11 Signs Someone Doesn't Care About You, But Is Trying To Hide It
Someone may tell you they care about you, but if their actions say something different, it's time to give that some thought.
simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock When relationships are based on genuine affection and care, they’re uplifting and nourishing. Spending time with people who love you, without conditions or requirements, makes you feel emotionally secure. It’s unrealistic to expect to be liked by everyone, all the time, but feeling valued by the people you care about most is an essential part of an authentic relationship
It’s often easy to ignore the signs someone doesn’t care about you but is trying to hide out. You might make excuses for them, telling yourself they’re busy, convincing yourself that deep down, they care about how you feel. The truth of the situation might be painful to fully accept, but once you notice the signs someone doesn’t really care about you, the sooner you can acknowledge your own worth and move on.
Here are 11 signs someone doesn't care about you, but is trying to hide it
1. They don’t reach out first
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When someone truly cares about you, they stay in touch instead of waiting for you to text or call first. All relationships function with some level of give and take, but there’s still a sense of balance. Sometimes, you’re the one who initiates plans and other times, they are. If you notice you’re always the one to reach out first, it could be a sign they don’t care about the relationship as much as you do.
Of course, a lack of communication doesn't always signal someone doesn’t care about you, as psychologist Guy Winch pointed out. Feeling lonely can trap people in a vicious cycle in which social anxiety keeps them from reaching out first.
Loneliness “convinces us that the people who we have, who are dear to us, who care about us, don’t care as much,” he explained. “And then it makes us reluctant to reach out and that reinforces the loneliness and it’s a very difficult spiral.”
It takes effort to maintain a relationship, whether it’s platonic or romantic. It might be painful, but asking someone what they hope to give and receive from your relationship can clear up how much they care.
“You need to be emotionally open, disclose, talk about your feelings… talk about what’s difficult,” Winch explained. “You have to show emotional vulnerability, and the other person [does] as well.”
2. They forget important details
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When someone forgets important details about your life, it shows they don’t really care about you. They make up excuses about why they forgot to send you a text on your birthday or brush off the fact that they don’t remember stories you’ve told them, but deep down, their lack of effort signals a lack of genuine interest.
Your boyfriend might remember that you love getting flowers, but he keeps bringing you lilies — not remembering that you’re allergic to them. He remembers your anniversary, but he forgets other meaningful dates.
If people’s actions don’t align with their words, it shines a light on how ambivalent they really feel.
3. They don’t ask you genuine questions
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Keeping conversations shallow often means someone is trying to hide that they don’t really care about you. They might ask how you’re doing, but they stop asking questions after you tell them you’ve been having a hard time. The questions they ask are innocuous, barely skimming the surface of who you are and what you care about. They don’t wonder about your dreams or your fears, which stops your relationship from getting any deeper.
As group therapy practice Integrative Psych pointed out, all relationships need to be nourished in order to grow. Asking questions can keep people from drifting apart, while cultivating a sense of emotional safety. Thoughtful questions lay the groundwork to create “an environment where both parties feel valued and safe to express themselves.”
Someone who avoids asking questions is trying to hide how little they care about getting to know your inner world.
4. They're inconsistent
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Reliability is a key part of showing other people they’re important, and when someone doesn’t care about you, they act like your time isn’t valuable. They cancel plans with minimal warning or show up late to meet you often enough that it makes you wonder whether they actually want to spend time with you.
They’re not only unreliable when it comes to hanging out, they’re emotionally inconsistent, too. They may open up and share how they feel and they’re present when you need them, but not on a regular basis. They always seem to run hot or cold. Sometimes, you’re their closest confidante, and other times, they shut down completely.
When someone is trying to hide their true feelings, they’re usually unable or unwilling to show up for you in a consistent way.
5. They dismiss your feelings
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It’s not always easy to share how you feel, even with the people you love most. All too often, people keep their big emotions inside, because they’re scared that opening up will lead to rejection. This fear gets exacerbated when someone responds in a dismissive or flippant way.
Emotional invalidation isn’t always intentional, but its impact is painful, despite the intent. When someone is trying to hide that they don’t care about you, their reactions usually leave you feeling misunderstood and undervalued. Being emotionally invalidated makes you question whether you’re wrong for feeling the way you do, which is why it’s important to remember that your emotions are always valid, even if someone else minimizes your experience.
