These 3 Sneaky Habits Slowly Unraveled My Relationship More Than Cheating Ever Could
It wasn’t betrayal that broke us — it was the quiet, everyday things I didn’t realize I was doing.
Toa Heftiba Chn | Unsplash Pretty much everyone who is in a committed relationship agrees that if they found out their partner had been cheating, even once, with someone else it would be a challenge to move past it and stay together. That’s the big one-event shake-up that most people assume is the beginning of the end if not the mile marker for the end itself.
While both of us would be nonplussed if the other had an affair or one-night-stand, there are three sneaky habits that we’ve even fallen prey to that slowly eroded our relationship far more than cheating ever could.
Here are the sneaky habits that slowly unraveled my relationship more than cheating ever could:
1. Withholding attention
You’ve heard about “ghosting” right? Pretty extreme and most people wouldn’t dream of doing it to the love of their life, and most of us would notice pretty quickly if we were being ghosted.
But there are so many ways of withholding attention that isn’t even intentional. Preoccupation – you know, like with your phone, or the television (we don’t have one of those, but the internet is a close runner-up.) Or maybe just preoccupied with your thoughts – we’re both prone to getting lost in our heads, in the clouds, or in time. Or shutting down – crawling into the shell of self to process, to stew, to ponder, or just to hang out and relax.
Even if it’s not intended to hurt, when you withhold your attention from your partner, your lover, or that person who is in your life because they get off on being with you, you’re committing a “micro-aggression” toward that thing that keeps you together.
And if you are withholding attention as a way to prove a point, or strike back, stop that right now. Everyone needs to withdraw and unplug but don’t retreat in order to get even. Hurting someone emotionally always leaves a mark.
Research suggests that withholding attention or emotional unavailability can damage relationships by triggering feelings of insecurity and invalidation and ultimately leading to a breakdown of trust and intimacy. When partners feel they cannot rely on their partner for emotional support and validation, they may start to distance themselves emotionally, leading to a decline in intimacy and ultimately, the relationship itself.
2. Withholding trust
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Everyone brings past relationships into the current dynamic. Whether those relationships were with spouses, lovers, friends, siblings, parents, authority figures, or the Grinch next door, they create patterns of trust and lack of it.
None of those patterns are about your partner, but they certainly affect your partner. We’ve navigated land mines and dungeons of trigger wires and green-eyed monsters until we can guess when something is a “this is about me not you” kind of thing, but when either of us senses a lack of trust it can still range all the way from a minor road bump to a steep hill.
But if you’re withholding your trust for a reason, justified or not, a shifting of boundaries or treating a partner with suspicion is always going to result in tension. Deciding to withhold trust is one of the deepest betrayals you can inflict on a partner. It puts up a wall and reflects their worst traits at them. No relationship, however loving, can survive that for very long.
When individuals lack trust in their partners, they may start monitoring their partner's behavior and questioning their actions and motives. A 2023 study concluded that these negative behaviors and emotional states can create a toxic environment, damaging the relationship and making it harder to rebuild trust.
3. Withholding affection
Intimacy isn’t going through the motions. And it isn’t (always) a romantic performance or expectation. Intimacy is meeting on the same, shared plane of experience. On purpose.
Physical intimacy is important to a romantic partnership. Actually, for us anyway, it’s vital. It’s not just about being physically intimate, that’s only one of many ways we physically demonstrate our love for each other.
But there is nothing wrong with saying that physical intimacy is a cornerstone of our love. But emotional intimacy is even more important. Without that, the physical intimacy is just “off.” We’re not really in it together if there is an emotional barrier between us.
Naturally, there are times when one or both of us will just need to be left alone. For one thing, we’re both introverts (highly social, but introverts.) For another thing, we’re human. So it’s going to happen.
But if either of us ever withheld affection — of any kind — not from our own need for personal time and space, but as a tactic or punishment, or if we ever displaced that intimacy usually reserved for each other onto another person, it’s likely that we would cause wounds that would take a long time to heal — if they ever did. We both have intimate friends, but those friends never come first for either of us. First is always reserved just for each other.
Withholding intimacy, whether emotional or physical, can significantly erode the emotional connection between partners. A 2020 study concluded that the partner being denied intimacy may internalize this as a reflection of their inadequacy, leading to lowered self-esteem and confidence and potentially fostering resentment.
None of these patterns are the instant end game that a fling might be, but they are all slow, steady drips of betrayal that eventually erode even the strongest relationship.
Bethany Allendale and Stu McLauren are writers who focus on their love, relationships, art, and philosophy.
