If Your Relationship Feels Off, These 20 Revealing Questions May Explain Why

Whether you’re single or have doubts about your current relationship, consider exploring the questions below to develop a holistic view of where you are and what you want.

Knowing what you do not want is as important as knowing what you want. Knowing your boundaries, fears, goals, dreams, beliefs, and nonnegotiable in relationships is crucial to foundational happiness.

These twenty revealing questions were developed during several therapy sessions and have proven to be very developmentally foundational in my growth and journey to finding my true love.

If your relationship feels off, these questions may explain why:

1. What do I want and need in a relationship?

Self-reflection and understanding one's needs and wants in a relationship allow for more transparent communication and more fulfilling partnerships. Knowing what you need, you can better articulate those needs to your partner and ensure they are being met, leading to a stronger, more satisfying relationship.

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2. What do I bring to relationships?

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Understanding your values helps you choose partners who align with your beliefs and goals, strengthening the relationship's foundation. Self-awareness enables you to establish healthy boundaries, protecting your needs and well-being within the relationship.

3. What are my red flags?

Recognizing and reflecting on red flags in relationships is crucial. These warning signs can indicate unhealthy or manipulative behaviors that, if ignored, can lead to toxicity or harm. Identifying and addressing these red flags is crucial for building healthy and fulfilling relationships.

4. What are my green flags?

Green flags in relationships are signs of a healthy and positive connection that fosters strong, fulfilling partnerships. These include open communication, mutual respect, shared values, and emotional support, all of which contribute to a sense of safety and trust.

5. What are my non-negotiables?

Research emphasizes the importance of identifying and communicating relationship non-negotiables to foster healthy relationships, build self-worth, and avoid resentment or toxic dynamics. It's about understanding your needs and boundaries and communicating them effectively.

6. What are my boundaries?

Boundaries are about protecting your needs and values. Self-reflection helps you identify what's truly important to you and what you're willing to compromise on.

7. What are my fears?

Understanding and acknowledging your fears in a relationship is crucial for healthy communication, vulnerability, and a more fulfilling connection. By identifying and addressing these fears, individuals can foster trust and intimacy.

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8. What are the things/events/experiences I want to share?

Reflecting on desired shared experiences in a relationship is crucial for building intimacy, trust, and stronger emotional bonds. This introspection helps individuals understand their needs and preferences, fostering deeper connections and relationship satisfaction.

9. What are my short-term goals?

Also your intermediate, and long-term goals, habits, and plans? Short-term goals help define what you want to achieve in the relationship in the immediate future, providing clarity and focus on specific actions and behaviors. Mindful individuals are better at setting the right goals for themselves.

10. What type of lifestyle do I have? 

What kind do you want? Research emphasizes the importance of self-reflection, including understanding one's needs and values, to building healthy, fulfilling relationships with oneself and others. This involves asking yourself what type of lifestyle you desire and what you value in a relationship.

11. What do you find attractive and unattractive in a partner?

Physical attraction is often the first step in forming a relationship, but it's not the only factor. People are usually attracted to those who share similar values, personality traits, and interests, which creates a sense of comfort and understanding.

12. What does my perfect day look like? 

(This is also a beautiful Law of Attraction manifesting exercise to write out for periods ahead in the future = three months from now, six months from now, a year, etc.) Envisioning and discussing a perfect day with a partner can foster intimacy and closeness, leading to a deeper understanding of each other's needs and desires, ultimately strengthening the relationship. This exercise can help couples identify shared goals and dreams, fostering a sense of unity and purpose within the relationship.

13. What are my core beliefs? Am I open to change when challenged?

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Understanding and discussing core beliefs within a relationship is crucial for building trust, navigating conflicts, and fostering deeper connections. Shared values and beliefs create a foundation for long-term compatibility and satisfaction.

14. What is the importance and desired frequency of dates in relationships?

When partners' desires differ, open communication allows for negotiation and compromise, potentially preventing dissatisfaction. Regular, quality time spent together, as planned through agreed-upon date frequency, can increase intimacy, connection, and overall satisfaction.

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15. Do I prefer to plan dates and be in charge? 

Or is it a shared honor between you and your partner? Some people thrive when leading and planning, while others prefer to relax and be guided. A 2021 study found that couples can create more enjoyable and fulfilling date experiences by understanding individual preferences.

16. What is my definition of love? 

How do you feel about it? How is it communicated to you? Asking yourself what love means helps you identify your relationship needs and expectations rather than relying on societal or romanticized notions. This process fosters self-awareness, allowing you to understand your emotional landscape and how you experience and express love.

17. What are important things and stories to know about each other?

Asking questions encourages self-disclosure, a key component of intimacy. It allows partners to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, building trust and strengthening their emotional bond.

18. How important is time with friends and family? 

Do you see them frequently or only during holidays?

Strong social connections are linked to greater life satisfaction, a stronger sense of purpose, and a lower risk of depression. Engaging in shared activities, celebrating milestones, and creating lasting memories contribute to overall fulfillment and life satisfaction.

19. What are your priorities in life and relationships?

Being aware of your priorities allows you to communicate your needs and expectations, which can lead to better understanding and stronger relationships. Knowing what's important to you makes you better able to navigate disagreements and compromise effectively.

20. What is intimacy, and how important is physical intimacy to me?

 What is the desired frequency of it? Research highlights the importance of self-reflection on the significance of physical intimacy. Understanding one's needs and preferences is crucial for healthy relationships and overall well-being. When couples engage in physical affection, it can strengthen their bond and create a sense of closeness and intimacy.

As with everything, I prefer to handwrite questions and answers in a journal. It’s a living, breathing document and flows with time as life changes me, and I change my life.

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Beth Derrick is an entrepreneur, writer, investor, maker, Lifestyle Coach, and frequent contributor to the Good Men Project.