7 Signs An Otherwise Good Marriage Is Developing A Serious Power Dynamic Problem
The biggest warnings are quiet and sneak up from within.
TetianaKtv via Shutterstock In marriage, the balance of control can shift slightly, depending on the circumstances, and still be OK. What isn't OK is a power dynamic where one person is always in charge, and the other always secondary. Often, signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage show up inside the home, first.
Sadly, in the middle of the chaos of marriage, it can be a challenge to recognize when the power dynamic is off. That's why it's important to pay attention to a few key signs that arise within the family dynamic — before the imbalance becomes irreversible.
Seven signs an otherwise good marriage is developing a power dynamic problem
1. One person makes all the decisions
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The most common shifts in the power dynamic of a marriage is having one person be in charge of everything.
In some cases, the person with the control is the nurturer. This happens over a course of time as a family tries to juggle all of the balls of school, work, sports, extended family, and more. Usually, the nurturer takes responsibility for planning and executing because task management is a skill they have. So they take over and everything is their call.
In some cases, it's the provider who has all of the control in a marriage. This can happen for a variety of reasons. A nurturer might be accustomed to having a provider in charge if they had that parental model while growing up. In some religions, the man is the head of the household, period. In these cases, there can be an emotional/physical abuse dynamic that leads the woman to give away all control to her husband, as evidenced by a meta-analysis in the Journal of Family Violence.
Whether it's the provider or the nurturer, if one person in the relationship is responsible for the lion’s share of their life, the balance of control is off balance.
2. One person's head is always down, avoiding drama
Do you never speak up because you don’t want to cause a fuss? Do you have opinions but don't share them because you are afraid you will be on the receiving end of a negative reaction? Would you rather go along to keep the peace and avoid drama?
If the answer is yes, you are not alone! Many people in marriages just want to keep the peace and swallow their words and feelings. Marriage is an emotional challenge and there can be a lot of issues that come up. When repeated issues arise, the idea of dealing with them again can be too much for one spouse to deal with. So, they keep their mouths shut to grin and bear it.
While I understand the idea of preventing drama, repeatedly not speaking up out of fear of reprisal, big or small, is not healthy.
Over time, not speaking up in your relationship will cause resentment and a sense of contempt from your spouse. If you never proffer an opinion, your spouse will notice and might see this as a sign of weakness, which a study in Women's Health Issues showed can be hard to respect in a marriage.
I encourage you to speak up, at least some of the time, despite whatever the result might be for the sake of your self-esteem and to maintain the respect of your partner.
3. The family spends more time with one extended family than the other
People spend more time with one extended family than they do the other. Of course, this could be a convenience thing.
Perhaps your family lives closer, the kids are the same age, or your schedules align. But, if that isn’t the issue, if convenience isn’t the reason you spend more time with your spouse’s family than with yours. In many marriages where the power dynamic is off, one spouse insists more time is spent with their extended family.
When I was growing up, we spent way more time with my mom’s family than my dad’s. Part of that was because my dad wasn't attached to seeing his family, but it happened primarily because my mom didn’t like my dad’s mom and insisted we spend as little time with them as possible. As a result, holidays were spent with my mom’s family and we rarely saw my dad’s! To this day, we know my mom’s family way better.
To keep the peace, my dad was willing to give in to my mom’s control. Their marriage, I am sure you aren’t surprised, didn’t last.
4. Only one person is interested in a physical relationship
This happens in marriages where the power dynamic is off because one spouse is only intimate with the other, not because they want to, but because they know their spouse wants it, as suggested by an APA study on the role of power in intimate relationships.
I have seen this from both sides of the equation: a wife person has little or no interest in being physical, and yet they are intimate with their spouse every week because they know their husband expects it. It's easier to do than deal with any crabbiness or whatever else might arise.
It can happen with husbands, too. They don’t want to be physically intimate in any way, for whatever reason. But because his wife brings it up all the time, he ultimately gives in to make her happy.
In both of these cases, when married couples are together for any other reason than because they want to, the power dynamic is off and this is something to address.
5. The kids only listen to one parent and ignore the other
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When I was married, my kids always came to me when they needed something. Whether it was a cookie, a ride to town, help on homework, or help processing an issue, they always came to me. I was the one they could count on and mostly get what they wanted/needed with a minimum of fuss.
They did go to their father but he was often absent and sometimes crabby, so they tended to bypass him. I was fine with this. If they came to me, I could control the outcome and knew the kids wouldn’t be disappointed by a bad reaction from their father.
While this worked for a while, in the long term, it only caused anger and resentment on both sides. I didn’t want to be the one my kids always turned to. It was exhausting. My husband resented me and sadly, it led to the kids going to him even less. Mutual resentment built up until it was a huge factor in the end of our marriage.
6. At least one partner hides things from the other
Hiding things in any marriage can be toxic. Whether it's hiding spending, activities, or friendships from your partner, hiding indicates there is an off-balance power dynamic. In a marriage with a healthy power dynamic, both spouses feel safe sharing everything. They know their partner understands their actions and, if they didn’t, there could be a conversation about it.
If a spouse has any kind of fear their habits or actions would not be well received, enough so they have to hide it, this is an indication the balance of power is off, which will lead to a lack of trust and accountability.
7. One partner has to account for every little thing
If you have to account for every little thing you do, your power dynamic is off.
- Perhaps you have to account for where you spend your time.
- Perhaps you have to account for who you spend your time with.
- Perhaps you have to account for every penny you spend.
- Perhaps you have to account for why you have gained or lost weight.
Anything and everything. This is not OK.
Everyone has some accountability to their spouse. We want to share their lives and be able to trust them. Therefore, being open and honest is an important part of healthy relationships.
But, if one person insists on knowing every detail of their spouse’s life, this is not OK. When someone asks their partner to account for every little thing, there are most likely serious trust issues involved, as supported by an APA review.
- Perhaps it's because of something that has happened in the past, either in this relationship or in another.
- Perhaps it's because someone feels the need to control another person, for whatever reason.
- Perhaps it's because there is just an inherent lack of trust between both parties.
For whatever reason, if one person must always be accountable to the other for every little thing, this is an uneven power dynamic that needs to be addressed.
It can be very hard to recognize the warning signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage.
Power dynamics can change very slowly, throughout a marriage, so slowly one (or both) spouses don’t even realize it is happening. All they know is they aren’t happy, but aren’t clear on the reason.
For any relationship to be happy, there must be an equal power dynamic. This equal power dynamic will ensure the love, trust, and respect are important in every relationship, and the marriage remains healthy.
So check and see how your marriage stacks up to my list. If the power dynamic is off, in either direction, it’s time to take next steps and figure out how to fix it before it's too late!
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.