4 Ways Brilliant People Regain Control When A Relationship Starts Going Sideways
The most effective tools for getting back on track when you're disappointed or ready to give up.
Morsa Images | Canva In an ideal world, all of our relationships would be balanced, and fulfilling, and we would never be disappointed. It feels awful to be disappointed in someone you love! But you will encounter disappointment at some point, and that can make abandoning the relationship — or distancing yourself emotionally — very tempting. But wait!
Just because there are disappointments, doesn't mean you should give up! And that goes for more than just romantic relationships: with friends, family and even in the workplace, these four tips can carry you through rocky times.
Four ways brilliant people regain control when relationships go sideways
For insight, we reached out to four relationship experts: John Gray, Hans Stahlschmidt, Carolyn Mein, and Debra Dupree. They all offered seriously powerful advice to help you process and move past disappointment and fear and into confidence and emotional security.
1. They choose to be appreciative
The opposite of disappointment is appreciation, as explained in The International Journal of Psychoanalysis. So, to get past the disappointment, the first step is to appreciate yourself and others. The easiest way to start is to appreciate what was done, rather than focusing on what didn't happen.
For example, imagine you asked your partner to clean up from dinner and come down to find all the dishes nicely in the sink and the table cleaned. Instead of focusing on how your spouse didn't fully wash the dishes, focus on how they did clean the table and put the food away.
By looking for the positive, you'll notice all the things your partner did to help, many of which were steps toward getting what you wanted. In other words, it's not all bad. By managing your expectations in this way, you will begin to appreciate your partner more and feel happier about the relationship.
2. They (slightly) lower expectations
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Lower them — but don't give them up entirely! One trap people fall into is having the lowest of expectations of someone they love, to avoid feeling any disappointment. But it's just as bad to have ridiculously high and unrealistic expectations, as supported by a study in the Psychological Assessment Journal.
An easy way to balance this is by focusing on "what is", not on "what should be" — or what you wish it could be, someday. If you focus on reality (instead of what the reality could be), you'll find you are less disappointed in life, without expecting bad or irresponsible behavior from someone you love. That doesn't help anybody.
3. They communicate more than ever
Ask yourself honestly: did you communicate exactly what you were expecting? Were you clear? Did they hear you and understand? Did they agree to do or give you what you asked for?
Often, disappointment boils down to a misunderstanding. If you asked your child to clean his room and all he did was straighten up, you feel like he/she took the lazy route and did the bare minimum.
In reality, your child had no way of knowing that when you said clean you meant to dust the furniture and organize the books. If you articulate your expectations well, you'll find it much easier for the people in your life to meet them.
4. They accept that every couple has differences
This is perhaps the most important step. Often, we expect something to be done exactly how we would do it. But the truth is, just because you can do something well doesn't mean the other person can and vice versa.
You might be able to plan the perfect day with your best friend weeks in advance, but your friend might be more of a plan-as-you-go kind of person. Everyone has their strengths. It's important to understand they aren't the same for everyone.
To expect from them what you would do if you were in the same situation is only setting yourself up for disappointment. The truth is we can't be rid of disappointments. They are a normal part of life. But the key to having a happier life and healthy relationships is to manage your expectations, so disappointments don't swallow you whole.
Estee Kahn is a writer and amateur photographer who covers relationships, friendships, and lifestyle.
