her friends to join her, encouraging them to bring anything they needed to burn or to come and be together and celebrate the destruction of tangible evidence from her old relationship. She and her friends built a bonfire and burned everything. For one full evening, she felt invincible, which gave her hope for the future.
Of course, fire isn’t the only option for getting rid of your ex’s stuff. I took everything I found, put it in a bag, and tucked it away somewhere I wouldn’t stumble upon it. When I was ready, I sorted through the things, felt my feelings, and got rid of them.
I recycled the letters, gave the clothes to Goodwill, and sold the gold necklace on E-bay. When I was doing this, I felt strong and hopeful for the future. Instead of focusing on the pain, I was focusing on letting go and moving forward.
I spent the money from the necklace on a purse I had been eyeing for a while. Carrying the purse instead of wearing the necklace allowed me to emotionally detach in a way I hadn’t been able to do so far. It felt amazing.
Right now it’s hard for you to believe you will ever get past this pain and emotionally detaching will be impossible. But I promise, you can do it!
When we are suffering, it is so easy to lose ourselves, to wallow in our self-pity, anger, hopelessness, and despair. But you don’t want to lose your mental well-being to this breakup, something bad will happen if you let yourself stay in the place of pain.
Making an effort to emotionally detach, even for a little bit, will be a big step to move forward and let go of the pain of the breakup. After all, do you want to give them the satisfaction of destroying you? No, I am guessing not!
So get up off the couch and join the ranks of women who didn’t let someone who hurt them keep us down!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.