6 Things Parents Should Stop Expecting From Their Grown Children, No Matter What
Adult children are allowed to make their own life choices.
onebluelight | Canva Expectations are the quickest route to disappointment and parents don't want to feel disappointed in their children. Once their kids are grown and out on their own, parents can congratulate themselves for a job well done. They successfully parented a real human person who is now free to explore the world to make their own choices and discoveries.
If parents are expecting their grown children to be exactly like them and make the same life choices as them, they may have missed the point of the whole parenting thing.
Here are things parents should stop expecting from their grown children, no matter what:
1. To live the same way as you
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One thing parents should stop expecting from their grown children, no matter what is to live their lives according to the parent's expectations, says relationship coach Sidhharrth S. Kumaar. Allowing your grown children to live their lives on their own terms fosters better relationship dynamics in the world.
2. To share your opinions
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Therapist Gloria Brame explains how parents should not expect their adult children to share their opinions or make the same life choices. Parents who insist their kids should act like their clones instead of independent-minded adults often end up alienating them. No adult wants to be lectured, nagged, or criticized.
Insisting today's generation behaves like former generations isn't just unrealistic, it's impossible because they grew up in a different world with different values. Learning to respect your grown kids' feelings and supporting their choices, even when they clash with yours, will not change them. It will only drive them away from you.
3. To never expect family traditions to change
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Parents should stop expecting family traditions to automatically continue as is, explains deputy editor and mom Andrea Zimmerman. As grown children age and start families of our own, many of us are interested in creating new family traditions, which may or may not interfere with ones we experienced in our childhoods.
Maybe in the past, you'd all go to one person's house for Christmas Eve, but as new families form, they may want to create their holiday traditions with their more immediate families. Parents should expect traditions to evolve as their grown kids age and see it as a natural progression rather than take it as an affront, and if they're included or have ideas for said new traditions, even better.
4. To spend time with you
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"Be available for Christmas Day," is something life coach LouLou Palmer sees as a problem. This can be such a huge bone of contention in a relationship. This led to the annual argument of who's turn is it this year, shortly followed by the upsetting of the parents of whoever turned it was to miss out.
No holiday would be the same without the guilt trip of the parent you've let down. So, by the time the day comes, you can't wait for it all to be over. Guilting your grown kids out about the holidays should be globally banned!
5. To expect gratitude
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Editor and mom Aria Gmitter feels parents should stop expecting gratitude from their children to come in the form of reciprocal love and support.
Of course, we want our children to be there for us and thankful for the effort we made to raise them, but when they aren’t and it disappoints our expectations, it’s not that we have failed as parents. To expect something in return for our investment is a form of entitlement, which creates an inauthentic relationship.
6. To be taken care of when they get older
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Gmitter continues, when you raise a child you’re raising someone whom you expect will make their own decisions. Sometimes parents may feel an adult child should or must do certain things — like take care of them when they get older, whether physically or financially — but it is up to that person as an adult and individual to decide who and what they can invest their time and resources.
Raising children to adulthood is no easy task, and raising them to be capable of making choices and exploring the world in a way safe and beneficial to them is even more of a challenge. Losing the control a parent has can be upsetting since it requires unraveling a lifelong habit of being there for your children.
However, if you have grown children who are not the same as you, are making their own life choices, and experiencing a life of discovery, you did a great job and can finally relax the need for control.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.