Long-term emotional invalidation can erode your sense of self-esteem and make you feel isolated. Learning to validate your own emotions can help you heal. Be compassionate with yourself and give yourself the understanding you’ve been denied by people who don’t truly care about you.
6. They’re not willing to compromise
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Knowing how to compromise effectively is a crucial skill in every relationship. No matter how close your connection is, you won’t always see eye-to-eye, which is why it’s so important to stay flexible and openminded. Yet, if you struggle to find common ground or you’re always bending to what the other person wants, they might not care about you as much as you think.
According to Harley Therapy and Counseling Practice, a good compromise is “an energized advancement.” It keeps people feeling connected, like they’re working together, as part of a team. In contrast, a bad compromise occurs when only one person gives, and the other takes. Making sacrifices is part of every relationship, but those sacrifices shouldn’t only go one way.
Reaching a healthy compromise requires people to listen to their own needs and communicate them clearly. No compromise is perfect, but the process of getting there should make you feel valued and heard.
7. They don’t show up in tough times
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When someone cares about you, they show up when you need them, even when you’re in distress. A fair-weather friend might be there in good times, but they disappear if you’re having a tough time. They try to hide it, but ultimately, they’re not emotionally available. They might brush you off when you’re going through a break up. They might text you less if you’ve suffered a loss. When you express your vulnerability and tell them you need extra support, they seem to disappear.
The strength of a relationship depends on how each person stays present for each other. If someone keeps tapping out when you need them most, it reveals their lack of consistent care.
8. They don’t keep promises
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Words hold weight, but their meaning gets lost when people don’t take action. When someone is trying to hide that they don’t care about you, they make promises they don’t actually intend to keep. Your friend might say they’ll pick you up from the airport or help you move, but something always comes up at the last minute that keeps them from helping out.
When someone truly cares about you, they don’t just give lip-service to being a supportive friend, they actually follow through on it. They commit to being there for you because they care, and not just because that’s what they’re supposed to do. No one can show up perfectly all the time, but when someone wants to be in your life, they aim to be as consistent as they can be, and focus on repairing their mistakes when they let you down.
9. They downplay your success
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Someone who cares about you celebrates your achievements in a whole-hearted way. They don’t compare themselves to you or resent you for being successful. They’re genuinely happy that you’re happy, and they support you without undermining what you’ve accomplished.
In contrast, someone who makes subtle digs and only pretends to compliment you is trying to hide that they don’t really care about you. They hope you won’t notice that they’re low-key insulting you, but you can’t shake the uneasy feeling you get when you’re around them.
Talking to them makes you feel bad about yourself, even if you can’t put your finger on the reason why. Even when they try to mask it, their quiet contempt rises to the surface, revealing how little they care.
10. They’re always distracted
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People’s underlying emotions eventually make themselves known, even when they try to hide them. If someone wants to talk to you, they stay engaged in conversation. People who care about you stay present. They focus on you and actively listen to your thoughts and opinions. If they can’t be bothered to pay attention to you, it’s a sign that they don’t care about you, even if they’re trying to hide it.
If they’re too distracted to give you their full attention, they don’t value you as an individual. They might pretend that they care, but they spend half your conversations looking at their phone or giving you one-word answers.
Pay attention to that nagging feeling you keep pushing away, the one that makes you wonder whether they’re even worth your time and effort. If they can’t be attentive to you, they don’t deserve your friendship.
11. They avoid deep conversations
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Being vulnerable requires a steady baseline of mutual trust and respect, which isn’t possible to give if someone doesn’t really care about you. If you feel like you give someone insight into who you are but they don’t reciprocate, your lopsided relationship is a sign they don’t care.
True connection takes two people. When someone builds up walls to keep you from knowing them on a deeper level, they’re hiding from you.
As Take Root Therapy practice revealed, “Maintaining healthy friendships includes a give and take, which means sharing more openly and offering support when a friend shares with you.”
“Allowing yourself to be vulnerable requires a great deal of strength and can work to build resilience and self-esteem,” they shared. It’s a way to radically accept who you are and share your authentic presence with other people.
True vulnerability is a gift, not just to others, but to yourself, as well. If someone isn’t ready to meet you there, they don’t care about you in a way that fully nurtures you.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.