10 Easily Overlooked Signs You’re In An Exceptional Relationship
Many relationships are good, but it's even rarer for one to be exceptional.
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day minutiae and forget about what really makes your partnership special. It’s even easy to overlook signs that you’re in an exceptional relationship and think you’re just coasting by. But there are some signs that point to the fact your relationship is truly spectacular and not merely average or run-of-the-mill.
A couples counselor and relationship coach, Jon Dabach, known as @communicationjon or Dr. Jon on TikTok, shared signs pointing to not just being in a great relationship but an exceptional one in a recent video. As he said, “These are the little things that often go unnoticed but make all the difference.”
Here are 10 easily overlooked signs you’re in an exceptional relationship:
1. You can comfortably sit in silence together.
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One of the surest signs that you’re in an exceptional relationship is that you don’t always feel the need to fill the silence. Instead, you can just let it be and not feel uncomfortable at all.
When you’re with someone that you’re not entirely comfortable with, whether you’re in a romantic or platonic relationship, you’ll feel like you have to keep the conversation going to avoid awkward silences. But when you’re in an exceptional relationship, that isn’t necessary.
Brides writer Léa Rose Emery put it this way: “Silence gets a bad rap for being boring; in fact, in a relationship — especially a long-term relationship like a marriage or domestic partnership — it should be the most comfortable thing in the world.” People think silence is something you have to fill because it means a conversation, and, therefore, a relationship, is dying. This couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Instead of signifying that a relationship is stale or uninteresting, comfortable silence signals that you are just that — comfortable with each other. As Dr. Jon said, this could easily go unnoticed, especially if you’re in the relationship and know that nothing is wrong. But others will recognize it as a sign of security.
2. You don’t feel the need to prove your love on social media.
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We all know that couple who has to post absolutely everything they do on social media and constantly declare their love for each other to all of their followers. To some, this outward display of affection may seem like a good thing. Surely, it means that the couple really cares about each other, right?
It’s entirely possible that, yes, that is true. But it’s also possible they simply don’t feel very secure in their relationship. A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that this “relationship visibility” was actually a sign of relationship insecurity.
People with attachment styles that made them feel like their relationships needed to be more visible were actually more likely to be withdrawn or need reassurance when it came to their love life.
It seems like some people are seeking this reassurance on social media. What could be more reassuring than all of your followers liking your photo and leaving comments telling you what a perfect, adorable couple you are? People who are really secure in their relationships don’t feel the need to put it on display for everyone to see.
3. You speak in inside jokes.
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There’s nothing quite like the feeling of laughing over inside jokes with your favorite person. If you’re in a relationship, hopefully, that favorite person is your partner.
Having inside jokes is such a special way to remain close. It gives you the chance to laugh and invite humor into your relationship, which is essential.
A team of researchers led by West Virginia University’s Shannon Maki surveyed 151 pairs, a mix of those who were together romantically and platonically, and found that the use of humor led to a “more cohesive and satisfied” relationship. Even if only one person in the relationship was really funny, it still led to a stronger bond for the pair.
Having inside jokes you can turn to, especially when things seem bleak, can do wonders for the relationship you are trying to nurture. It takes your focus off of the rough patches and reminds you of why you fell in love in the first place.
4. You fight, but it’s never about winning.
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Fighting for any reason may sound bad. After all, shouldn’t couples that are truly close get along almost all of the time? That’s actually not the case.
VeryWell Mind writer Elizabeth Plumptre said, “While it might sound counterintuitive, fighting in love can actually be a good thing for your relationship. When you learn how to argue effectively and respectfully, it can be a way for you to learn more about each other, maintain your boundaries, and resolve issues that might affect the long-term health of your relationship.”
So, if fighting is actually good for your relationship, what do you fight for? Long Island Psychology’s Marc Shulman said it’s best to fight to resolve conflicts, not to come out as the winner. Having a winner and a loser doesn’t help anyone, he said. Instead, focus on resolution and working through the problem.
Plus, if you’re happy in a relationship and want your partner to be happy too, you won’t care about winning. You’ll fight because it’s healthy, but it will never be about coming off victorious. You care too much about your partner for that.
5. You still flirt, even after years together.
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It’s easy to lose the spark in your relationship after you’ve been together for a while. While relationships do evolve and change, that doesn’t mean you have to completely lose sight of the things that brought you together in the first place. Continuing to flirt with each other, no matter how long you’ve been together, is a sure sign that your relationship is truly exceptional.
Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D., stated, “Having our partner flirt with us is one of the ways we feel loved, special, attractive and cared for. In contrast, the absence of flirting in a long-term relationship can make us doubt our partner’s feelings and attraction towards us.”
Even though you may have been together for a while, flirting is a sign that you are still interested in each other and want to keep your romance alive. It shows that you still care and genuinely love and like each other. Unlike what many would say, flirting when you’ve been together a while isn’t cringey. Instead, it just might be the key to a healthy relationship.
6. You feel comfortable being completely yourself.
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When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to feel like you can just be you. There are so many times that we feel we have to wear a mask or play a part. It’s important to feel like none of that is necessary when you’re with your partner. There is at least one person you should always feel that you can be authentic and honest with, and that’s the closest person to you.
According to Leah Aguirre, LCSW, “This is a call to action to be your authentic self. You can only be you. There is absolutely no one else that you can be. Why fight it? Sure, it can feel nice to be desired by someone else, but at what cost? If you don’t connect well with someone, or someone seems uninterested, this is not a reflection of you. It is probably not the best match or a good fit.”
As Aguirre said, you won’t click with everyone if you’re truly being yourself. But someone who really loves you will accept you for who you are. And you’ll feel more prepared to accept yourself too.
7. You support each other’s independence.
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When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to be all about that relationship. You’re working together to make your partnership work, and that has become your priority. But what about supporting each person in that relationship for the amazing individuals they are? Dr. Jon thinks that is one of the keys to an exceptional relationship.
Virginia Oak Counseling’s Amanda LaRose said, “What does it really mean to be an independent individual? It means you know how to be your own person, whether you are single or in a relationship. It means while you make the effort to make your partner happy, you also ensure that you continue to do the things you enjoy that bring you happiness.”
According to LaRose, when you and your partner are both growing as individuals, you can grow even more easily as a couple. If you really care about each other, you won’t want to just strengthen your relationship but strengthen each other as individuals, too. You’ll celebrate each other’s independence instead of feeling threatened by it.
8. You laugh at the same dumb things.
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As we’ve already established, humor is an important part of any relationship. One study conducted by Lukasz Jach and other researchers sought to determine how important humor is in long-term relationships. As humor is often viewed as something that is found attractive when two people meet, there is plenty of evidence that it is key to the beginning of a relationship, but less data exists on long-term relationships.
Jach’s and his colleagues’ findings were somewhat surprising. They felt that just laughing together was most important to long-term relationships, not just being the one to make the jokes. This will be a relief to anyone out there who feels like they have a healthy sense of humor but aren’t exactly the funniest person in a room.
So, relationship success is all about laughing together. If you can laugh at the same dumb things and appreciate each other’s sense of humor, you probably have a really solid relationship.
9. You don’t fear the hard conversations.
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It’s easy, and in some cases even natural, to get scared when the topic of difficult conversations comes up. Larry Letich, LCSW-C, said that is because most of us never actually learned how to deal with emotional conflict. However, you can’t just avoid the conversations that need to take place because they’re hard to have. From Jon’s perspective, being willing to jump head first into those discussions and not shy away from them is a sign of a strong relationship.
Another reason that Letich said these kinds of conversations can be emotionally charged is that they bring up the issue of power in your relationship. Letich continued on to say that most people underestimate the amount of power they have in a relationship, which makes them feel uncomfortable or like their partner is always the one “winning,” but this isn’t the case.
Couples that are aligned well and in exceptional relationships won’t fear the hard conversations because they’ll just be a simple inevitability to them. They aren’t afraid of their partner or what they might say, and they don’t worry about the power dynamics within the relationship. They just have the talk because they need to.
10. You’d choose them again every single day.
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One of the most important aspects of an exceptional relationship is wanting to choose that same person repeatedly. How can a relationship be exceptional if you feel like you wouldn’t want to choose them again every day? Some feel that love isn’t a choice, and we have no control over who we’re with because we have no control over falling in love with them. But that might not be the case.
According to PsychCentral writer Hope Gillette, “Love is a choice and a decision because your actions determine if it lives on or ends. You are in control of how you act in your relationships and how much you push past conflict and challenges.”
Basically, if you want to be with someone, you will work to make that happen. If you aren’t really doing so, then maybe you don’t want to be with your partner as much as you thought. Maybe you’re not choosing them every day. And that small difference is crucial.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
