7 Common Marriage Myths That Keep People Stuck In Bad Relationships For Life
The Boomer tradition of sticking with your marriage forever is outdated and unhealthy.
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock When you're struggling in a bad marriage, it can be hard to recognize the symptoms. After all, there are a lot of old, unhealthy myths about marriage that teach us to accept behavior that is not healthy for anyone involved. That's why it's key to identify the common marriage myths that are keeping you stuck.
A therapist of mine once likened being in a bad relationship to being caught underwater in a moving river — the water bubbling all around your head, disorienting you, making it hard to think clearly. So take a step back and see if you've fallen for any of these marriage myths so you can break free from them now — together with your spouse or on your own.
Seven common myths about marriage that keep people stuck for too long
1. Your spouse is not your “soul mate”
So many of my clients tell me their spouse is their “soul mate.” They have never loved or been loved the way they are with their husband or wife. I am afraid, just a tad delusional.
If you are in a toxic marriage, perhaps being emotionally or physically abused by a partner, how can that person be your “soul mate?” How can someone who is your “soul mate” be willing to cause you so much pain?
More likely, instead of being your “soul mate,” you are most likely trauma bonded, as described by the APA. No matter the length of your marriage, your primary relationship has been a toxic one that involves anger, sadness, mistreatment, contempt, name-calling, swearing, and abuse. Confusing trauma bonding as soul mates is how toxic emotions become normalized.
It can feel uncomfortable when strong emotions aren’t present, even if they are negative, hence the trauma bonding. Another study from the APA suggested you believe you must be with this person even if they make you feel bad.
2. Great physicality does not mean a great marriage
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I can’t tell you how often I hear clients say they have amazing sex so their marriage must still be good, right? Well, wrong.
One of the reasons intimacy quiets down during a marriage is because of the familiar. As a relationship normalizes and the initial neurochemical surges calm down, the drive for sex can be reduced as well, as discussed in Neuro Endocrinology Letters. This is not bad, it's the way the chemical reactions in our body operate.
When you are in a toxic marriage, intense emotions do not calm down. They become negatively heightened over time. Couples in toxic marriages are often struggling with strong emotions. Whether sadness, anger, contempt, or frustration, the heightened emotions can lead to an increased desire for physical release. As a result, couples who live in conflict are likely to have more sex than people in calmer marriages.
A great example is break-up sex. The desire to break up with someone is usually connected to intense emotions. As a result, we want physical connection, even though we are breaking up. Pretty much all of the physical intimacy in a toxic marriage is break-up sex soon followed by makeup sex. Both of which are quite exciting and addictive.
3. It’s not all your fault and you cannot fix it alone
They believe that if they could just be nicer wear more makeup be more patient, have more physical connection, or not ask for much, their relationship could be fixed. Many of my clients have tried one or more of the above in an attempt to fix their marriage.
Your toxic relationship will not be fixed by not being who you are. Of course, you can change toxic behaviors you might bring into a relationship but it won’t fix your marriage. Why? Because your toxic marriage is not all your fault!
Two people in every marriage are involved in making it good or bad. Perhaps you aren’t as nice to your partner as you might be, but you didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to be mean. Over time, something happened in your marriage that led to the behavior.
In a healthy marriage, if one spouse is being mean, and the other spouse has caused the meanness as a reaction, both are addressed to settle the issue. A study in the Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research showed how In a toxic marriage, one person is willing to take all the blame for all the problems the other person is happy to give them.
Fixing yourself isn’t going to fix your relationship. What is happening is not all your fault. I know it might feel that way but it's not.
4. You can't fake your way to a great marriage
I have a client who has four grown children. All of them are embarking on adult relationships and are struggling. We have been working to help her support them. I have learned she had an abusive husband, and her kids grew up in a home where their father was always angry and their mother was always trying to hide the anger from the kids. She truly thought she had done a good job.
She wasn’t kidding anyone. While she tried her hardest, her kids were still exposed to the toxic behaviors of their father (and to some extent her behavior because she put up with it). As a result, the girls are finding men who don’t treat them well and the boys are exhibiting frustration through anger.
People believe they are successfully hiding their toxic marriage from friends and family, but usually, it's not possible. Especially with children who have big eyes, ears, hearts, and a tangled web of emotions simmering in the background. Their little bodies soak the toxicity right up. Because they are kids and don’t understand grown-up emotions, the confusion can set them up for a world of future hurt, as demonstrated by data from Frontiers in Psychology.
5. Things will never go back to how they were in the beginning
The beginning of relationships is always wonderful. There is the initial chemical reaction, the emotional connection, the romance, the great intimacy, and the all-night talks about hopes and dreams. It’s all the stuff of fairy tales.
Unfortunately, as a relationship develops, those initial intense emotions shift, as outlined by research in the Personal Relationships Journal. In a healthy relationship, the shift is positive and the couple settles into a secure, loving relationship. In a toxic relationship, the emotions lead to hurt, anger, and disillusionment, and they wonder is the person they fell in love with.
Whether you are in a good marriage or a bad one, your relationship will never be how it was in the beginning. Holding onto the hope it will be is an exercise in futility, even more, if you are in a toxic marriage. No matter how hard you work on the relationship, it will never be what it was in the beginning nor will your spouse ever be exactly the person they were.
If you are staying in a toxic marriage because you believe things could go back to how they were in the beginning, it just won’t happen.
6. 'We never fight' doesn’t mean your marriage is fine
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When my marriage ended, I thought, "But we never fight, how can we possibly be getting a divorce? Our marriage was fine enough, right? After all, so many of our friends fought more than we did." Not fighting is not the sign of a healthy relationship, nor is it the key to getting one.
The Handbook Of Family Communication explained that in a healthy marriage, people need to speak their truth and be heard, whether it's positive or negative. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it's a critical part of any healthy relationship.
When spouses don’t fight, it means they aren’t expressing their feelings. They are just stuffing down frustrations to a place where they simmer until they boil over. My kids tell me that while my ex and I never fought, the tension was always in the air. They knew we were holding tension in and could sense when the bottled-up frustration was going to explode.
The biggest gift our divorce gave was the kids no longer had to wait for those eruptions. So, if you and your spouse don’t fight, it's not a good thing.
7. Yes, the grass is sometimes greener
Be honest. How do you feel about yourself?
- Are you happy with who you are in the world?
- Do you wake up in the morning with a mostly positive outlook for your day?
- Do you take care of yourself?
- Are you being a good friend or a good parent?
- Do you look at yourself in the mirror and think you are in pretty good shape?
Any amount of time in a toxic relationship can be really hard on your self-esteem. Being unhappy and on the receiving side of anger while feeling hopeless about the future eats away at self-esteem. When self-esteem is damaged, it's difficult to believe you deserve any better.
You 100% deserve better. We all do. You deserve to love, be loved, and not live in misery. If you can take the first step to fixing or getting out of a toxic marriage, you take a step toward rebuilding self-esteem and getting the love you want. And while it's true that "the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence", in relationships like this there may be lots of green grass on the other side of the fence!
I know accepting these psychological facts about toxic marriages might be difficult. After all, who wants to admit their marriage is toxic and something must be done? We make vows when we get married and no one wants to break their vows!
So, take a look at the facts. Are they in any way related to your marriage? If yes, it's time to figure out your next steps!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.