People With These 7 Old-Fashioned Skills Know How To Get What They Need In Any Situation
Your charm and assertiveness can only take you so far.
Andrej Lišakov | Unsplash Communication in all sorts of relationships — romantic, friendship, professional and with family — can be hard, no matter how many strong and positive personality traits you possess. People also confuse being assertive with the ability to get what they need, believing their boundaries will set them up for success.
Perhaps more than for any other reason, I believe a lack of understanding of what assertiveness means, as well as poor training on how to be more assertive without being controlling, is the underlying basis of the problems facing most people. Fortunately, there are a few old-fashioned skills that can help people regain control (without being controlling) so they can achieve their goals.
Seven skills of people who know how to get what they need
1. Self-awareness
People who are assertive in relationships are people who know themselves and know what they want.
I know when I was married, I knew I was unhappy, but I didn’t know why. When we went to marriage counseling, there was always discussion around the nebulous cloud of my unhappiness, but we never attacked it directly because I couldn’t define what it was.
Since I have become more self-aware, I have realized what happiness means to me — to be noticed, to be heard, to be valued, to be seen. When those things happen, I feel loved, and I am happy.
If you aren’t self-aware, take some time to develop this personality trait. Take stock of what is important to you so you know what to ask for when the time comes.
2. Self-confidence
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A study in the Journal for Multidimensional Education supported how people who are assertive in relationships know how to ask for what they want, and to do that, you have to believe in yourself and your self-worth.
I know many people who are self-aware, who know what they want, but who don’t ask for it because they don’t believe themselves to be worthy. And if you don’t ask, you don’t get it.
Taking stock of why you are worthy in the world will get you a long way towards being assertive and getting you the love, respect or friendship you seek.
3. Articulate communication
So, let’s say you know what you want, and you believe you are worthy of getting it, but you have no freaking idea of how to ask for it.
You are there, sitting across from your person, having a heart-to-heart, and when the time comes to ask for what you want, you just can’t find the words. And if you don’t have the words to ask for what you want, how are you going to get it?
Are you a good communicator? If you are, great! If you aren’t, find a friend or a life coach and have them work with you to find the words to ask for what you want. It’s not as hard as it seems. It’s just a skill to be cultivated like any other.
4. Intuition
My ex-husband used to say he would never be able to have an affair because my Spidey sense would just know. I used to laugh, but I know it’s true. It was hard for him to get away with anything, good or bad, because my intuition was usually dead on.
People who have a strong intuition, one they can count on, are usually excellent at being assertive in all sorts of relationships. Why? Because people who are intuitive trust their gut. They trust they know what they want and believe their instincts around others are dead on.
By having faith in oneself and one’s perceptions of others, it is easy to speak up and ask for what you want because you truly believe.
If you don’t already, listen when your gut tells you something. If you have a ‘feeling’ something is off, trust that feeling. Don’t rationalize it away. Speak up!
5. Resolute decision-making
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Being assertive is simply impossible without being resolute.
Do you know the person, perhaps you see her in the mirror, who just can’t make up her mind? She knows she wants something, but she can’t quite put her finger on what it is. As a result, when she tries to ask for what she wants, she fails because there is no conviction behind her words.
How does one cultivate the personality trait of being resolute? Start small. Choose one thing important to you and do it, no matter what. Set your intention, and don’t let anything get in your way, as suggested by an article in Philosophical Review.
Once you see the power of what happens if you set your mind to something, you will want to practice it in all areas of your life.
6. Clear-headedness
For many of us, thinking clearly can be challenging, especially when we are in a situation that is agitating us.
My husband recently told me whenever I am mad at him, his mind goes completely blank. His brilliant mind, who kicks ass at work all day, absolutely can not think clearly in the presence of emotional me.
While this is a trait I have found in almost all my male clients, it is something that happens to all of us. In the middle of conflict, our heart rates rise, our adrenaline surges, and our brain goes blank. Or, even worse, our brains start creating stories out of nothing or holding on to one thing that has been said and can’t look past it.
Unfortunately, when our minds go blank, we tend to do and say things that don’t help us assert ourselves confidently. Instead, we ramble and stutter and perhaps say something other than what we mean.
So, how does one stay clear-headed? By remembering to breathe.
When you are having a difficult conversation or need to advocate for yourself, make sure you take a deep breath before you begin. Get the oxygen flowing to your brain. Research in the IDEA Fitness Journal showed that as the interaction plays out, continue to breathe and keep the oxygen flowing. All of this good oxygen will help you stay clear-headed and accomplish what you want to accomplish.
Take a deep breath right now. Feels good, right?
7. Patience
This is a hard one. We Americans want what we want, and we want it now. Unfortunately, the world just doesn’t work that way.
I have so many clients who want to get into a committed relationship, more friendships or better workplace connections right now. They want to resolve a fight or disconnection right now, even though emotions are heightened, and nothing positive is going to come out of further communication. Some want their partner or friend to do exactly what they need them to do right now, and if they don’t, they get frustrated and don’t behave very well.
Patience is a learned skill, as suggested by an article in Psychoanalytic Review. You aren't born with it! It took me almost 50 years to learn how to have it, and sometimes I forget how, even still. But patience is possible. How? Again, remember to breathe.
When we are frustrated, we tend to hold our breath, shutting down the oxygen to our brains and instigating the fight or flight reaction. We get agitated, and everything becomes challenging. The more agitated we get, the more we don’t breathe properly and the more impatient we become.
Think about when you are frustrated with something. Think about the heavy sigh you make before you try to address it. That is your brain giving you the clear-headedness and patience you need to resolve whatever you are dealing with. Try it, it works.
The other part of being patient is learning to know when you aren’t being so. Awareness is the key to fixing what is sabotaging us and noticing you are becoming impatient is the first step towards stopping it. Develop some tools to help you be patient and get through what you need to get through positively.
Being assertive in all of your relationships is a challenge but one worth meeting.
Many women aren’t naturally assertive. We tend to sit back and follow other people’s lead and be happy enough with the outcome.
Men often lack assertiveness when they want to keep the peace, but in the end, this leaves them unhappy.
Fortunately, many of us have studied assertiveness training to some degree, and more assertive communication is a skill we all can learn.
In this unstable world where relationships are increasingly difficult, we need to identify what it is we want, we need to believe we are worthy, we need to be able to speak to what those things are, we need to trust our gut, and we need to be resolute in making it happen.
Don’t spend your life and love allowing things to just happen, hoping for the best. Decide what you want and go for it — now!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.